* Start Important Interactions By First Expressing Start Important Interactions By First Expressing The Feelings You Want Him To Return The Feelings You Want Him To Return ::: 89 :::.
There's an important idea I think about a lot, especially when I'm involved in any kind of emotionally heated or charged situation. And it's something that I've watched women who are naturally successful and have an easy time in any situation with a man. I call these women "Naturals."
Remember the old saying, "You catch more flies with honey"? Unfortunately, lots of people don't see how this idea can work for them, especially women. I can't tell you how many times I hear women talking about their feelings say one thing, but mean another. They talk about their "actual intentions", but what they REALLY WANT from the man is something totally unrelated.
In fact, most women (and men) have no idea what they want when they're talking about their feelings and emotions.
They just know that they feel something and don't know whether they want the pain to go away or the pleasure to continue.
What happens when a woman communicates about her feelings and what she wants with a man without considering how the man will perceive things differently than how she sees it?
Well, the ONLY thing that is clearly visible to a man in this situation is the woman's emotional tone-that she's frustrated, angry, sad, disappointed, etc. So the emotional tone the woman dictates (most of the time unintentionally) takes the conversation to a place that inevitably leads to frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, etc-all the things that the woman's emotional tone dictates.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out that women generally don't get too far in getting what they want with men when they pass along negative emotional tones in their conversations.
Ever begin an important talk with a man, or accidentally lead yourself into it, by talking about something negative that is bothering you?
What tone did it set? And what was the guy's response?
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Try setting the right emotional tone first.
* Seek To Understand Before Seeking To Be Seek To Understand Before Seeking To Be Understood Understood I've got a friend who's very successful in business. He's the kind of guy to whom people are magnetically drawn. And I've learned that a big piece of what draws people to him is that he's ALWAYS thinking about the other person's thoughts, feelings, and concerns in any given situation-not his personal agenda. So when he goes into a meeting, has lunch with anyone, gets on the phone, etc. he immediately goes into "Understanding Mode" where all he wants to do is get a feel for what the other person is thinking and feeling.
When I first watched him do this, I thought it was a little over-done. He'd consistently ask questions and then repeat back to the person later what they told him earlier. (I later learned this last part was a huge piece of the process.) But then I watched the results... After doing this with those around him, EVERYONE wanted to understand him. So in turn, these people extended their generosity to him in his personal AND professional life.
So I decided to try it in my own life and guess what? It totally worked and it continues to serve me in every area of my life. Imagine that!
If you can learn to think about what other people want and give it to them instead of giving them what you think they want, you'll instantly become a magically attractive person to be around-in all areas of your life.
Creating and keeping attraction and a connection with a man doesn't come from your "Selfish Love." It comes from the behavior, emotions, and communication that trigger positive feelings and reactions for HIM. So the sooner you can shift your perspective to this "out of self" thinking, the sooner everything will become easier for you with a man. You have to stop using YOUR logic when it comes to dealing with men.
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Let me give you an example of "Selfish Love": Imagine a guy you were dating told you he wanted to take you away for "the perfect weekend." You might be intrigued and excited as you think about all the adventures and romantic things you'll do together and the close connection you'll build sharing your feelings with each other. You can't wait. Then the weekend rolls around and the guy has planned for you to do all kinds of "guy" stuff like sitting on the couch, watching football on TV, drinking beer, eating fast food, and watching porn.
Would that sound great to you? Would it trigger attraction for you and make you think, "Hey, this is someone I could settle down with. They really understand me"?
Yeah, this might sound like a ridiculous example to you, but it's extreme to make a point. The reality is that it's a lot like the "Selfish Love" lots of women try to give to men.
Think about it... When women make the effort to do things like cooking, shopping, sharing feelings, and nurturing a man, they're doing wonderful and generous things. But it doesn't mean that the man will become more interested or attracted to her because in reality the things she's doing are probably things she'd want somebody to do for her.
* Be Flexible Be Flexible Most of the time, men just want to feel understood and appreciated, just as women do. If you can let a man know that you've taken the time to see things from his perspective, even just a little bit, it will have a big impact. He'll see you as easier to be with, and perhaps the woman with whom he wants to share more of his life. And this brings more trust and intimacy.
Of course you don't have to give up your take on things, even if they contradict what the man might be seeing or feeling. But there's the added benefit that you might learn something about the man and how he's experiencing things that you might not have seen if you didn't put yourself in his shoes.
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What often happens is that a woman idealizes how things should be and how she should feel with a man. And while these ideals have value, they aren't always realistic. So when a woman allows herself and her life to be more flexible, she'll start to make changes and choices. These unexpected choices and changes can lead a man to feel a strong level of attraction and a sense of comfort and trust toward her.
* Talk "Tough" But Practice Understanding Talk "Tough" But Practice Understanding Some women use their emotions and their side of the story to get what they want with a man. And when push comes to shove, some women will bully a man into doing something- Some women use their emotions and their side of the story to get what they want with a man. And when push comes to shove, some women will bully a man into doing something- whether it's telling a man to be more affectionate, to spend more time together, or to generally not act like a jack-ass.
If you do this in a way that says to a man, "it's all about how it affects you", the man will eventually resent you. You've got to learn to communicate in a way that says to a man, "I see both sides of this story, and here's what I want-what about you?"
This way you'll come off as assertive, but not controlling and over-bearing. A man will feel as if he's making the decision for himself-which is a much more powerful way to influence someone. Using this approach will greatly improve your relationship with a man-and your life.
A good way to start is to always remember that there will be a time to express your feelings. You don't need to express all your thoughts, feelings, and ideas about a topic on the spot, especially if you're feeling really emotional. Wait and do it when the time is right. Don't be in a hurry when you're in tough situations with a man-patience will help get what you want.
So we have covered the short list of emotional habits or "beliefs." In the real world, if you demonstrate these things to a man in a positive emotional tone, you will see an amazing effect in your relationship.
It's important for a woman to do these things without ::: 93 :::.
compromising herself by creating an unhealthy balance with a man where she caters to anything a man wants and becomes a pushover.
Some women have too much of the "door-mat" thing.
Unfortunately, they get walked on by men who are more like bulls in a china shop.
If you're assertive without being too pushy, you'll become an amazing and irresistible woman in a man's mind. And what you receive from a man will be his understanding and his willingness to compromise, especially when you have conflicting perspectives.
After years and years of watching all the strategies women take with men, it's the short, assertive, calm approach that make the largest impact on a man when you're trying to move things forward and deal with his issues about growing closer.
But most women can't help their feelings in these situations. They're often frustrated with the way the man is or isn't communicating about what's going on with him, so they try to fill the void by letting the man know everything she wants from him as though her love and desire can fill the gap and the guy will be able to listen and take on her feelings as his own.
If you create a scenario in your mind about commitment, and tell this to a guy in the beginning of your relationship, you'll create more distance between the two of you. There's a huge difference between fulfilling your own desires and demanding from someone that they are responsible for giving you what you want.
If you make a man feel like you're TELLING him or that you're very needy about the future, a man's "stay single"
response will be triggered. If a man feels that his life would be better, and maybe easier, if he stayed single or just dated casually-what do you think he would do?
You'll get a whole lot back from a man, and you won't ::: 94 :::.
have to give much at all. And what does it really "cost" you anyways?
Taking Emotional Ownership There's one choice you can make that will change your life for the better. No one does anything TO you - YOU do it to yourself. It's your choice to give emotional meaning and significance to another person's actions, and it's your choice to decide how you want to respond.
The ability to choose a better emotional state for yourself is what I call "Emotional Ownership." And when you achieve ownership, you will also be able to help others in their emotional state.
My friend Sara is a perfect example of someone with emotional ownership. Several years ago, Sara told me about the time she was able to resolve an issue that was causing conflict in her relationship with her boyfriend. Her technique of resolving her boyfriend's emotional issues about commitment utterly amazed me: "If my boyfriend is emotionally having a hard time with anything in our relationship, or personally, I take responsibility in helping him get it taken care of. I don't resist him or make anything more difficult, because I know that in the long run it's in the best interest of our relationship.
I can't tell you how awestruck I was when I heard what she said. I'd never heard a woman talk so directly about how she approached issues that affected how she got along with a man. I've never heard of anyone (a man or a woman) taking complete responsibility and ownership for the entire emotional experience the other person is having in a relationship.
There's something lots of the different martial arts disciplines promote-you can use the strength, force, and energy exerted by the other person to your own benefit. When men and women argue or have other intense emotional interactions, what often happens is that the man will automatically oppose the woman's stance. And women often do the same with men.
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The better strategy is to go WITH the person, especially if there is some big issue at stake. But the key here is that you have to be in a mental and emotional place where you're comfortable doing this-you have to have emotional ownership for what you're saying, feeling, and doing.
To go WITH a man in this way, here are some ideas: * Agree with the man's argument. Agree with the man's argument. A man becomes attached to his negative feelings when he's irritated, upset, or having a tough time with something. So he closes off his mind to other ways of seeing things. You can't talk him out of them and when you try, you're telling him that his feelings are wrong. This makes a man close his mind off even further. So agree with him. "Yes, there's not much of a future for us." When you don't defend yourself, the man will start opening up and do it for you. A man becomes attached to his negative feelings when he's irritated, upset, or having a tough time with something. So he closes off his mind to other ways of seeing things. You can't talk him out of them and when you try, you're telling him that his feelings are wrong. This makes a man close his mind off even further. So agree with him. "Yes, there's not much of a future for us." When you don't defend yourself, the man will start opening up and do it for you.
* Don't whine, pressure, or complain Don't whine, pressure, or complain. Find a way to be personally happy with the way things are and let the man be right with anything that he says is wrong. It's not that he IS right; it's that you can re-frame what he does with it.
* Be a little bit less available with your time and Be a little bit less available with your time and emotions emotions if a man is being difficult emotionally or won't own up to his end of an issue. Give him the gift of missing you. if a man is being difficult emotionally or won't own up to his end of an issue. Give him the gift of missing you.
All these ideas use the martial arts technique of taking the energy that's coming at you and deflecting it from affecting you. And if things are especially difficult, just have short and simple interactions. Be happy, succinct, and talk about things other than the issue that's looming.
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Part 3:
Actions Speak Louder Than Words- So What Are You Saying?
From everything I've seen and learned, it's much better for the man to pursue the woman than for the woman to pursue the man. Of course you can't always choose who you like and whether they'll pursue you, but actively chasing a man is like a salmon trying to swim upstream. You struggle and struggle to get to your destination but when you arrive, the odds are that you won't even survive or get to stay around to enjoy the view.
Maybe that sounds negative to you and you're an optimist who thinks you can make any situation work if you put your mind to it. That's a great attitude. And yes, it can work if you want to pursue a man and win him over.
But here's the thing...
You can still approach men if they don't approach you, but you've got to make sure you don't send out a message that says, "I'm going to chase you because I desperately want you." So if you do approach men, make use of the things discussed later in this chapter that will work to your advantage in meeting, attracting, and creating relationships with good men. That way you'll get to work with the "system" that has evolved in nature over millions of years. You'll get the advantages and the momentum that's built into our courtship interactions on your side. This way you'll be playing into the hidden secrets and psychology of men instead of working ::: 97 :::.
against the man's thinking. Many women try to attract men and hold onto a relationship without success because they don't know how to use the man's "system" to their advantage.
It's your choice and your behavior. You can swim with the current and enjoy the experience, or you can fight the flow and go against the elements around you. In other words, you can use the natural path of least resistance so that you don't have to guess what's going on with men around you and avoid suffering the pain and loss lots of women experience with men.
In this section I'll talk about the behavioral aspects and the specifics of how to "swim with the current" to be successful. Knowing how to do this will start the relationship off on the right note. But a word of caution: You can only do this once you have an understanding of the underlying psychology behind "all things behavioral." I discussed this earlier in Part 1 of the book.
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Chapter 8. How to Attract Men.
Attraction: What's The Big Deal?
Everyday I receive a flood of questions in my email from women asking for advice about their dating situations. What they write is VERY revealing. Some of the emails ask a list of questions that are more than three pages long. Here a common kind of question.
"Hey Christian, I like this guy but there's a problem... I said this, and then he said that, (paraphrasing) so I didn't know what to do. What should I do next? I emailed him later, but he didn't call for several days, and then I called him and he still acted interested but he wouldn't make much time to get together and now he's not as into things as he used to be."
And at the end of almost every email, there's always one of those types of "quick fix" questions: * "How do I get him interested in me?"
* "How do I get him back?
* "How can I get him to act the way he used to?"
* "What does it mean when a guy is acting this way?"
* "What do I do next when he's acting this way?"
I won't share the other stuff I get by email. They're not really for public consumption.
So while these are good questions that I'd like to answer, the reality is that there's no way I can address every specific situation under the sun and know all the nuances. But I do know what does and what doesn't work in most situations.
So when I'm reading one of these emails, I can INSTANTLY tell if the woman has an understanding of attraction, why it's important, and what to do about it. But ::: 99 :::.
when you're asking questions about how to behave or what to say exactly, you're usually looking for an external answer that really is an internal issue.
Of course we all want the "magic" thing to do or say that will make someone fall for us, love us, and take care of us. But you can't just say something and not understand what's going on "behind the scenes" of the psychology. You've got to have the right state of mind for the behavioral "stuff" to work for you.
Why am I telling you this?
Because it's a common thing that lots of women do. They obsess over the details of a man's behavior and think there's some perfect or magic way to change things into what they want them to be by saying something to the guy or asking him the right questions.
Now I don't want to claim that women are not having tough times with guys, but I can honestly say that I know the details aren't that important. I've watched the things that work with men play out again and again so I know they work with 95% of men (excluding the creeps, psychos and men who do all their thinking below the waist), regardless of the details.
Keep It Simple So here's the deal with all the "What do I do when he does this?" questions that I mentioned before: Stop worrying about doing the perfect thing in each situation and try to do a simple thing correctly-and have fun doing it.
I know it sounds too simple, but if you're doing a few of the "right" things now and then and making a man feel attraction for you, then the little details and specifics about men and their behavior are just DISTRACTIONS. And the distractions are often what confuse you and make you behave in counterproductive ways-such as acting needy for fear that things won't work out. Or not giving yourself space and time to enjoy your own life when a guy hasn't called you back in a few days.
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It's hard for most women to believe, but what works with men is less complex than what our ever-rationalizing brain wants to make it. Your mind is always looking for patterns and reasons to explain everything around it, why each word was said and whether some action means something more profound.
It goes against our common sense, but simple is better, especially when thinking how to interact with men. In fact, there's a fascinating scientific maxim called the KISS Principle that basically says that the more simple the solution or answer is, the better it is.
Enough on that...
The point is that if you do what works with men, make great impressions, and avoid the big mistakes, you'll start having the experiences or relationships that you're looking for.
You'll also STOP WORRYING about all the little things a man might be doing. So take simple steps, and you'll find there's a beauty to it.
What if you went up to a very attractive guy and just did one good thing to start a conversation? Pretty simple, right?
Then what if the next time you see that guy or another man you're interested in you do one simple thing to trade phone numbers? That's relatively easy and straightforward, right?
Then you try something fun to setup a date. Then you start being a little bit more flirtatious. Then you challenge him.
The thing is, if you break things down into simple steps and don't jump ahead of yourself, everything is pretty easy.