20. SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self.
Two Trees.
Two big trees are in the woods and they notice a young tree begins to grow between them. "Is that a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?" asks one of the big trees.
"I don't know," says the other big tree.
A while later a Woodpecker lands on the young tree and one of the big trees asks, "Hey, Mr Woodpecker. Is that young tree a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?"
The Woodpecker takes a nibble and replies, "It's neither. It's the best bit of Ash I've ever had my pecker in."
Q: How do you cure a blonde heroin addict?
A: Give them a plastic spoon.
An American in Japan.
An American is on a business trip to Japan and while he's there he hires a hooker. The whole night the Japanese hooker is screaming excitedly, "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!"
Well the yank can't quite remember what that means, but he feels sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability.
The next day he plays a game of golf with his Japanese business partner and his partner sinks a hole-in-one. Well everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he American can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!" Concerned, his partner looks at him and says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"
The Job Interview.
A scouser goes for a job interview and gets the job! The boss says, "I'll give you 8 pounds an hour starting today, and in three months that will rise it 12 pounds an hour. When can start?"
The scouser replies, "How 'bout 3 months from now?"
A pain in the Arse.
A bloke goes to the doctors with a terrible pain in his arse.
"OK," says the Doc, "Drop your pants and I'll take a look."
While checking the guys arse the doctor finds a massive wad of banks notes. He quickly counts the money and says to his patient.
"You're not going to believe this I've just found 2,000 inside your rectum."
"Hmm," says the patient. "Well, that explains why I haven't been feeling too grand."
Feeling faint.
Joe gets into a lift, looks up and sees a huge bloke standing next to him. The big bloke sees Joe staring says, "I'm 7 feet tall, 350 lbs have a 20 inch penis, 3 lbs of testicles, Turner Brown."
Well Joe falls to the floor after fainting. The big dude kneels and while slapping Joe's face asks, "Are you Ok?"
"Excuse me," says Joe in a weak voice, "but what did you just say?"
The big guy replies, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions that people ask me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs have a 20 inch penis, 3 lbs of testicles, and my name is Turner Brown."
"Oh Thank God for that," says Joe, "I thought you said Turn Around."
New Drugs For Men.
With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.
Here are a few of the new ones:
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favourite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
A sandwich in a bar.
A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, "You! You'll have to leave! We don't serve food here!'"
15 New inventions by blondes.
1. The water-proof towel.
2. Glow in the dark sunglasses.
3. Solar powered flashlights.
4. Submarine screen doors.
5. A book on how to read .
6. Inflatable dartboards.
7. A dictionary index.
8. Powdered water.
9. Pedal powered wheel chairs .
10. Water proof tea bags.
11. Watermelon seed sorter.
12. Zero proof alcohol.
13. Reusable ice cubes.
14. Skinless bananas.
15. Do it yourself roadmap.