_Sailor Dan:_ "Yes--you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything."
_Tramp:_ "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"
"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie."
"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way."
A popular Oklahoma City salesman recently married, and was accompanied by his wife as he entered the dining-room of a Texas hotel famed for its excellent cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried chicken he had been telling his wife so much about was not in evidence.
"Where is my chicken?" he asked somewhat irritably.
The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his mouth in close proximity to the salesman's ear, replied:
"Ef youse mean de li'l gal with blue eyes an' fluffy hair, she doan'
wo'k heah no mo'."
"Do you really believe in heredity?"
"Most certainly I do. That is how I came into all my money."
An attorney of Los Angeles advertised for a chauffeur. Some twenty-odd responded and were being questioned as to qualifications, efficiency, and whether married or single. Finally, turning to a negro chap, he said:
"How about you, George, are you married?"
Quickly the negro responded: "Naw-sir, boss, naw-sir. Ah makes mah own livin'."
A boy and his mother were taking in the circus. Looking at the hippopotamus, he said: "Ma, ain't that the ugliest damn thing you ever saw?"
"Bill," said his ma, "didn't I tell you never to say 'ain't.'"
"Vell, Ikey, my poy," said Sol to his son, "I've made my vill and left it all to you."
"That's very good of you, father," remarked Ike, eyeing him suspiciously. "But, bless you, it cost a lot of money for the lawyer and fees and things!"
"Vell?" said Ike more suspiciously. "Vell, it ain't fair I should pay all dot, is it? So I'll shust take it off from your next month's salary."
_Mr. McNab_ (_after having his lease read over to him_): "I will not sign that; I have na' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a mansion in Heaven, an' I'm no' gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms in the High Street."
"Come, Dorothy," said her father impatiently, "throw your doll on the bed and hurry or we shall be late."
"Daddy, how can you?" reproved the child. "I isn't' that kind of a muvver."
"You say you doted on your last mistress?"
"Yes, mum. I certainly did."
"Then why did you leave her?"
"We couldn't continue to be friends on my wages, mum."
"What's the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or spinal curvature or something?"
"No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his wife made for him."
"James, have you whispered to-day without permission?"
"Only wunst."
"Leroy, should James have said wunst?"
"No'm; he should have said twict."
"It appears to be your record, Mary," said the magistrate, "that you have already been convicted thirty-five times of stealing."
"I guess that's right, your honor," answered Mary. "No woman is perfect."
"That you, dearie? I'm detained at the office on very important business and I may not be home until late. Don't sit up for me."
"I won't, dearie. You'll come home as early as you can, won't you? And John, dear----"
"Yes; what is it?"