But if you're trying to meet a man and get him to fall madly in love with you so that he can be the father of your children, it's a much different story.
And wouldn't it be nice to stop worrying about what might be wrong with men? Exactly... so let me say it again to be clear.
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If you start doing what works with men in small and simple steps, such as triggering intense physical and intellectual attraction (I will discuss how to do this later in this chapter), then you'll be able to put aside most of the issues you might have worried about in the past. And all of a sudden, men will magically become easier to be with. They'll be more open and receptive with you about everything. And amazingly, you'll have a much easier time understanding where they're coming from as well.
But you also want to trigger a man's interest in something more long term, right? And this is where things start to sound and feel less simple for most women.
So let me ask you something...
Have you ever talked to a woman about a relationship she's in, and she told you she never had any big issues with the guy she's with. You wonder why there was never any real struggle about a commitment, settling down, and thinking about marriage. It's like their relationship sounds too easy, and you wonder why it isn't like this with the guys you date?
These low or zero maintenance relationships, where things seem to naturally drift towards commitment and marriage, aren't just fairy tales. They happen for lots of people out there.
But what's so different about these men and how can a woman attract such men? And why are these men so much easier to be in a relationship with, and why is it easier for them to want to move forward in the relationship?
The thing that I've learned is that in getting to these answers about men and relationships, there's an all important question that you need to learn the answer to first: "What attracts men?"
And...
"What amplifies the attraction above and beyond the ::: 102 :::.
physical attraction? And how can a woman get the guy to commit?
It might sound too simple, but after years of study and observation around the subject of dating and relationships, something became glaringly obvious... Most people have no "real world" idea of what attraction is, where attraction comes from, or how to create attraction in others. There's no tangible evidence out there that says "this is attraction, this is how it works, this is how to create it." And what's even stranger is there's no hard science or studies out there that really explain attraction. In fact, there are very few books at all on the subject, of any kind.
This being the case, the next few sections in the book cover "real world" information about the behavior and communication that creates lasting attraction with men.
The "Curse" Of the Physically Attractive Woman If you've been paying attention in life, you know that things often come easy to physically attractive women. And it's especially true when it comes to meeting men. No big discovery there, right? But here's the thing I find fascinating... If you've been paying attention in life, you know that things often come easy to physically attractive women. And it's especially true when it comes to meeting men. No big discovery there, right? But here's the thing I find fascinating...
The women I know who are physically attractive usually have a HARDER time finding a good guy to settle down with them in comparison to the women I know who don't have men ogling them all the time.
In other words, the women I know who aren't approached by men as often are usually better at identifying good men from bad men. And they're better at creating the right environment and situation for a future relationship.
What's going on here? It seems kind of backwards.
I've been thinking more about this lately and I've started to recognize a pattern. For women who are physically attractive, in a strange way, being attractive becomes the very thing that holds them back from learning how to create the kind of attraction that goes beyond just how good they look.
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Let me explain...
Some women are able to trigger a man's "caveman response", so they think that this is what works. And anything else that might go wrong between her and the man afterwards is some totally unrelated problem.
But here's the thing... Sure, triggering a man's physical interest is a relatively easy way to go about it. Men, being the predictable animals they can be, usually respond to what the woman is doing. But here's the tricky part about some men.
When a man responds to physical attraction, it can lead women into thinking that they're going about getting close to him in the right way.
However, the ultimate outcome isn't anything near what the woman was aiming for in her love life. And instead of falling in love with her the way she would have wanted him to, the "caveman" just falls "in lust" and doesn't develop any real connection or desire beyond the physical, which means that he has no desire for a long-term relationship with her.
So tension and trouble starts to build and it becomes painfully obvious that he's not ready for anything more serious because he doesn't share the same deep feelings for her as she does for him.
Every man I know wants to share more than just sex with a woman. But they don't REQUIRE that a woman meet their broad set of criteria for him to be interested in having sex with her. Physical attraction is often the first mechanism triggered in a man.
A guy can see a woman he finds physically appealing and want to be with her JUST for that reason. He will act on his feelings of physical attraction and get involved with her without really thinking beyond his physical desire for her. I call this situation the "caveman response" because of how reckless this kind of behavior can become.
As a result, lots of men get involved with women because they have a narrow-minded sexual focus. Plus, lots of men haven't developed much emotional maturity when it comes to ::: 104 :::.
women, dating, and relationships. What happens here is that the man's physical attraction "triggers" end up leading their decision-making because their emotional sensibilities aren't as developed as they are with most women.
Maybe you've seen this... maybe you knew a guy who dated a beautiful woman who was a TOTAL NIGHTMARE and who you couldn't believe that he got involved with her. Maybe the woman was destructive, malicious, manipulative, etc., but the guy didn't see it or didn't even care.
What's happening here is that the physical attraction takes such an intense hold of the man that it distracts him from addressing his longer-term fulfillment and emotional needs. And about 2-4 months or so later the physical intensity usually starts to wane and the man "comes to his senses." He finally sees all the things about the woman everyone around was trying to warn him about. Then the relationship ends shortly thereafter and the guy starts saying things like: "How could I have dated her?" Or, "What was I thinking?"
Ever heard a guy say this? Unfortunately, it happens a lot, and it's almost always a painful situation for the woman on the other side who might feel used or taken advantage of.
Actually, it sucks for them.
Let's get to the bottom of what's going on here.
First, the men involved in these situations are obviously at fault. These guys haven't grown up enough to decide the right reasons when and why to get involved with a woman or not. In fact, they're not really thinking at all about the consequences and the future.
The real dirt on men is that they can often have JUST a physical attraction for women, not being sure about anything else they might want beyond that and still move forward with a woman. For some men, feeling physically attracted to a woman is enough to become intimate but while lots of women don't work this way.
If the man knew what the reality of the situation was for ::: 105 :::.
themselves emotionally (that he wasn't really available and ready to commit) and the reality for the woman (that she expects something more than just a fling to get involved with her), then he would have known that it wasn't right for him to become involved with her in the first place.
When was the last time you heard a guy who's physically attracted to you say, "I really want to be with you, but I don't know how I feel about this and I don't know if I'm ready"?
Yeah right! It's almost laughable, but kind of sad, that tons of men out there aren't more in touch with any of their feelings for women besides the physical attraction.
If you want to make the right start, enticing a man through physical attraction is the wrong way to try and set a foundation for the future with a man.
Physical and Intellectual Attraction Men can be drawn in solely by the physical appearance of a woman. But as I've mentioned, men don't settle down with women for these reasons. A man will settle down with a woman because of her personality, how she makes him feel, and how she interacts on a personal and social level. Men can be drawn in solely by the physical appearance of a woman. But as I've mentioned, men don't settle down with women for these reasons. A man will settle down with a woman because of her personality, how she makes him feel, and how she interacts on a personal and social level.
What I'm getting at is that there are two types of attraction that need to be around for things to get really serious with a man: "Physical Attraction" and "Intellectual Attraction." Having spent years observing, studying and thinking about this, I've come to the conclusion that it answers both questions: "What attracts men?" and "What interests them in a longer term relationship?"
"Physical Attraction" is the most obvious because it's about external stuff. Physical attraction is what happens when women say "that guy is really hot", or when a man starts flirting with you out of nowhere at a bar. This attraction usually comes from body language, looks, and style.
On the other hand, "Intellectual Attraction" has little to do with looks or the appearance of things. It most often comes about as a result of a man seeing and identifying for himself ::: 106 :::.
something special and unique in a woman's personality. This attraction usually comes from indications of high status (which includes voice, posture, attitude, and the way other people position themselves around you). It also includes things like a sense of humor, confidence, and unpredictability.
And here's a crucial point: a man can't experience Intellectual Attraction for a woman if he sees her as someone who's not his equal. And if a man perceives a woman as being higher status, then the attraction can be even more intensified.
When a man experiences this kind of attraction for a woman, he separates her from all the other women in his mind, and she becomes someone unique and special that instantly has his respect and admiration. And these are thoughts that don't usually take hold for men because of any physical attraction.
BOTH these types of attraction are NECESSARY ingredients to any successful dating situation and ongoing relationship. Other things can come and go, but if both these types of attraction stay strong then the other things going on have 100 times more probability of working out.
How Selfish Behavior Creates Attraction So what is it about "selfish" woman that creates this powerful, intellectual attraction inside of men? So what is it about "selfish" woman that creates this powerful, intellectual attraction inside of men?
Let me answer first by telling you what IT'S NOT: It's NOT the lack of generosity. I don't believe that women who are selfish in the way that I'm talking about lack generosity with their emotions, their possessions, etc. Men aren't attracted to that abusive, mean, negative part of the "bitch personality" (not healthy men usually anyway).
I think that "selfish" women JUST HAPPEN to also possess several ATTRACTIVE qualities that are SO POWERFUL that that they literally make men BLIND to the negatives. So men will rationalize and excuse the negative behavior because they are so attracted to these other qualities.
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Here's a PARTIAL list of what creates that ATTRACTION: * Unpredictability * Uncontrollability * Challenging * Casual Interplay of Dominance/Submission Of course, there are many more, but this will get us started. The qualities I've listed above, when presented correctly, trigger the natural "attraction mechanism" inside of men.
"Bitchy" women have taken natural qualities that are ATTRACTIVE to women a little "too far." But because they're still there, the qualities trigger the attraction anyway.
So what does this mean to you?
"Selfish" behavior, as unhealthy as this might sound, often makes men feel attracted to you and wins them over to your way of thinking. Weird, huh? Sarcasm, playing hard to get, challenging their behavior and beliefs and all kinds of other "illogical" things like letting a man know that you'll only date him seriously if he's open to considering marriage as an option in the future really does work when it comes to attracting and keeping good men around.
Check out the book Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others by John T. Molloy for more on men and marriage.
It's all there in the cold hard statistics of the women who married and those that didn't.
Personality Traits That Attract Men In the next section, I'm going to describe the particular personalities that naturally attract men. But before I do, I'd like to talk about some of these different behaviors and personality traits associated with Intellectual Attraction. Some are better when used in combination with others, and some don't work well together. Here's a list with brief descriptions. In the next section, I'm going to describe the particular personalities that naturally attract men. But before I do, I'd like to talk about some of these different behaviors and personality traits associated with Intellectual Attraction. Some are better when used in combination with others, and some don't work well together. Here's a list with brief descriptions.
I'll talk about how to combine these later.
* Sense of humor Sense of humor. Being funny and witty is just plain ::: 108 :::.
powerful with men. If you keep him laughing, things will naturally keep escalating.
* Intelligence and creativity Intelligence and creativity. Intelligence is sexy if it's used in an interesting way. Use your intelligence and creativity to surprise him with concepts, fantasies, and unexpected things that are charming and fun.
* Thoughtful Thoughtful. Men don't like to be over-appreciated or be kissed up to. But if you can let a man know that you were thinking about him in a way that doesn't say "I'm lonely and I need you", then he'll love it. Send him a short witty email that lets him know that he's on your mind.
* Perceptive or noticing details Perceptive or noticing details. Men love to be noticed. If he's really good at something (i.e. sports), or smart in some particular area, he will probably use these things to be important and attractive. Men are impressed by women who notice things about them that make them unique.
* Adventurous Adventurous. Men bond with other people when there is some kind of adventure with them. So men are instantly drawn to women who suggest and take part in extreme, adventurous, unusual, or even dangerous things. The excitement of the activity transfers over to his perspective of your being an exciting and sexy woman.
* Confident/Playful Confident/Playful. Men are magnetically attracted to women who are just a little bit too playful or cocky.
Just a little. Some women can be bitchy and distant, but that kind of cold attitude isn't what I'm talking about. If you watch Renee Russo in the Thomas Crown Affair or Kelly McGillis in Top Gun, you'll see what I'm talking about. Being assertive with a touch of arrogant humor will make you magical in a man's eyes.
* Talents & Knowledge Talents & Knowledge. If you've got something that you're an expert in, it can be really attractive. Bring it ::: 109 :::.
up with a man in a way that says, "Hey, check this out, this is interesting..." and then do something that surprises him. Don't do it in a way that says, "I'm really smart and cool."
* Attention Attention. Men like attention. It's strange how it works too. It's better to hint that you're giving them attention than to just give it. Say to a man, "I was thinking about the way you spoke earlier, and I just want to say how much I love the sound of your voice." Doing that is much more powerful than just sitting there, listening to him, and staring into his eyes, hoping that he feels the connection and understands that you like his voice.
* Being A Challenge Being A Challenge. Men often pursue women, but lots of times when a woman likes a man, she'll start pursuing him, sometimes without even knowing that she's doing it. If you're relaxed and casual with a man who might like you or who you like, call him and tell him that you're bored and that he needs to entertain you. If done in a playful way, he'll often do his best to do something to get your attention. Let him know that he needs to do something spectacular or else you're disinterested. It can drive men crazy, but they really love it. Yeah, this can be bratty, but the right touch of brattiness (without the snobby high-maintenance stuff) is just what you're after.
* Aggressive Aggressive (just a touch). Men love to see women who can go after something in their life and not be deterred and frustrated by it. And I'm not talking about going after a man. I'm talking about a goal or something in the woman's own personal life. (just a touch). Men love to see women who can go after something in their life and not be deterred and frustrated by it. And I'm not talking about going after a man. I'm talking about a goal or something in the woman's own personal life.
* Assertive Assertive. Men are used to being the leader. So if a woman is assertive and confident in any social situation, it is a sign to men that she knows how to make things happen. Seeing an assertive woman can be refreshing and intriguing for a man. Although men tend to take the lead, men also love women who can lead.
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* Teasing, Tension & Sexual Mastery Teasing, Tension & Sexual Mastery. It's no secret that men love sex. But just like life, a good lover isn't easy to find. Men instantly become addicted to skillful lovers, especially if they can tease them and taunt them a little. If you make a man wait, build suspense and tension, and always make the tempo of things go a little slower than he wants, it will drive a man crazy.
* Unpredictable/Predictable Unpredictable/Predictable. Men are drawn to women who they can't control or predict. They obsess over women who flirt, give them attention, and then don't feel the need to talk with them the next day.
Predictability is only attractive when it comes to choosing a wife. BUT... a man, as strange as it sounds, wants to see a woman as unpredictable in the beginning of a relationship. Predictability has a place when the relationship beings to evolve into something more serious, but even then there needs to be an element of unpredictability.
The "Natural" Way to Attract Men Let's get to some of the specific behaviors that help create and intensify attraction... Let's get to some of the specific behaviors that help create and intensify attraction...
To get you started, here's a fascinating concept to think about: In most areas of life, those who experience failure receive a huge benefit from the lesson they learn from the failure.
Most of the successful women I know have made mistakes in their careers, with their money, with friends, etc. But they all share something in common-they've learned quickly from their mistakes and won't make the same mistake again. These women may encounter similar situations in the future, but they change how they react.
But the same doesn't seem to go for what happens for these women with men. The women who are the most successful with men aren't often the ones who've experienced serious difficulty. The women who have experienced more of the painful lessons with men, whether it was because of the man's issues or their own, aren't often the smarter and wiser ::: 111 :::.
for it. In fact, they're often the ones who keep making the same mistakes over and over again or are the ones who have the hardest time moving on from the past.
What I've learned is that the attitudes and behaviors that create attraction and success with men aren't the obvious things that you'll pick up simply with time, experience, and failure. What creates and builds attraction is often counterintuitive.
Of course it helps if a woman is good looking, but it's important to understand that this isn't the only thing to which men are attracted and why men often end up not wanting to settle down with them. It's not about their looks, at least with any normal guy who isn't seeking a "trophy girl" on his arm.
Men want to settle down with women who have their emotions and behavior "together" in a way that signals they would make a great companion and make them feel that "intellectual attraction" at a deep level.
Unfortunately, not everyone was born with the looks or the personality that will effortlessly attract a good mate. But the good news is that it's not about your looks... you can still learn how to trigger physical and intellectual attraction with men if you take the time.
So let me ask you...
Have you ever known a woman who never had any problems attracting and meeting men? Maybe she was gorgeous, or maybe she had a magnetic personality that worked for her.
Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't anything she studied, read about, or learned from anyone else that gave her some amazing abilities to attract, interact with, and understand men.
I call these women the "Naturals."
They're the women that have an easy time attracting men and keeping a guy's interest, even when they're dating men with the most "unavailable" track record. It's like they can take ::: 112 :::.
those unavailable men and whip them into shape.
If you know any women like this type, they're great examples to learn about attraction. "Naturals" have never really had to worry or think about interacting with men, finding good men, or attracting them. Everything has come easy to them. They haven't gone through the "trial and error" kind of learning that most of us have had to do..
And since what Naturals know about men has come to them without much pain, failure, or disappointment, they have avoided internalizing all the fears, worries, and issues that most other women have brought into their lives from their experiences with men.
The point is, Naturals are good at triggering the physical and intellectual attraction not because they have some gift that other women don't have. It's simply that Naturals don't let their fears and issues affect their behavior with men. The past doesn't stand in the way of their ability to create a fun, exciting, magnetic, and interesting environment with a man.
So let me give you the characteristics of "Naturals": * They keep their earlier interactions with men short and fun.