So what happened as I was walking down the hallway?
What happened was brilliantly simple, but universally powerful. Someone I'd never met walked by me and gave me a gigantic smile that was so full of joy and life that it instantly made me smile. The stranger's smile lifted my spirits-it was contagious. I gave a big smile to a girl that walked by me, and my smile lit up her face. I ran to catch the bus, smiling all the way and getting smiles and sharing positive conversations with strangers.
I've always remembered how my entire perspective changed the moment that friendly stranger smiled at me. It reminded me that the world is more than what happens to you. Emotions are contagious. You can have a HUGE impact on everything around you, so it's your choice to spread what you want to have around you.
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Several studies have been done on how emotions and how moods can transfer from person to person. What's amazing is that emotions or moods will most often transfer from the person who is somehow more intense or forceful than the person who's more passive. And the closer the two people are to each other, then the quicker the transfer process is and the more similar their moods become.
Here's a few common ways that you can use contagious emotions and improve situations with men.
* Stay calm and controlled if you're talking about important or intense issues with a man. If you can find a way to relax and be assertive, then the man will open up more and feel the same.
* If you're out with a man and something embarrassing or irritating happens, find a way to laugh at it-in other words, find the humor in the situation.
* Ask a man to tell you a funny or gross story to make him feel that he's creating a fun and positive emotional mood.
* If a man says something hurtful to you, don't lash back at him. Instead, give yourself some space from him and let him know that you won't go there with him. If you stay calm and positive, the man will realize that he's being an idiot and a jerk.
Internal States Let's do some important work to address the idea of your "states." By "state" I mean the feeling that you have in your body.
Can you remember a time when you felt happy and excited?
Can you remember a time when you felt powerful and energetic?
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If you can, then you can HAVE THESE FEELINGS ANY TIME YOU WANT THEM. Most people don't use their memories to help them feel good because they say "Well, that's not really how I'm feeling, I'm just imagining it." Well, I have news for you: You're ALWAYS just imagining it. You might as well imagine it at times when you need it instead of having it happen accidentally!
Here's how to do this: Write down three positive states that you'd like to be able to put yourself into anytime you'd like. Then write down three instances in your life when you felt each of those states.
Finally, close your eyes and imagine yourself in each of the three situations that made you feel the state that you want and do SOMETHING UNIQUE with your body as you're remembering.
For instance, if you'd like to feel powerful and confident, recall an event that made you feel this way. As you're remembering the situation, breathe out quickly while puckering your lips. If you follow this process, you'll have the states that you want. It's like having a push button for feeling good on your body.
Next, you have to practice putting yourself into your three powerful states when you're in various environments. So go to different places and practice getting yourself into your states with distractions, etc. This might take some doing, but once you have it mastered, you'll be able to get yourself into a positive state when you're not feeling it to begin with (Could this be useful when you're feeling upset, afraid, unhappy or frustrated? Maybe...) I've kept a personal journal of everything that I was learning and doing, so I could reflect on it, which has proved helpful to me. You also might want to try keeping a journal if you haven't already.
A Story about Vicki There's a woman named Vicki. Every time I go out with Vicki terrible things seem to happen to her. People say and do ::: 71 :::.
things to her that ruins her day and she can't believe it. The friends and people closest to her create drama and are constantly making things more difficult than they should be for Vicki.
Vicki LOVES to talk about all these bad things that her boss, her parents, her friends, strangers, and the world are doing to her. And there's something you should know about Vicki that she would HATE if I told you...
Vicki secretly gets satisfaction from the feeling that she has it "tougher" than everyone else. She finds comfort in knowing that everyone else is screwed up and wrong. It makes her life easier. And when people don't do or say what Vicki expects them to do or say, it ruins her mood.
Somehow Vicki's never wrong or ever at fault. And the rest of the world's problems, issues, and the way they talk to her are the reason for her frustrations and disappointments.
Maybe you've met Vicki?
Well, you have because everyone knows "Vicki." Vicki's name is short for "Victim", and we all know her. Everyone has a Vicki in their life. It could even be you...
And guess what? It's easy to be "Vicki" sometimes.
So why does Vicki find excuses for her life and blame others for what happens? And why is Vicki important to you?
Because acting like "Vicki" releases you from being responsible for your actions and from having to deal with the unpleasant things that happen around you. Yep, it places the fault and responsibility for what's wrong on other people. You'll never get far with any of your close personal relationships with the Vicki attitude-especially with a man.
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Chapter 6. The.
Biggest Mistakes Women Make With Their Emotions Emotional "Display Rules"
There's a kind of secret compliment that I've heard men give to certain women when they're talking with other guys, and I've finally figured out what it means. This is a kind of "guy code" - an unspoken, but universally understood male slang word.
Men will refer to some women they know as a "cool girl"
or a "cool woman."
Ever heard a guy say this? It sounds simple and vacuous at first, but when men say this about a woman, they're talking about something specific and interesting.
So what does this guy code of a "cool girl" actually mean?
It means that the woman "gets" certain social and emotional dynamics that resonate deeply with men.
And more importantly, there's a subtle implication that the man likes to spend time with the woman. That being around her is all about having good experiences and sharing fun, positive energy. Note that it's not about any sharing negative things that men unfortunately associate with other women they may know.
Yeah, that's right... Some men, although they don't realize it, actually associate most women with the same behavior and ::: 73 :::.
experiences with women that they don't like or with whom they have had bad experiences.
Kind of sad, huh? But it happens. Ever been talking about something you feel strongly or get kind of "emotional"
about and the guy you were talking to either shut down, seemed irritated, or started in on you for some unknown reason? This reaction was probably because the man was associating you with a woman or an experience from his past.
After watching the way some of the "cool girls" behave, I've seen a few things they all do and don't do.
Let's start with the "Do's" : * Cool girls bring funny positive thoughts and feelings to situations.
* Cool girls don't have to control too much of the situation around them for their own comfort. They're willing to go with the flow, but make assertions when they have opinions and ideas.
* Cool girls have options and things to do that keeps them satisfied so they don't feel like they're left out if they're not invited to something.
* Cool girls don't try and make a man do something if he says he doesn't want to do it; they'd prefer that the man to make up his own mind.
* When cool girls need help, they find simple, non-controlling ways to ask. Cool girls know that getting or asking for help and communicating about it in a positive way means keeping their own emotions in check.
* Cool girls can handle almost any social situation that comes up. They don't get emotionally rattled by people, places, and situations.
* Cool girls don't require or ask too much from a man at any one time. They know there's always tomorrow.
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* Cool girls don't need a man to validate their emotions and ideas.
* Cool girls aren't afraid to be completely honest.
* Cool girls know that the way they feel and talk about themselves is how men will feel about them.
And here's a couple of "Don'ts": * Don't complain much or talk about things that are impossible for anyone to solve given the current situation.
* Don't ignore your feelings when you're really affected or bothered by something. Men have a sense of intuition too, so don't lie about your feelings. Take the time to observe your feelings and be patient with how you express them.
* Don't say everything that you're feeling and experiencing. Think before you speak.
* Don't mention bad situations, issues, or problems from the past unless it's a total "must" or extremely important and you haven't been able to talk about it yet. Otherwise, live in the present.
* Don't try to force or convince a man to talk about his feelings. He'll think you're being needy.
It's important to mention that the goal isn't to keep you from denying your feelings. It's critical for you to acknowledge and respect those feelings. But the goal is to bring you to a place where you can begin to observe how you're feeling so that you can make conscious decisions using BOTH your emotions and intellect. The goal is to use your new emotional and intellectual wisdom before you act in certain situations.
Emotional Potential There's an "alter ego" we all have that has taken over at ::: 75 :::.
some point in our lives. Think about the last time you were really upset or angry. Or back when you were a kid. Do you remember being so upset that your body was moving and the words were coming out of your mouth so quickly that it felt as if you were on autopilot?
We've all got that survival instinct in us. But it's not something we really need or want in our everyday lives. We're not out in the wild where we need to be prepared to respond at a moment's notice without thinking.
For men, their emotions don't always connect their heart to their body. There was a purpose to this emotional detachment hundreds and thousands of years ago. Fighting, hunting, mating, and other forms of competition made the ability to detach emotionally an advantage for men.
For women, their basic genetic programming is different.
They're more inclined to attach to people and things emotionally. As a result, women are often more selective with men than men are with women. But once a woman does find a man, she is prone to have a deeper level of emotional attachment.
No one's "right" in nature, just different. But some women emotions can start to tell them that a man is wrong for being emotionally detached. Women believe that men are wrong in acting this way. But what they don't understand is that emotional detachment is often not a conscious choice for men.
Because men and women have different ways of emotionally connecting with each other, painful differences often show up when different expectations exist or it comes time to talk about a more serious relationship. This contrast or difference can be the source of a whole range of emotional frustrations that women have experienced with men.
There's a concept around this idea that I call a man's "Emotional Potential." I think that each man has a different measure of where he falls in his potential to enter a committed and emotionally connected relationship. Some men are born with more natural emotional potential than other men.
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Women, in general, have a very high emotional potential toward men. The personal and emotional interactions they experience help to quickly "attach" to a man.
Men, comparatively, have very low emotional potential.
Personal interactions don't do as much to feel attached to a woman.
A man's emotional potential with a woman is based on the speed and depth of his ability to attach emotionally and bond with a woman. So there are a few ways for a woman to help a man realize his emotional potential. But be forewarned: it's not usually quick and easy-going, and some men can't be helped if they're too closed off.
Here are a few good ways to go about it...
* Keep talking about other couples and how they Keep talking about other couples and how they are emotionally "close" and how they do things are emotionally "close" and how they do things together together. But do it in a subtle way. Most men are much better at learning from other couples than they are from trying new things that they can't see or piece together in their head.
* Share with a man the way you see things in a Share with a man the way you see things in a pressure-free way pressure-free way. If you tell a man something that he did that you like, then talk about the way it made you feel and explain how it makes you feel closer to him... so he'll start to get it.
* Point out, without criticizing too much or getting Point out, without criticizing too much or getting too negative, how other couples and other men too negative, how other couples and other men live detached and lonely lives because they live detached and lonely lives because they don't let other people in emotionally don't let other people in emotionally. Stories and movies are the most powerful way to communicate this point. Go to a movie that demonstrate these concepts and ask him what he thinks and feels. Get him thinking about it for himself so he can improve his own life.
Forcing Your Feelings on a Man ::: 77 :::.
Here's an emotional death-spiral I've watched some women fall into with men...
Some women just don't look for or plainly ignore the signs when a man has extremely low emotional potential. These signs usually indicate that he isn't capable of experiencing much emotional attachment and intimacy.
Instead, women start by trying to convince a man that he should have the same emotional feelings that she has. Women often say that it's normal to have feelings of emotional involvement. So when things don't work this way for a man, women start making excuses for the man's emotional shortcomings and try to make up for the difference by draining their own emotional resources.
In this situation, a woman is assuming that she can fix a man emotionally or at least can compensate for what he's lacking with what they have. But inevitably women are left feeling empty, cheated, and unappreciated.
If you know anything about men, you know that they don't like to be pushed in any direction, especially when it comes to their emotions. They can be really stubborn. Just talking about emotions is enough with some men, but trying to get them to change is kind of like performing brain surgery with salad forks; you're just not going to get the job done.
The best thing for a woman to do is to cater her approach with a man to his specific emotional potential... Or decide not to get involved with him in the first place since he's emotionally inept in other words, a dry well.
Relationship Debt Have you ever felt like a man would be there for you, and when he wasn't it really hurt your feelings?
Or have you ever been let down or heartbroken when the guy you were dating suddenly wanted to end the relationship, even though everything seemed like it was going great?
I mean, when you're dating or are involved early on in a ::: 78 :::.
relationship, isn't there an implied responsibility of being there for each other? You're supposed to take care of the people you get involved with-right?
Well, the bad news is that some men just don't see things this way, and it creates a big rift between what men and women expect from each other when dating.
Emotionally, lots of women instantly feel that a man owes them something because they're together even if the issue of commitment has never been discussed.
These "unspoken situations" with men are extremely common and difficult positions women find themselves in with men. And yeah, I get that some men are tough nuts to crack and women don't want to rock the boat by trying to have "the talk" or inquire about what's going on inside the guys' heart and head. This seems like the last thing to do with a man, especially if things are pretty new and the guy is not too emotionally open by nature.
But there's something that tons of women do that makes this situation worse for themselves. They have an ideal in their mind and constantly compare what's going on to that ideal. As a result, a woman will never feel like things are good enough because she'll never get EXACTLY her ideal situation and what she's secretly expecting from a man.
The odds of ANY MAN living up to those ideals in a short or medium amount of time are slim to none-men just don't move that fast with love and commitment. Only a few lucky women have had this happen-one in a million. And if your married girlfriends tell you differently, then they're lying to you or they've conveniently forgot all about the bumps along the road when their own relationship wasn't exactly how they wanted it.
So the disappointment that women have from not getting what they want and often expect affects their entire attitude with a man. In this situation, some women become emotionally dependent on a man because they're waiting for him to give them what they think they want.
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