The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"
Blondes.
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire do they go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would be better if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!"
Nail, Screw or Bolt?
"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the woodwork teacher asked Judi, the only girl in the class. Judi thought for a minute and then replied, "Hum. I don't know. I've ain't never been bolted."
As the X-Ray technician walked down the aisle with a former patient, a co-worker Nurse whispered to a doctor. I never could figure out what she saw in him!"
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."
"Well hope up on the couch and I'll examine you."
"I'm sorry I can't Doc. I'm not allowed on the furniture."
Birthday party.
An old man is relaxing at his one-hundredth-birthday party, when a reporter asks him.
"Excuse me Sir, what's the secret of your long life?"
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "At 9 PM every night I have a glass of port. Its good for our Heart!"
The reporter replies, "That's ALL?"
The man smiles, "Yea well that, and cancelling my voyage on Titanic!"
Twenty-Three Things You Should Know.
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian; any more than standing in a garage makes you a car mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
The Hospital Inspector.
A hospital inspector is visiting the local hospital. During her tour she passes a room where a male patient is masturbating.
"Oh my GOD!" says the woman. "That's disgraceful. Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who is leading the tour explains, "This man has a very serious condition. His testicles rapidly fill with semen and if he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he'll die within minutes."
"Oh ok," says the inspector. In the very next room they can see a female nurse giving a male patient a blowjob.
OH my GOD!" says the woman, "Now how do you explain that?"
The doctor smiles and replies, "Same illness, better health insurance."
Public hairs.
A husband and his wife decide to rent a room to a young student. When she arrives the wife explains, "We haven't got a bathroom. So when you want a bath you'll have to use a tin bath that is next to the fireplace. I suggest you take your bath on Monday evenings, as my husband goes out with his friends that night."
Next Monday the girl undressing near the fireplace and the wife notes that she hasn't any pubic hair. The following morning the wife tells her husband.
"That student girl's go no pubic hair!"
"I don't believe it!" he says.
"It's true," says the wife, "Next week I'll keep leave a gap between the curtains so you can see!"
Next Monday the girl takes her bath and the wife asks, "Do you shaves your pubic hair?"
"Oh, no. I have never had any." Says the girl. "Do you have hairs there?"
"Sure" says the wife as she lifts her skirt to show her.
The next morning the wife asks her husband, "Did you see?"
"Sure I did. But why did you show her yours?"
"Oh... what's the problem with that? You've seen it hundreds of times!"
"Yea that's true" says the husband, " but all my god dam friends HAVEN'T!"
It makes sense.
A guy walks into a theatrical agent's office, and he's carrying a little black bag.
The agent says, "Ok, let's see your act."
So the guy reaches into his bag and takes out a hammer and a few walnuts. He puts the walnuts on his head and then smashes them with the hammer.
"Well, what do you think?" he asks the agent.
Stunned the agent asks, "That's your act?"
"Yep." Says the guy.
"So what else have you got in the black bag?"
"An Aspirin."