Two old guys are arguing about their doctors. The first one says, "I don't trust that guy you see. He treated old Fred Smith for a kidney complaint for nearly a year, and then Fred died of a liver cancer."
"So what makes you think your doctor's any better?" his friend asks.
"Hell, if my doctor treats you for a kidney complaint, you can be sure you'll die of it."
She came to me.
A guy walks into a pub and says to the bartender, "I'll have a double Whisky. I just had a fight with the wife."
"Oh yeah," replies the bartender. "How did it end?"
"When it was over," the guy says, "She came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said, 'come out from under that table, you weasel.'"
Did you hear about the guy that cut myself shaving?
Fortunately, he got help in the nick of time.
The new patient.
While acquainting himself with an elderly patient the student doctor asks, "How long have you been bedridden?" The lady, hard of hearing, looks at him with an expression of complete confusion.
"I'm not sure that's any of your business," she replies, "But since you've asked it's been about ten years, when my husband was alive."
Clinton Jokes.
Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote.
Q: What does Clinton like more that roses on his piano?
A: Tulips on his organ.
Q: If Monica were a bird, what kind would she be?
A: A swallow.
Q: Why can't Monica become a spy?
A: Because she spits everything out when the debriefing's done.
What Bra Type?
A man walked into a ladies underwear store and shyly approaches an assistant.
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife," he says.
"OK. What type would you like?" she asks.
"Type? You mean there's more than one?" puzzles the guy.
"Well to be honest, there are really only three types," replies the assistant. "The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the spin-doctor makes mountains out of mole hills."
Save money with these top tips...
If you're choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and Hey presto! The blockage is instantly dissolved.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them for you!
Ladies don't buy a vibrator make own inexpensive version using an empty aluminium cigar tub filled with angry wasps.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before using it.
Have hours of endless fun by putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl. It makes the their eyes bulge and causes them to swim like crazy.
Gentlemen avoid long running arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat, by simply pissing in the sink.
Got High blood pressure? Sufferers of this common complain can simply cure themselves by slashing their wrists and bleed for a while. This great method quickly reduces the pressure in your veins!
Have trouble getting up in the morning? A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep!
British Standards.
It's amazing that family planning clinics always recommend condoms that are, 'Manufactured to British Standards.' Cause lets face it, so was the Titanic!
Two professors.
Two Professors of English, One American and One British are talking. The American Professor says, "You know if Uncle Sam hadn't helped in the Second World War you'd be speaking German."
To which the British Professor replies, "May be. And if the French hadn't helped you during the American War of Independence you'd still be speaking English."
Three surgeons.
Three surgeons are discussing the best type of patient to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table. As when I open them up I can do everything by numbers."
The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are the best patients. When you open them up you can do everything alphabetical order."
But the third surgeon says, "No, No the French are the best patients to operate on.
When you open them up you'll find, there's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."
The screw.
It's the late 50's and a guy goes to pick up his date. The girl's father opens the front door and invites him in. "She's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" says the proud dad. "So what's are your plans for tonight?"
"We'll probably just go to the coffee bar and a movie." Says the young man. The father replies, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young man, so he asks the father to repeat it.
"Yeah," says the father, "My daughter really loves to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Eventually the girl appears and the young couple leave. About 10 minutes later, girl rushes back into the house, slamming the door behind her. She scream's, "Dad! The dance is called 'The Twist!'"
Ding-Dong.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, a girl goes straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother. When she asks how her grandfather died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, the girl says, "Two people nearly 100 years old having sex! Surely that's asking for trouble?" "Oh no, my dear," replies granny. "Many years ago we realizing we should slow down. We found the best time to do it was just as the church bells start to ring.
They have just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." Wiping away a tear she continues, "and if that god dam ice cream van hadn't showed up, he'd still be alive today!"
T-shirt slogans.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because: Millions on the dole depend on me!