The gold fish.
A guy looks over his fence to see the neighbour's boy, little Willy, filling in a hole in the garden.
"Hi Willy. What are you doing?" asks the guy.
"Burying my dead goldfish," sobbed Willy.
"So why do you need such a big hole?" asks the guy.
"Because," Willy answers, "he's in your fucking cat!"
Plastic surgery.
A bloke with no arms and a very large nose says to his mate, "I'm thinking of having plastic surgery 'cause it the only way I'll ever be able to pick my own nose."
The Dirty Doc.
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.
"Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks.
"Yes," she replies. "You're checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. Filled with lust he then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.
"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke he starts having sex with her.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is what I came see you about."
The speaking clock.
A drunken guy is proudly showing off his new flat to a couple of his friends late one night. When they walk into his bedroom where there is a massive brass gong.
"What's the gong for?" a pal asks.
"It's not a gong. It's a speaking clock," the drunk replies.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asks his astonished pal.
"Yup," replies the drunk. "How's it work?" a second guest asks.
"Watch," the drunk replies. He picks up a hammer and gives it an ear shattering bang.
After a moment of silence a voice screams, "You fucking asshole...it's ten past three in the morning!"
He said ... She said.
He said, "Baby I'm going to make love to you for an hour and five minutes."
She said, "Right. So our date is on the night when the clocks go forward and hour then."
He said, "I always thought you were faking your orgasms."
She said, "But at least I wasn't faking the whole relationship."
He said, "You know sex is like playing a game of bridge."
She said, "Yea if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Newsflash: Saddam Hussein has been caught working with a pal as a Shepard in Wales.
His pal when questioned about where the sheep came from said, "They are Islam's."
Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room?
A: 100 people who don't do dick.
Q: What is the centre of gravity?
A: The letter V!
Two dogs.
A girl is visiting a blonde friend that's just bought two new dogs.
"What are their names?" asks the girl.
"Rolex and Timex," says the blonde.
"They're a couple of unusual names. Why did you call them that?"
"Because," says the blonde, "They're watch dogs!"
Doctors are reporting a new medical crisis. Many men are having a severe allergic reaction to the latex in condoms. The symptoms include rapid swelling.
One patient's wife who was asked about the condition said, "So what's the problem?"
Girl Talk.
She said, "He knows absolutely nothing about sex!"
Her pal, "Well he was married for 10 years."
She said, "The problem with men is that they've got a brain and a penis."
Her pal, "Yea, and they've only got enough blood to run one at once!"
She said, "Do you know that woman can speak eight languages."
Her pal, "Yea and can't say 'no' in any of them."
She said, "She not a bad girl you know."
Her pal, "Rubbish, she's been on more laps than a worn out napkin."
She said, "I've heard she's a good girl."
Her pal, "Well if your idea of fidelity is only having a three-some with the same two guys, that's true."
Q: What did the slug say to the snail?
A: Big Issue!
Q: What did the number zero say to the number eight?
A: Nice belt.
Scots.
A Scottish man and woman sat down in their living room when the Scotsman says, "I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so get your coat on!"
"Why?" the woman asks, "Are you taking me with you?"
"No way," the Scotsman replies, "I'm turning the heating off."