"He brought me breakfast in bed one morning."
"What else?"
"He like walks me to class and stuff. He looks adorable when he's waiting for my outside my dorm. He licked hot fudge off my face, invited me to the Hamptons, gave me a piggyback ride, gets me coffee, asked me out, told me he loves me, bought me a key necklace, said it was the key to his heart. Of course then two days later, he tried to give the key to someone else, but then he told me I changed the lock because her key didn't work anymore, and he loves me. And tonight he took me to a really cool dinner and told me he is going to woo me, that he's going to fight for me."
"I think you already know who you like, you are just afraid to like him."
"I'm not sure about anything anymore."
"Give it some time, baby. Sometimes you just can't fight fate." (A lot of this scene was cut or split up and used in different ways in the series.) WHAT is it with that saying?
You just can't fight fate.
I wanna scream BULLSHIT, YES I CAN! It makes me want to fight fate. To kick fate's ass. I want to say screw some predetermined path. I'm blazing my own trail. I just wish to hell I knew where I wanted the trail to go.
I get on the internet.
Type in "How to fight fate."
Don't laugh, I'm sure I'm not the only person that has attempted this feat. Maybe the only one that has attempted to ward off a god in the process, but still.
Most of what I pull up is lyrics and videos for some song from like the early 2000's about fighting fate. I click you tube, don't like the words, because they are not telling me what I want to hear. The singer is accepting the fact that you can't fight fate. Isn't there someone bold out there in the world somewhere? Someone who is brave enough to share their fight on the internet?
Apparently not.
There is some quote in a movie about fighting fate. Not helpful.
A long abandoned Facebook page.
Maybe I need to revise my search.
I type "How I can fight fate?"
"What happens when you fight fate?"
Still no luck.
So if Aiden thinks I'm his fate, why is Dawson so compelling?
I look up problem solving on the internet, maybe I need to look at this dilemma with a more critical, logical type approach. I learn that I should try to figure out the root of my problem. Like if I was having trouble with a relationship, is it because I've been drinking? Because I was beaten or abused as a child? Things like that. It says you have to deal with your roots, before you can grow the plant.
Go back to my root problem.
Shit.
What did I tell Mom? I would have wanted some answers. I would have asked him how he could do that to me when he said he loved me.
We know who the root is.
Brooklyn.
It's 2:30am here, so only 11:30 on the other coast. If that's even where he is. Should I?
Yes.
I dial the number. He answers on the second ring.
"Keats! Hey, how are you?"
He sounds like we are old friends. Friends who haven't seen each other for years.
"Uh, not so good. How bout you? You find your balance yet?"
"No. I haven't. I've been wanting to call you."
"But you haven't."
"I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"I get now why you called me and wanted me to forgive you so you could get your inner chi back."
"You do?"
"Yeah, you figured out it was the root of the problem. I just figured out it might be the root of my problem here as well."
"What's your problem there?"
"I met a guy."
"I'm not sure I want to hear about this."
"I'm not sure I wanted to watch you make out with a girl and then stand outside a cabana while you screwed her either."
"Good point. Keep going."
I sigh. "You hurt me. You told me you loved me, took my virginity, and turned me into a slut who thinks love is a lie."
"You've been sleeping with a lot of guys?"
"No, only one. He was my boyfriend."
"You're not a slut, Keats. And was your boyfriend?"
"Yeah, my um, experience with you was good. I like sex. You upset me, I went straight to him, slept with him before we were in a relationship, knowing he was still hung up on his ex. We got closer, started dating, he was going to come meet my parents, and then she texted him. It was a total of about eight texts. And he ditched me, thought he would get back with her. This was after he told me he loved me about a million times and kept telling me he was over her. So my question is this. What is it about me that makes guys tell me they love me, but when their ex texts them or some faked boobed girl wants to do them in a cabana, they forget all about me? What am I doing wrong?"
"You're not doing anything wrong, Keats. You're just with the wrong guy."
"I thought you were my dream guy, Brooklyn. You told me we were going to be together for a long time."
"Did you believe me?"
"What?"
"In your heart. Did you believe me? Did you feel it too? Because from my perspective, you left me first. And I think if I was really the one, you wouldn't have ditched me for boarding school."
"You encouraged me."
"Yeah, cuz I love you. I knew it was what you wanted, even though I didn't."
"Why didn't you tell me? If you would have told me you didn't want me to go, I wouldn't have."
"Because you wanted to. You were excited. It was your path, I couldn't let myself get in the way of that. Maybe there is a guy there that you were supposed to meet. Maybe it's your destiny to be there. I couldn't mess with that. Have you found him? Are you afraid to fall for him?"
"Yes. Very."
"Don't be, Keats. Do you forgive me? Do you even understand why I have been behaving the way I have? I got hurt too."
"Yeah, I'm sorry. You know I look at you everyday. The big picture on my wall."
"I love that. I miss you. I'm glad we're okay now."
"Me too, Brooklyn. Bye."
Friday, September 30th True love leaves a mark.
7:20 am I wake up to an email from Grandpa. It's one line.
So did you find yourself yet? Cause we haven't heard from you.
I reply.
I'm working on it. Grandpa, what's the difference between love and true love?
He replies back immediately. I can picture him sitting at his desk, overlooking his rose bushes in the back yard.
True love leaves a mark. Sometimes with a frying pan. LOL When did Grandpa learn what LOL is?
Grandpa, this is serious. Ask Grandma if you don't know. And HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW?? You have been married to the same woman for 39 years!!!
True love is a crap shoot, sometimes you get lucky and hit the jackpot, sometimes you're left wallowing drunk and broke.
You are not much help. (Grandpa steals the show in every scene he's in.) We get to wear Parisian looking clothes today, instead of our uniforms, so I put on the casual look Kym sent me. A pair of dark skinny jeans, black and white striped long sleeved T-shirt, red bolero jacket with thick black braided trim, black scarf, big black bag, black patent platform pumps, thick silver men's watch, black Raybans. If I had a cup of coffee, a cigarette and a beret, I'd be set. Actually, she sent a black beret to go with it. I decided not to wear it. I'm sure everyone will have on berets.
But as I'm walking to class, I'm thinking about Grandpa's email and wondering if true love does leave a mark. Like the way Aiden's kiss seared my skin last night. Is that what it was? The mark of true love. Some sort of invisible hickey?
Speaking of hickeys.
Riley's neck is covered in them.
"What? You get in a fight with a vacuum cleaner last night and lose?" I ask him.
He flips his collar up against his neck.
"You know what they say, True love leaves a mark."
"Somehow I don't think that's what the great philosophers had in mind."
He grins naughtily at me. "You should see my chest. She wrote her name in hickeys."
I laugh.
"Have you slept with her yet?"
"Naw, I like her. Besides we're having too much fun doing other stuff right now. I actually like this girl."
And his words burned my in my brain for the rest of class. We're having too much fun doing other stuff. That's what I missed with Dawson. I've never sucked on his neck long enough to give him even one hickey. Let alone write my name on his chest. I did take things way too fast with him. And I think because I did, we can't really start over. I can't take it back.
I feel like I should make a public service announcement over the loud speaker in the school.
Note to all you daters out there. In spirit of this weekend's theme, lets all embrace true romance.
Enjoy making out for hours.
Enjoy the way his lips feel on yours.
Enjoy embarrassing him with hickeys.
Enjoy him holding your hand when he shifts gears.
Enjoy the way he says your name late at night.
Enjoy the way you feel when he shows up outside your classroom to carry your back pack.