Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behaviour. When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
"Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew. Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
Breakfast.
One morning in a hotel breakfast room, a guest calls over the headwaiter.
"Good morning, sir!" says the waiter.
"I'd like to order two boiled eggs. One of them so undercooked that it's runny, and the other so overcooked that it's like rubber. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature."
The bewildered waiter says, "Sir! We can't serve an awful breakfast like that to you!"
"Why not?" asks the guest. "That's what I got here yesterday!"
Buying horses.
Little Johnny attends a horse auction with his father. He watches as his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asks, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replies, "When I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."
"Why?" says his father.
"Because I think the mail man was trying to buy Mum yesterday."
Good friars.
The good friars were having a difficult time meeting the payments for the new belfry they'd put in the monastery, so they decided to open a flower shop to get a little extra cash.
They did so, and were very successful. Apparently, everyone in the village wanted to purchase their posies from these godly men.
However, the other florist in town was severely affected financially by their success, so he went to the good friars and asked them to please consider shutting down. They, of course, did not, and so after a few more weeks of diminishing profits, he went again to beg them to consider closing.
The friars, however, refused. In desperation, the other village florist contacted Hugh McTaggart, the meanest, ugliest bully in the village, and sent him on a mission.
So Mr. McTaggart went to the flower shop and demolished it, tossing the friars about like rag dolls, and warning them sternly that they'd better close, or he'd be back to do worse.
Naturally, the friars closed up shop that day, and never reopened, thus proving once again that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Swimming.
A beautiful woman walks into an orchard and found a lovely pool on a hot summers day.
She decides to cool off by go skinny-dipping. She looked around, doesn't see anyone, and undresses. Just as she is about to dive in, the orchard owner appears from behind a bush where he was hiding. He tells her, "Swimming is prohibited."
"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolds him.
He replies, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."
Message.
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should come closer. When he does, she begins to gently caress his bushy beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks softly as she continues to stroke his beard with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", gasps the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Sure there is. Give him a message for me" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there's no toilet paper in the ladies room."
It hurts.
A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus, with his pants pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady.
The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."
The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Afternoon sex.
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for some hot sex. "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
Sex education.
"Sex education has its own special problems," an instructor in the field pointed out to me. "One of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to fail her or give her extra credit."
Strange but true ads.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
"Brrr!"
This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.
The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, and dips his head in a bloke's beer and goes, "Brrr!"
The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, "Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut your balls off!"
The gremlin says, "I ain't got none!"
"Well, I'll cut off your prick!"
"I haven't got one of them, neither," says the gremlin.
"Well, how do you pee?"
The gremlin smiles and says, "Brrr!"