Two Flies.
Two flies bump into each other over a pool of vomit.
"Hello mate," one says to the other, "I haven't seen you in ages."
"Yea," replies his pal, "I've been off sick."
Newsflash: A lorry load of onions has been shed on the M1.
Drivers are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.
Newsflash: A large hold has been found in a fence around a nudist camp.
Police say they are looking into in.
Newsflash: A female writer has suggested that sex is a lot like a Shakespeare plays.
Three inches is 'Much Ado About Nothing,'
Six inches is 'As you like it,' and Nine inches is 'A midsummer Night's Dream.'
Did you hear about bloke got caught with his dick in a packet of Ritz biscuits at a hospital? He told his psychiatrist, "See I told you I was fucking crackers!"
Did you hear about the bloke that came to a fork in the road?
He took it home and washed it.
Riddle me this...
The one who makes it, sells it.
The one who buys it, never uses it.
The one that uses it never knows that he's using it.
What is it?
A coffin.
The English Language.
If you ever feel stupid, then just read on because if you've learned to speak English you must be a genius!
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I want it to be on record that I will record my record
The Sex Shop.
A little old lady, somewhat unstable on her feet, walks into a sex shop. She looks around and then shakily makes her way to the counter. On arrival she grabs the counter for support and asks the assistant, "Ddddooo youuuu sssellll vvvvviibratorrssss?"
"Yes we do," says the assistant.
The little old lady continues, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk ooonnnnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"
"Sure," replies the assistant.
"Wweellll, ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
The Fly.
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly thought, "If I go down six inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
A fish in the water was thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down six inches I can eat him."
A bear on the shore was thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down six inches...that fish will jump for the fly...and I will eat the fish."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down six inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a fantastic trophy."
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but...I can tell you there was more...
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down six inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, "Gosh...if that fly goes down six inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...then I can have mouse for lunch."
Well the poor fly was so hot and so dry that he finally moved down to the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallowed the fly...
The bear grabbed the fish...
The hunter shot the bear...
The mouse grabbed the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumped for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
And the cat fell in the lake and drowns.
The moral of the story is...whenever a fly goes down six inches...some pussy is probably in danger.