Q: Why do Essex Girls prefer men who sleep around?
A: They know their condoms won't be past their Best Before Date.
Essex Couple Driving along one night: Sharon: Don't you fancy me then?
Trev: Yeh.
Sharon: Well 'ow come we 'aven't run out of petrol yet then?
Q: Why can't an Essex Girl get a bloke to eat ice cream from her pussy?
A: Nobody can eat that much ice-cream.
Music Shop Customer: Excuse me, have you got 'Air on the G String?'
Essex Girl Assistant: Nah, it's caught in the zip of me jeans.
Tracey: I knew 'e loved me, Shaz, 'e said them 3 magic words.
Sharon: Wot, 'I Love You'?
Tracey: Nah, 'Get Into Bed'.
Sharon: Men are all the same, they're only after one thing.
Tracey: I know. Great isn't it.
Sharon: I've been going steady for 3 weeks now, Trace.
Tracey: 'Ow does it feel, Shaz?
Sharon: It's ruinin' me sex life.
Q: Why do Essex girls where white shoes?
A: So the dandruff doesn't show when she's got no knickers on.
Q: What is the difference between an Essex blonde and a plane crash?
A: Her black box is easier to find.
Q: What is the difference between Essex Girl and a bottle of port?
A: The port matures with age.
Q: Why is an Essex Girl like a turtle?
A: They're both f*cked when they are on their backs.
Q: What's an Essex girl's idea of natural childbirth?
A: No make-up.
Q: Why didn't the Essex Girl stop when the traffic cop waved at her?
A: She didn't want him to think she was 'that kind of girl'
Q: Why doesn't Essex girl use a pocket calculator?
A: She knows how many pockets she's got.
Q: How does an Essex girl attract men in a pub?
A: 'One more drink and I'm anybody's!'
Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they don't get mistaken for Essex girls.
Q: What's the difference between Essex Girl and a Number 22 bus?
A: You don't have to wait 20 minutes for a number 22 bus to come.
Tracey: Sharon, Wayne's been 2 timing me!
Sharon: Bastard! Is that ALL he could manage?
Q: How many surreal Essex girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A perm.
Wayne: Cor, those ski-pants are tight, Trace - however d'you get into them?
Tracey: Easy - buy me a Malibu.
Q: Why does an Essex girl wear tight skirts to the office?
A: To keep her legs together.
Wayne: Tracey, why are you sliding down the banister?
Tracey: Just warming up your dinner, Wayne.
Q: Why are Essex Men just like public toilets?
A: They're sometimes vacant, sometimes engaged, but always full of sh*t.
Q: What do you say to an Essex Girl who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?
A: Marry me.
Q: How does Essex Girl get pregnant?
A: Wayne comes in her stiletto, the flies do the rest.
Q: What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a Crop Circle?
A: A Crop Circle might JUST contain signs of intelligence.
Sharon: Someone broke into me room last night an' took all me books.
Tracey: Shaz, that's awful, you must be real pissed off.
Sharon: I am Tray, I hadn't finished colourin' some of 'em.
That's the Lot folks!
The Clothing Guy.
Rip Torn came out of the closet after being caught with his pants down. He decided to break all ties with the past. He was worried about his job as a hatter, if he lots that he could lose his shirt. In the past he'd a few bad in-vest-ments, but fortunately his old friend Sue Coats never let him bows under pressure.
Microsoft has just released a new Homer Simpson version of their operating system. Its called Win-Dohhs!
Harry Potter is sat in a Pub watching Peter Rabbit. The Rabbit is putting on an amazing show and does some magic every time a punter buys him a pint.
"What's he doing?" asks Harry.
A pal replies, "I'd says its Beer Tricks Potter!"
Q: Why do most Lesbians have baby soft skin on their face?
A: Muff Diving is a great way to exfoliate and moisturise.