"Please don't draw to any inside straights."
_The City Nephew:_ "I'm glad to see Aunt Hetty dresses her hair sensibly instead of wearing those silly puffs over the ears."
_Uncle Talltimber:_ "She tried 'em once an' they got tangled up with the telephone receiver an' she missed more'n half the gossip goin' on over our twenty-party line."
"Ethel," said the bishop, "you seem to be a bright little girl; can you repeat a verse from the Bible?"
"I'll say I can."
"Well, my dear, let us have it."
"The Lord is my shepherd--I should worry."
Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London, and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During the early part of the dinner the steward was noticed to help himself very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he was heard to remark, "Well, I hope they'll not be very long wi' the whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi' these mineral waters."
An astronomer was entertaining a Scotch friend. He showed his visitor the moon through a telescope and asked him what he thought of the satellite.
"It's a' richt," replied the Scot, who was an enthusiastic golfer, "but it's awfu' fu' o' bunkers."
"What are you doing, Marjory?"
"I'se writing a letter to Lily Smif."
"But, darling, you don't know how to write."
"That's no diff'ence, mamma; Lily don't know how to read."
"What sort of an appearing man is he?"
"Little dried-up feller," replied the gaunt Missourian, "that looks like he always ett at the second table."
"Did you hear about the awful trouble that has befallen Mrs. Talkalot?"
"Don't tell me she has lost her voice."
"No, her husband has lost his hearing."
Two darky boys in a Southern city met on the street, each wearing a new suit. One asked:
"Nigger, how much do they set you back for dem clo's?"
"Fo'ty dollahs," was the response.
"Fo'ty dollahs?"
"Yes, sah; fo'ty dollahs."
"Look at me," said the first. "I'se got on a suit w'at's mos' perzactly like yourn, and I don't pay but ten dollahs fuh mine. Somebody shore flimflammed you."
The possessor of the forty-dollar suit took hold of one of the coat sleeves of the ten-dollar suit and pulled on it. It stretched. Then straightening up he said:
"See here, boy, the fust big rain yo' gets ketched out in dat coat of yourn is gwine to say, 'Good-by, nigger, f'om now on I'se gwine to be yo' vest.'"
"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?"
"How old are you now?"
"Forty."
"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"
"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven't any vices."
"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"
"I say, Madge, it's bitterly cold. Hadn't you better put something on your chest?"
"Don't worry, old thing. I've powdered it three times."
_Father:_ "Well, son, you certainly made a fool of yourself! That girl robbed you of every cent you had."
_Son:_ "Well, dad, you have to hand it to me for picking them clever."