Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman...
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are in a pub talking about their sons. The Englishman says "My son was born on St George's Day so we decided to call him George."
"That's a coincidence," says the Scotsman. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so we called him Andrew."
"That's an amazing coincidence," says the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
Texas Town Trumpets and Guns.
In a small Texas town a guy opens a store selling trumpets and guns. One day a tourist pays him a visit and says, " Hey pal this is a strange business!"
"What do you mean strange?" says the storekeeper.
"Only selling trumpets and guns." Replies the tourist.
"O, I find it works quite well."
"What do you sell the most of trumpets or guns?" asks the tourist.
"Its about even." Says the storekeeper. "Each time a customer buys a trumpet I usually one of his neighbours buys a gun!"
The Diner.
Two guys go into a diner and sit down at the counter. They order a couple of sodas and then take sandwiches out of their packed lunches and started to eat them.
The owner sees what they are doing and says, "Guys, you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The two men stop, look at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.
The Artist.
A young artist works in his studio at home. He specialises in nudes, and has been working on a masterpiece for several months.
His model shows up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she begins to undress for the day's work. He says, "Don't bother undressing. I don't feel like painting. I think I'm getting the flu. I'll pay you for the day. But you can go home. All I want to do is have some hot soup and then go to bed."
The model says, "Hey, I'll fix the soup for you. It's the least I can do."
They're sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying a cup of soup, when the artist hears the front door open and close.
"Oh my god!" he whispers, "It's the wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!"
Three Morals...
A little bird is flying south for the winter. It's so cold that the bird freezes and falls to the ground in a large field.
While lying there on the edge of death, a cow walks by and craps on it. Well the dung is so hot that the frozen bird begins to thaw. In fact the bird is so warm and happy it soon begins to sing for joy!
A passing cat hears the bird song and comes to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovers the bird under the cowpat. It promptly digs it out and eats it!
The morals of this story:
1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep doo-doo its best to keep your mouth shut!
Mary's fantasy.
For a long time, Mary had a sexual fantasy of having hot sex with a black man. One night Mary finds herself in a bar. After a while she meets a handsome black man, who appears to be charming and a great guy. So she figures what the heck, I'll go for it. So Mary asks the guy to come home with her.
When they get to Mary's apartment they had a few more glasses of wine. Mary looks deeply into the guy's eyes and tells him about her fantasy and asks him to be a part of it!
Well, the guy agrees and so the two head for Mary's bedroom. Mary is hot by now and says, "OK, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!"
So the guy takes four of her silk scarves and securely ties her arms and legs to the bedposts so that she's left spread-eagle.
By this time, Mary is worked into frenzy. She looks up at the black guy with lust in her eyes and says, "OK, big boy, do what you do best to me!"
And would you believe it he's does. He walks out of the bedroom into the lounge grabs her TV and climbs out the window!
Want a bet?
A local bookie is given a parrot in lieu of some cash. The bird's vocabulary includes phrases in English, French, Spanish and German. Sensing a winner, the bookie takes the bird to his local pub. "He speaks four languages," the bookie explains to the barman. The barman looks at him with and expression of complete disbelief.
"Want bet on it?" the bookie challenges.
"Sure" says the bartender. "Ten bucks says he can't." The bookie turns to the parrot and says, "Parlez-vous francais?" There's no response. Nor was there any reply to the question in English, Spanish and German. The barman picks up the bookie's Ten-dollar bill from the bar and goes about his business.
Outside the bookie glares at the bird. "Your useless! I ought to ring your neck!"
"Don't be a idiot," the parrot replies. "Just think of the odds you'll get tomorrow."
A guy says to his wife, "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it."
His wide replies, "You wear underpants don't you?"
A guy says to his wife, "Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?"
His wide replies, "No, I'd love you no matter who left you the money."
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault. I ran out of money.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
He said... Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...Great idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
Just married.
A young bridal couple go to their Hotel for their wedding night. The next day, the bride's closest friend comes over and asks her how last night went.
She replies, "I'm just so tired! All night long it was up and down, in and out, in and out.
Don't ever get a room next to an elevator!"
Who is cheating who?