You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test: and the results were Negative.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-a-part.
New shoes.
A guy buys some shiny shoes and notices that when he stands near a girl he can see up their skirt! So on Saturday night he goes to the local dance. When his girlfriend arrives he says, "You're wearing blue knickers tonight."
"Yes," she says a bit surprised. "How did you know?" He explains her about the shinny shoes. With a mischievous look she says, "Why don't you check my sister?"
The guy goes to ask for a dance, but when he gets up close he staggers back in shock and has to take a seat.
"Well," says his smirking girlfriend, "I see you've noticed that my sister doesn't wear knickers!"
"Thank go for that," replies the young man, "For a minute there, I thought one of my shoes had a crack in it!"
The 6-foot cockroach.
A guy drinks six beers and when he's finished the sixth the doorbell rings. As he opens the door a 6-foot cockroach grabs him and throws him across the hallway.
The next night after four beers, the doorbell rings. It's the 6-foot cockroach again. It punches him in the stomach and walks away.
The next night the guy has just two beers when the doorbell rings. He slowly opens the door and sees the giant roach. It knees him in the groin and elbows him in the back of the head. While he's doubled up in pain the roach walks away.
Battered and bruised the guy goes to the doctors for a check up. "What can I do, Doc?"
he asks.
The doctor replies, "Nothing pal. It's just a nasty bug that's going around."
Answering Machine Messages.
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
A is for academics - B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So, leave a message.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner!
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Q and A.
Q: Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He's all right now.
Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
A: She says, Daddy, I want a new apartment.
Q: Why do prostitutes wear earrings?
A: It gives them something to hook their legs onto!
Q: Why do prostitutes use condoms?
A: They last longer than gum!
Never trust a stockbroker that's married to a travel agent.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Historical.
A guy complains to a mate, "I can't take it anymore."
"What's wrong?" his pal asks.
"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"
"You mean hysterical," his friend chuckles.
"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll say 'I still remember that time when you...'"
Pussy and bitch.
A kid comes home from school and says to his mum, Mom I've got a problem.
OK. Tell me. Says his mum.
The boys at school are using two words I doesn't understand.
So what are they?
Well, pussy and bitch. Says the boy.
Oh that's no big deal. Pussy is a cat, and bitch is a female dog.
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the garage. He says, Dad the boys at school are using words I don't understand. I asked mum and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
What are the words? He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says, OK, and pulls a copy of Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centrefold and says, Son, everything inside this circle is pussy.
OK, dad, so what's a bitch?
Son, he says, everything outside that circle.
Two Hookers.
Two prostitutes are talking about being arrested by the police, while waiting for some business.
"So, you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" asked the first.
"No," replied the second, "but I've been grabbed by the tits a few times."
Bottom Deodorant.
A blonde woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant is a bit bemused and explains, "We don't sell bottom deodorant and never have." The blonde replies, "I've been buying the stuff from this shore on a regular basis and I'd like some more."
"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the assistant.
"Sure" Says the blonde pulling it from her handbag and handing it over.
"This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant."
Annoyed blonde snatches the container back, and reads out loud from the container instructions, "To apply, push up bottom."