"Would you marry a man to reform him?"
"What does he do?"
"He drinks."
"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in our set."
"I would like to have a globe of the earth."
"What size, madam?"
"Life-size, of course."
_Wife:_ "George, is that you?"
_George:_ "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"
_She_ (_tenderly_): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"
_He:_ "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."
_Jazz:_ "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."
_Beau:_ "Stripped?"
_Jazz:_ "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."
_Mrs. Newlywed_ (_on her first day's shopping_): "I want two pieces of steak and--and about half a pint of gravy."
_Farmer:_ "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"
_Tourist:_ "Well--er--is it ambitious and willing to work?"
_Papa:_ "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last night?"
_Daughter:_ "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."
"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."
"Then why didn't you marry him?"
"I met him again so often."
_Interviewer:_ "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"
_Stage Manager:_ "Those who have the most to show, of course."
_She:_ "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"
_He:_ "Er--er--nothing."
_She:_ "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me unless he means business, d'ye hear?"
_Foreman:_ "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to your one?"
_Laborer:_ "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."
_Lady_ (_in box_): "Can you look over my shoulders?"
_Sailor:_ "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they are great."
"How times have changed!"
"Yes?"
"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors."
_Sailor Bill:_ "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' light canvas."