There's an important truth I want to share: No single person can EVER give you exactly what you want emotionally. Humans are too complex to have their emotional needs met by one person.
So when a woman has the belief that a man can and should give her exactly what she wants, she becomes mentally and emotionally dependent on a man by expecting him to meet all of her emotional needs and expectations-this is a sure-fire way to end up feeling lousy. And it can lead you to having needy negative displays of emotions that can make things worse.
I call this whole process "Relationship Debt." It's something that can start immediately when a man and a woman meet.
Here's a story about a girl named Lisa: Lisa's been thinking about all the things she wants to have in her relationship. She's created a picture in her head of what her life with a man would be like.
She's developed a sense of trust with her boyfriend. She feels that they are deeply committed to each other through the special connection they share. Since she's been dating him for six months, she's decided it's time for their relationship to go to "the next level." And because she's so confident in the relationship, she's developed attachments to more long-term plans she has in her mind.
In her mind, it's time for things to progress-so Lisa talks to her friends about him and wonders why he hasn't talked about the obvious progression together.
And everyone's asking: * When will the relationship progress?
* When are you guys moving in together?
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* When is he going to figure it out and settle down with you?
The friends are asking, the families are asking, and everybody is asking.
And it's starting to frustrate her-a lot.
Then she does what drives men crazy. What makes men want to run from a relationship.
She calls in her "Relationship Debt."
It happens as Lisa starts thinking...
* Maybe he doesn't feel the way I do?
* Why is he avoiding the subject of our relationship?
* Is he like the other guys I've dated who are afraid of commitment?
* Is he doing the same thing that my friend's boyfriend did?
* Will he freak out or get mad when I bring this up?
So Lisa decides to have "the talk" with her boyfriend.
She unleashes all her pent-up thoughts, expectations, and frustrations on her boyfriend. She begins to tell him all the things she feels she deserves from him and their relationship- she wants him to own up to his emotional debt.
It's an emotional tidal wave when she releases all that energy.
And guess what her boyfriend does?
Like most men, he's not very good at handling intense emotional situations. And being clueless, he has NO IDEA ::: 81 :::.
where all this intense negative energy is coming from. He can't think of ANYTHING he's done to warrant such intense emotional "drama."
So he reacts to Lisa with his own frustration and anger and storms off to leave the scene of the fight, having been unable to deal with all the things being thrown at him all at once.
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Chapter 7.
The Emotional Gap: How Men and Women Are Different and What to Do About It Mismatches & the Emotional Bridge After spending the last ten years or so studying psychology and behavior, I've come to the opinion that MOST After spending the last ten years or so studying psychology and behavior, I've come to the opinion that MOST of our desires, drives, preferences, strengths, weaknesses, behaviors, and personality traits are determined partly by our DNA and partly by our social conditioning.
Even differences like whether a person is adventurous or calm is largely a matter of programming from birth (If you really disagree with me on this topic, read some books on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator like The Art of Speed Reading People by Barbara Barron-Tieger and Paul Tieger.) All the personality type and psychology stuff boils down to one key idea in my mind... that people have a natural set preferences or things that ENERGIZE them. And on the flip-side, they also have things that they don't like and that "de-energize" them. It's fascinating to think about how this concept applies to dating, relationships, and love.
Have you ever read the personals? Maybe you've noticed how many women say things like "princess looking for prince", "friends first", and "looking for my soul-mate." And have you ever noticed how almost NO men ever say these things?
What's going on?
Have you ever listened to a group of women talking about men? Ever notice how they speak largely in some kind of code language that men usually tune out because they just don't get that kind of female language? To men, women are constantly making a big deal out of tiny details that seem totally irrelevant.
Have you ever noticed, on the other hand, how men have no interest in discussing personal details and people?
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What's going on?
Here's my take on this whole subject: Men are playing out a role that hasn't changed for thousands of years.
There are many parts of the human brains that create drives and desires for different things. Often, these drives conflict with each other.
For instance, a man might want a strong independent woman in his life, but he might also want to be needed and depended on by a woman. He might want to have attention, but he might also want to be seen as above needing it.
(Women have these types of conflicts as well, but usually in different areas than men.) So, for example, I hear a lot of women saying things like, "I hate the confusing situations men create with women. Why don't they just decide if they want a woman who's assertive and independent, or if they want one who's passive and dependent?
My answer: Both situations satisfy important social and emotional needs for men-as weird and paradoxical as that might sound. Independent women make men feel like they're not tied down-they make men feel free. Women who need or want a man's help and support tend to make men feel powerful.
These "roles" send emotions through the man's body (emotions can be highly addictive chemicals). These emotions are often a way to feel self-righteous, to make things fun, to create interesting, to prevent boredom, to give things meaning... and on and on. There are a lot of good reasons for men to want both independent and needy women. But most women can't understand because most women DON'T have these needs.
It's like men saying, "I hate it when all a girl can talk about is fashion." What needs do fashion fulfill for women?
Fashion fulfills women's need for social "organization", fantasy, artistic expression, and ornamentation... all more typical female ::: 84 :::.
stuff that you don't normally associate with the stereotypical male. Incidentally, this fashion stuff fulfills needs that most men just plain don't have.
There's a concept I call the "Emotional Bridge" that men and women experience with each other because of these differences. And it can make dealing with men feel like pulling teeth when it comes to communicating and building emotional connections to "bridge" these differences.
The Emotional Bridge is basically a mental roadblock that can be undone by changing a few simple things about how you approach your love life.
I'll explain it like this... Do you know anyone that has an amazing life, but they never seemed to feel very happy or fulfilled, no matter how good things got? I think everybody knows someone like this.
And you probably also know some women who are unfulfilled this way with men and relationships. These women are always dissatisfied with what they have or where they are, so they always push and pull for more.
Maybe you've even experienced this yourself.
What's really happening here and what can you do about it?
For lots of women it's pretty straightforward: They can't ever get to a more fulfilling place with the man in their life or even on a personal level because they're CONSTANTLY comparing what's happening right now and how the man is behaving with the ideal situation they've created in their mind.
The act of comparing reality and subsequently seeing how far away it is from the ideal is what ultimately drains and frustrates women. What's created is an emotional "gap"
between the woman's ideals and the man's ideals.
But guess what... Ideals and reality don't have much in common. And a man's ideals are different than a woman's ideals.
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So what if a man's ideals really ARE different from yours?
What would you do? Just thinking about this idea can radically change and improve the way you approach situations with men.
At this point it might sound contradictory, but I want to point out that there's a TON of value locked up in your ideals.
Creating an ideal situation with a man in your mind is a common and relatively natural thing for a woman to do. In fact, it can be healthy; it can motivate and inspire you.
But when you compare your ideals to your relationship and your life, it's often impossible to be happy about what you see. It's like trying to live a fantasy.
It's worth pointing out that men do the same thing. Some guys always seem to be in search of the bigger better deal, even if they have a great woman. It's like they think that they'll find a supermodel to love them unconditionally but ask nothing of them in return. This ideal for men that there's a woman like this out there for them is NOTHING BUT a fantasy.
This type of woman does not exist in the real world, but lots of guys unconsciously chase this fantasy woman and situation in their life.
Don't be the female version of that guy.
Setting Yourself Apart From Other Women If you want to develop a magnetic personality that draws men to you for all the right reasons, then you need to start processing a few important ideas in your mind that will ultimately connect you to the right emotions and emotional states. If you want to develop a magnetic personality that draws men to you for all the right reasons, then you need to start processing a few important ideas in your mind that will ultimately connect you to the right emotions and emotional states.
Here's how and why...
What kind of woman makes a man want to do romantic and adventurous things and stay connected and close with her?
Good question.
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If I had to boil it down to one thing, it would be this... The single thing that attracts men for the long-term is a woman who's in control of her own self in any situation. In other words, she's self-aware and observes her own emotions, communication, and behavior.
So the way I see it, the underpinnings of your personal success or failure with attracting men and creating great environments for long-term relationships rests on two related areas: 1. Your Emotional State This includes your attitude, how you talk to yourself, your self-image, your confidence level, and your personality.) 2. Your External Behavior & Communication This is everything you say and do with a man. This is everything you say and do with a man.
And believe it or not, a lot of determines your emotional state.
What I'm getting at is that there's a process of self-awareness and adjustment around the deeper stuff that includes your own psychology, beliefs, emotions, self-image, etc. that needs to take place before you can take your behavior and communication with men to where it has the effect you want with a man.
For starters, you already now know how powerful and contagious your emotions can be and how they can affect other people. For example, when you're excited, men close to you will also become more energetic and excited.
And when you're down, men are generally pulled down with you and begin to match and mirror your emotional tone- or they distance themselves and withdraw.
Setting positive emotional tones is the easy and obvious way of creating a positive mood. You already know how these ::: 87 :::.
things work and see it everyday-so I'm not telling you anything you don't already know about here. But you probably want a whole lot more in your love life, right?
Good. Here's where to start then. Think for a minute about yourself and about how men in the past have become energized, attracted, and connected to you. What did you think and do to make this happen?
I bet you'll remember some interesting things you did and said, and I bet that you can do those things again. Take your own personal ideas and "style" from what you remember about yourself and look at some of the ones I've come up with listed below.
I've found a few important constant emotional habits or beliefs that successful and fulfilled people have. And the women who've applied these concepts to men and dating have benefited because it eliminates TONS of conflicting issues that women encounter with men.
Here's a short list of positive emotional habits.
* Set a positive emotional tone and keep it.
* Start important interaction by first expressing the feelings you want him to return.
* Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.
* Be flexible.
* Talk "tough" but practice understanding.
Below is an explanation of these beliefs. I put them in a situational context to show you how they work in the real world and how you can benefit from them.
* Set A Positive Emotional Tone And Keep It Set A Positive Emotional Tone And Keep It Have you ever sat and watched people talking, say at a restaurant? If you watch for a few seconds or minutes, you can usually tell that there's one person who's leading or dictating Have you ever sat and watched people talking, say at a restaurant? If you watch for a few seconds or minutes, you can usually tell that there's one person who's leading or dictating ::: 88 :::.
the context and emotional tone of the conversation, and one person who's following it.
Big hint... The person who's laughing more (especially nervous laughter) and shaking "Yes" with their head up and down is usually going along with the other person's emotional tone. The person who laughs less, doesn't give as many body language "cues", and fidgets less is usually the person who is leading leading the tone of the conversation. the tone of the conversation.
This is fascinating when you apply it to men and women.
Women who set or dictate a positive emotional tone with a man do something VERY powerful. They demonstrate a certain type of dominance and control at a deep level. When a woman's tone is consistently positive, even in tough situations, it exudes confidence, which makes her very attractive to men.
The woman becomes someone who creates an atmosphere to which he's naturally drawn. A woman who does this steers a man's emotional state in a positive direction, and a man that gets this consistently will become attracted to the woman at a deep unconscious level.
And you can take it a step farther... If you help a man have a positive experience in a situation that he would normally expect to be negative, you will become a rare, unique, and valuable person to him. In his mind, he will instantly see you as someone who understands him better than most women or most people in the world.
Be ready for a man to become unusually open, honest, and sensitive when this happens. At this point, it's good to start talking about positive things that you share as a means to reinforce his openness, his emotional awareness, and his heightened sensitivity.
After a little bit of this, you'll have a guy on your hands who will want to get to know everything about you and your own emotions-and help make them a reality.