A Wish.
"And what would you like?"
"A penis!"
Somewhat surprised and embarrassed, the compare checks again, "You'd like what?"
"A penis!!"
"Right" says the compare, "There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Miss Frances' wish for the world is happiness!"
The Doctor's appointment.
A guy walks into the doctor's to make an appointment. "What's your problem?" asks the pretty receptionist. "I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," stammers the guy. "I've an almost constant erection."
"Hum," replies the receptionist, "the doctor's very busy today, but I might be able to squeeze you in."
"Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?"
"I can't say." Replies the Doc, "I never make rash promises!"
Q: What's the difference between normal sex and anal sex?
A: About half an inch.
Q: What's another name for Wife Swapping?
A: Four-Play
Q: What do you call a man with eleven dicks?
A: The manager of the England's Football Team!
Q: What do you call a man that's had a load taken off trouble taken off his mind?
A: Lester Walley O'Burt.
The maid.
A maid is being fired for shoddy work. When her employer has finished talking the maid takes 5 pounds out of her purse and gives it to her.
"What's this for?" asks her former employer.
"Its for your dog." Replies the maid. "He's been helping me clean the dishes for weeks!"
"Doctor, Doctor I get poultry salary."
"You mean paltry."
"No, poultry. It's chickenfeed."
The Middle East.
A young couple go on a cruise for their honeymoon. Wanting to impress his new bride with his knowledge of foreign affairs, the husband asks, "What do you think about the Middle East position?" His wife thinks for a moment and then replies, "I don't know, have we tried that one yet?"
Viagra Eye drops.
Scientists have been experimenting with a new form of Viagra. The new product, taken as eye drops, doesn't give you an erection, but it doesn't half make you look hard!
Airplane charm.
A young lady goes to a dance wearing a low-cut dress. Around her neck she's wearing a gold airplane charm on a long chain. While she's dancing she notices a young man staring at her. In her embarrassment, she holds up the airplane charm and says, "Like my airplane, huh?"
The young man smiles mischievously. "No. I was just admiring the landing strip."
Old couple.
An old couple are getting ready for bed. The man gets in bed as usually but the wife lies on the floor. The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"
The wife replies, "Because I'd like to feel something hard for a change."
Alternative Definitions.
Hotel Maid: A Spreadsheet expert.
Hot pants: Breaches of promise.
Q: What colour was the British ghost's flag?
A: Red, White and Boo!
Q: Which one of King Arthur's knights invented the round table?
A: Probably Circumference.
Q: How would you describe a really hot coffee pot?
A: I'd say its Perky.
"Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm becoming invisible!"
"Yes, I can see you're not all there."
Essex girl.
An Essex girl is involved in a car crash and is leaking loads of blood.
Eventually a medic turns up and asks, "Can you hear me?"
"Yes" replies the girl."
"What's your name?"
"Sharon" she splutters.
"OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?"
With a slight cough she replies, "Romford mate."
Q and A.
Q: Where does Batman's goldfish live?
A: In the bat tub