What did the doctor say to the woman with thrush?
Natural yoghurt it's the yeast you should try!
Q: Who is the most popular guy in hospital?
A: The ultra sound guy.
The Zoo.
A blonde is looking for a job and is finally offered a position at London zoo. During her first morning at work the supervisor explains that she is assigned to the tortoise care section. Later that day the supervisor stops by to see how she is doing and finds her standing by an empty enclosure.
"Where are the tortoises?" asks the supervisor.
"I can't believe it," answers the blonde. "I just opened the door and then whoosh, they were gone!"
Q: What's the best advise you can give to an overweight sailor?
A: Abandon chip!
Q: What does an American call 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup?
A: Won ton.
Did you hear about the snake charmer that married an undertaker?
Their favourite wedding gift was a set of towels embroidered 'Hiss and Hearse.'
Drinking Guide FAQ.
1. SYMPTOM: My Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him/her.
2. SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.
3. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
4. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".
5. SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.
6. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.
7. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
8. SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to loo, practise in mirror.
9. SYMPTOM: Floor blurry.
FAULT: You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.
10. SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party
11. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.
12. SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
13. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
14. SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
15. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: That lager is too weak.
ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.
16. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
17. SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up dosage immediately.
18. SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.
19. SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.