"Um, I'm not sure. I want to say no, but I'm having kind of a hard time with that."
"So that's why I'm not winning right now? If we had sex, would I win?"
I let out a little laugh, "I don't know, you think it would be any good?"
He runs his finger gently down my neck. "What do you think?"
I swallow hard. "God, don't do that to me. I screwed up with Dawson. I slept with him too soon, but it's good. Really good. Frustratingly good."
He starts to get off me. I grab his hands. "I really don't want to hear this," he tells me.
"You need to hear it. I think I have been convinced that because the sex is good, that our relationship is good. I mean he's trying. We had a nice, romantic dinner tonight. I thought I could handle going fast with the sex part of the relationship and slow with the feelings part of the relationship, but I can't. It's all messed up. I'm just saying, I'm not having sex with anyone again, well anyone new, until I know they are worth it. You're going to have to wait for a while. Probably a long while."
"Boots?"
He leans down closer to my face.
"Yeah?"
"I'd wait for you forever. You don't get it do you?"
"Get what?"
"When I said I wanna ask you to marry me, I wasn't joking. Were going to be together for a long time. There's no need to rush things when you know that." (Awwwwwwww!!!) "Do you know how weird it is for a guy to say that? Guys hate commitment."
"I told you, I saw you, I knew. Did you not feel it? Was it just me?"
"No, I felt it too. I just thought you were a player and fought it."
"Don't fight me anymore, okay?"
His lips quickly close the gap between his and mine. I don't get to reply.
All of a sudden there is a huge clap of thunder and a bolt of lightening hits something not too far from us. Rain starts coming down in buckets.
He pulls me up off the ground. We laugh at how soaked we both instantly are.
And in the pouring rain, I get The. Best. Kiss. Of. My. Entire. Life.
And I'm pretty sure with this kiss, he like branded me. Seared his intials into my skin. Like bite marks from a vampire. I'm his. And I don't think I could ever kiss anyone else.
That's why everyone wants to do it.
1:30am "Mom, I don't know what to do. When I'm with Aiden, I want him to be my boyfriend, when I'm with Dawson, I want him."
"You can't keep flip flopping like this, it's not healthy. Are you doing more than just kissing this Dawson?"
And I don't normally lie to my mom, but I think I have to here.
"Uh.."
"So I will take that as a yes."
Shit.
"I was planning on not with him. I was going to wait til I figured things out. But it's very hard not to with him. Pretend like none of this happened. Feel good, be happy. You know you prepared me for sex, told me about protection and all that, but you didn't teach me how to protect my heart."
"I'm pretty sure I recall telling you that sex is an emotional commitment, one that shouldn't be taken lightly, that you should be sure when you do that with someone because once you do, you can't take it back."
"So where does sex just for fun come in? Come on, Mom, I know you have had to just hook up with SOMEONE."
"Well yes, maybe I have, but wow, this is sorta hard to talk about."
"Tell me about it. You want me to talk about it, but then you don't want to tell me stuff. I also would like Tommy's opinion on this. I'm really really confused about it. Like I'm thinking it's not that big of a commitment emotionally for boys. They like it, they feel in love, they say they love you, but then when their ex calls them or when some orange fake boobed girl wants to do you in a cabana, they forget all that."
"Kiki, we talked about this. What would you have done if it was Brooklyn, saying stuff like that to you?"
"I would do what I did, tell him to go away."
"Yes, but you were sitting by your boyfriend at the time. What would you have said if it would have been just you?"
"I would have wanted some answers. I would have asked him how he could do that to me, when he said he loved me."
"Maybe you should ask him now."
"Maybe I don't care."
"I think you do."
"So back to the how do you hook up without emotion. I think that's what I am going to start doing from now on."
"Keatyn Elizabeth. You better not. I would be very disappointed in you. More importantly, I think you would be very disappointed in yourself."
"The god of all hotties said he'd wait. He says that when you know you are going to be with someone forever, waiting a while is not that big of a deal."
"He sounds like a nice boy."
"He sounds like he's telling me what I want to hear right now. Let me talk to Tommy."
Mom huffs, then says, "Fine. here."
I hear Tommy's voice say, "Hey baby, whats up?"
"Mom says you were a player when you met her. How did you have random sex with people you didn't care about."
"Because it felt good basically."
OMG. Thank god. I'm normal. Because that's why I am still doing that with Dawson. It feels good.
I hear mom in the background go, "TOMMY!"
"Well, it does feel good, and that's why guys want to do it. That's why everyone wants to do it. It feels good."
"Yeah, it does."
"But you are young, and you shouldn't be hooking up with someone you don't care about."
"Why not? I think I'm gonna be a player. A slut. Have some fun."
"Kiki. Do you really think that's the answer? Tell me this. If you hadn't slept with Gorgeous would what he did hurt as bad?"
"Uh, I'm not sure. Let me think. Um, no. It hurt because he told me he loved me. Which if you ask me is a pro slut argument. And good reason not to give a shit and just have fun."
"Something tells me you are not really that kind of girl. What do you think?"
"I think I'm never falling in love again, no wait. If a boy tells me he loves me, I'm never going to believe him again. Also I'm seriously considering becoming that kind of girl."
"I think you will change your mind about that in the future, but I agree. I think you should take things slow."
"You and mom didn't take things slow. It worked out. It's no wonder I'm messed up."
"We were adults, and we just knew, baby."
"I just knew too."
"Then why when you were dating and sleeping with Gorgeous, were you worrying about the hottie?"
"Tommy, you are too deep, dude."
"Think about it and when you figure it out, we'll talk some more."
"I already know the answer."
"Really?"
"Yes. I am love with both of them."
"You told me when you met the hottie you instantly fell in love with him. That correct?"
"Yes."
"But you're fighting it?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because the boys I fall in love with hurt me. I'm two for two. Those are bad odds. Even Shark wouldn't take bets on that."
"Who is Shark?"
"Oh, a boy I met in detention. He's my bookie."
"YOU HAVE A BOOKIE? And why were you in detention? You've never gotten a detention in your life!"
"Uh, I didn't mean he's my bookie, he's like a bookie. If I wanted to do a bet, which I don't, he'd like be the guy to see. As for detention, the hottie god delayed me once, well, uh, twice. I was a smidge late for curfew. Then I was in a bad mood and maybe I cussed in french."
"Why?"
"The hottie god was trying to tell me my lips are his bliss, but I didn't know the french word for bliss, so I asked the teacher, and she didn't know, and he wouldn't tell me, and so I looked it up on my phone. I was using my phone for school purposes, and she took it and put it into phone jail. And I said merde. And then I maybe said seal."
"Your lips are his bliss?"
"Yeah, and he put little Hershey's Bliss candies on my bed."
"He's putting on the full court press."
"Oh, that's not even all of it."
I tell him about all the wooing. The lunch, the clover, the points, the lights, the dances, the glass clover, the tutoring, the Eiffel tower, the car door, the french dinner, even the feather, and our mating finger clover tonight, kissing in the downpour.
Tommy chuckles.
"What?
"The hottie likes you. A lot, baby. Has Gorgeous done anything like that? Cuz it sounds like it's all just sex."
"I mean there is that, but he's also super sweet."
"Name one thing he has done that is super sweet."
I was going to say he was rubbing under my sweatshirt during that one game, but maybe that falls into more of the sex category.