The gruelling days of summer began.
When I finished practicing the piano, I took a shower and would collapse onto the bed to sleep.
There were times though when I dreamt of Naomi. She had on the prosthetic leg that her father had talked of, and she was running. Tetsuya and I would chase after her, but she would run at a speed that made it hard for us to catch up to her. In my dreams, my asthma never reared its ugly head.
Right around the time when summer break was almost drawing to a close, I ran into Higashiyama at the train station on my way back from cram school. He was also heading home from cram school, but he wasn’t attending a cram school like mine that would accept anyone who applied. He was attending one of those top-ranking city cram schools that you had to pass a series of difficult exams to get into.
We talked briefly about the contents of the classes we took at the cram schools. We then moved on to the topic of the schools we were trying out for. For Higashiyama, a top-ranking private school was within reach. The decision he had to make was whether he would choose a high school oriented towards preparation of university entrance examinations or whether he’d choose a high school affiliated with a university.
It was his dream to enter one of the big-six universities and play at Jingu Baseball Stadium.
“If it were you though, I’m sure you could become a regular even at a municipal school.”
“I haven’t got a chance in hell. Tetsuya’s got it great— he’s got a bunch of high schools fighting over him. The reason why I haven’t gotten any offers is because I’m not up to scratch. To be honest with you, I’ve actually gotten an offer from a track and field team, believe it or not.”
“None worth mentioning. When I told then my academic deviation value though, they dropped me like a bag of hot rocks. And anyway, I’m not interested in doing track and field. For me, it’s baseball or nothing.”
“No, since it wouldn’t be a guarantee that I’ll be able to make it big. I’m going to enter a top-rate university and get a job. That’s why I’m doing all this studying for the exams. Tetsuya’s taking it easy showing up for baseball practice, and cracking the whip on the first years to get on the coach’s good side.”
“Yeah. Oh, that reminds me. When I went to check out how the team was doing the other day, he mentioned you. You’re pretty good buds with him, right?”
I tried to change the topic by asking: “How is Funabashi doing?”
Higashiyama lived at a pretty luxurious high-rise condominium. It was a ten-story building and there was an Italian restaurant on the first floor. I spotted the sign for that restaurant in the street a short distance away.
“Yeah, but since most of the questions will be a multiple choice from A to E, the only thing I can do is just try to cram it all in.”
“I’m trying not to think about private schools, since the second term is when we get our internal school reports. Math is my weak point, so it’s taking everything I have to just focus on the stuff we get at school. I’d never be able to handle the math problems you’d get at the entrance exams for private schools.”
“Yeah. He’s a year younger than me but they’re leaning ‘Bohr’s atomic model’ in science now.”
The restaurant sign became increasingly closer. As we parted ways, he turned to ask me: “What are you going to do about your music? Are you going to forget about it and try out for a regular school?”
“You’ve got your piano studies too though, right?”
“Really? Well, you’ve got it tough.”
To be honest, I’ve never had many friends.
It’s not that I was particularly gloomy all the time; it’s just that I couldn’t find it in me to force myself to be cheerful all the time. There was also the fact that I didn’t take interest in the things that were popular with the others in my class like video games, role playing games, the stories that came from the extras that came with snacks, and the historical dramas that would air every Sunday evening. I didn’t know anything about those things that almost everyone else seemed to know so well. So it was no surprise that I couldn’t take part in the conversations in the classroom.
After we had parted ways, my mood darkened even more.
I felt heavy-hearted. I felt that I had tried my best these past forty days of summer break, but math and science were my weak points, and no matter how hard I studied, I couldn’t seem to raise my scores for those subjects. If I were to try out for a regular municipal high school, my teacher would probably only let me try out for one that was likely ranked more than halfway down the list.
My brother seemed to have decided after quitting baseball to focus on his junior high school entrance exams that he would never again play it, because when he entered junior high school, he had joined the tennis club, which had relatively easier practice sessions. Even then though, there were training camps and matches in the first half of summer vacation, so he didn’t have very much time to study. It was probably the case he had a stack of homework to be completed.
I wanted to talk to someone so I went up the stairs and headed for Kousuke’s room. Knocking was pointless because he wouldn’t be able to hear it, what with the music so loud. I stepped into his room and yelled out: “Hey! How’s it going?”
Kousuke lifted his head and answered. We were only a year apart, so since we were younger, we talked casually the way friends would.
“What? Is it another math problem?”
Kousuke had turned down the volume so I went over and sat at the edge of his bed.
“I’m guessing you’ve run into some sort of mid-life crisis with a question like that?”
“I don’t need your psychological analysis; just answer my question, all right?”
“Just answer it already.”
He threw the mechanical pencil he had been holding onto the table, and turned this way.
I didn’t expect his name to be brought up in the conversation, so I tensed momentarily.
“I had a chance to play against his team once back when I was still playing baseball.”
“He was already a star then. He was throwing these unbelievable pitches, and his batting was beyond the league of a kid that age. It wasn’t just that either; he was literally oozing with self-confidence. He was already giving off this atmosphere of a top player. I was a year younger, but I realized that even if I were to put my all into practice, I could never reach the level that he was now in a year. Since this was right around the time when I was deciding whether to continue with baseball or not, it gave me the push I needed to make my decision.”
“Sure there are. There are five geniuses in my class alone; they’ll probably end up becoming experts in their fields. My abilities are about right dab in the middle of the class. If things go well, I’d probably be able to somehow manage to get into a top-rate university. After I graduate from there, I’ll enter some company, and I’ll become your run-of-the-mill business man.”
“I’m fine with things being this way. I can’t become a star– I realized that back when I was in grade five.”
I became visibly dispirited.
“Why do you ask?”
“He did? Really?”
“When I picked up the receiver, he just began talking my ear off so I was taken aback. I guess he mistook me for you. He talked as if you were really close though.”
“Well, at any rate— I’m impressed! I didn’t know you were friends with him. He’s definitely gonna go pro in the future.”
Hearing this from him cheered me up just a little.
Later that day, Tetsuya called my house once again.
“Yo! This time, it’s you, right?”
“Yeah, it’s me.” I replied.
“Well, you never asked.”
The way he talked was as usual, but his voice lacked its usual cheerfulness.
For a brief moment, there was a silence as if he were hesitating to speak.
“I’ve been going to cram school, so I have no time.”
“Naomi’s scheduled for surgery soon.”
“Surgery? What kind of surgery?”
“What do you mean?”
“What kind of suspicions? Tell me already!”
“The doctor hasn’t been clear about it either, but it seems there’s swelling in the lymph node of her left armpit. They said they can’t say for sure unless they do the examination. Depending on what they find, it might lead to a bigger surgery. I can understand that you’re busy and all, but visit her some time, will you?”
Even after we had said our goodbyes and the call had ended, I remained standing there holding the receiver in my hand. I hadn’t visited her once this summer. It was because I was afraid of being hurt; I had only been thinking of myself.
Until now, I had just brushed Mahler’s music off as being over-the-top and loud, but tonight, each and every note pierced my heart. The pain was a comforting one. I guess Kousuke had a lot of things he was going through and he had found himself at Mahler’s door.
The sun’s rays which pierced the ground below was undeniably that of summer in full heat. The front garden of the hospital had already changed its colors and it gave off the atmosphere of fall.
“My! Long time no see.”
Naomi was alone when I went to her room.
“He’s at baseball practice. He only ever comes in the evening.”
I sat down on the chair by the wall as I usually did. She remained lying down. A heavy silence hung over the room. I couldn’t read her emotions. I was a little surprised by how healthy she looked. Since Tetsuya had said she was going to be needing a check-up, I thought that she would be visibly sick, but she didn’t look any different from she did a month ago… at least, on the outside. The only thing that hinted at something amiss were the dark shadows under her eyes.
But she seemed different today. Was it that she was wary of me? Or was she in a spirit of despair from some kind of shock?
I suddenly became aware of the tears that filled her eyes. Had I hurt her by remaining silent? Her face scrunched up. I thought that perhaps she might begin to cry, but in the next instant, her lips parted and laughter escaped. Her smile was a strained, fake one. She began to laugh out loud.
She said between laugher.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
“Am I?”
Now that she put it that way, she was right. I had no words to respond to her. She gazed at me with a malicious glint in her eye. Her lips were lifted into a smile, but the atmosphere held a tenseness that hinted that she may begin crying at any moment.
I could only reply with a dull response: “I was studying at a cram school.”
“I’m just doing what everyone else is doing.”
“I don’t know. If I began to think that, there’d be no end to it.”
“No. I just leave my mind empty.”
“That’s not what I was trying to say,” I said hastily but she studied me closely with doubt.
“I thought about you.”
That was true, but at the same time, it was also true that I hadn’t forgotten about her. It was hard to put into words so instead, I looked away and remained silent.
I turned her way.
Her eyes remained fixed on me as she said this.
She lifted her head slightly off the bed to gaze intently at me.
I didn’t know how to answer. I always kept Haraguchi Junzo’s book within reach, but it was true that the frequency in which I flipped through the pages had decreased. I had been busy this past month. It wasn’t just that though; it was that I had lost the will to read after having met Naomi. It was because the problems Naomi dealt with were more real and serious than anything that could be found in the pages of a book. I didn’t know how I could explain that to her.
She lifted her elbow onto the bed to raise her upper body from the bed.
Her stare felt like bullets as they bore down on me.
I got off the bus and headed slowly up the narrow path towards my house. I didn’t feel like going home, but there was no where else to go.
I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. My father was likely working, and Kousuke was probably lost in Mahler’s music as always.
She was calling my name. When I peered down at the basement, the curtains for the lesson room had been pulled to the side, and she was looking up at me.
I had a bad feeling about this. It seems that she had been waiting for me to come home.
When the door shut behind me, the noise from the outside was cut off, ,and it felt as if I were underwater. It was a strange sensation. It was suffocating. On the opposite side of the room, there was a window to let light in, so fresh air was coming in, but with the soundproof doors and double-layered curtains, the atmosphere in the room was a heavy, humid one.
What an attentive cram school. I guess they included this kind of reporting service in their fees.
“What kind of plans?”
“Oh? Is someone sick?”
“Really…”
It seems my fears were well founded.
She was forcing herself to speak calmly. When she did that, I knew that an outburst wasn’t far behind.
“What are you going to do about university?”
“Are you planning on becoming a professional pianist?”
“Why don’t you play a song for me?”
“I haven’t heard you play in a while. I’ve been meaning to sit down and listen properly for some time now.”
“Well then, the stage is yours.”
“What should I play?”
“I don’t like that song very much.”
I began to play Beethoven.
One day, I wanted to be able to play “Appassionata” or “Hammerklavier.” I wanted to be able to express all that I felt in my heart through the notes. Now though, I was only allowed to play the sonatas from his early days. Even among his earlier works, no. 8 or no. 14 were moving, but no. 15 was much too calm. I couldn’t get into this song from the very first time I had heard it.
I felt my fingers begin to tense. My feelings of failure as well as my feelings of not wanting to lose my tempo came to head, and I wasn’t able to focus on my performance to the very end.
“Wait just a minute.”
“With that kind of performance, you’ll never be able to become a professional pianist no matter how much effort you put into it.”
“Then what do you plan on doing about it? You’re not going to be able to find a decent job graduating from a music university. Or what? Do you plan on becoming a music teacher at a junior high?”
After the opening ceremony, I headed to the music room and touched the piano there for the first time in a while.
I played Bach, Czerny, and then finally, Beethoven.
I just couldn’t convince myself to like this song.
When it came right down to it, I didn’t have the talent.
“What’s wrong for you to be sighing like that?”
“Ms. Miyasaka,” I said.
“Yes, you’re being rude.”
“If you ask something knowing it might be rude is itself a rude gesture.”
“Stopping mid-way would be even more rude. At any rate, just ask me and I’ll be the judge of whether it’s out of line or not.”
“Is it fun being a teacher?”
“It’s fun. You know the kind of atmosphere the class is like, don’t you?”
When the students began their last year of junior high though, the classes for the five main subjects would become quiet. It’s because most of the students were starting to put a little effort into their studies since the entrance exams were not too far off. The music and art classes were, though, an utter wreck. The ones who were always looking for trouble would be making noise in the back of the class, and the honour roll students who were aiming to get into top-rate private schools would be studying English or Math during this time. It was only the handful of people who were trying out for the top public universities that would sit in the front row and try to get on the teachers’ good sides because they needed their recommendations.
“I know what you’re trying to get at, but…”
And that, her smile returned, and she let out another laugh.
I could hear the batters from the school grounds. It made me want to see Tetsuya. I had spoken to him over the phone, but it had been over a month since I had seen him face-to-face.
I thought it was probably be the case that he would be out on the grounds having fielding practice, but he was still in his school uniform standing on the other side of the backstop. He was surrounded by a group of girls from our school.
As for me, I rarely ever talked with the girls in my grade. It wasn’t as if I were purposely avoiding them; it was just that I didn’t have anyone I was particularly close with, so I didn’t have much of an opportunity to have conversations with them.
There was a large burst of laughter. Tetsuya had probably cracked a joke. The girls’ shoulders were shaking slightly as they laughed, and the comedian himself seemed to be having a pretty swell time.
It was as if the Tetsuya from that day had been another person all together.
I turned my back to the school ground and began to walk back towards the school gate.
I heard his footsteps draw near as he jogged towards me, but I kept walking.
“Wait. I want to talk to you about something.”
“You mad or something?”
I remained silent.
“It’s none of my business…”
I nodded. Tetsuya averted his eyes and continued to talk:
He doesn’t earn much, but he’s pretty popular with women, you know? He’s over forty, but he doesn’t show any signs of settling down. I hate the kind of person he is; but at the same time, I realize that we’re father and son. I’m just like him. I can feel the same impulsiveness running in my veins.”
“Naomi supports me emotionally. It’s because she’s there for me that it doesn’t phase me to be surrounded by girls. If she suddenly disappears from my life, I’m going to end up becoming a good-for-nothing like my old man. Now though, I’m only thinking of Naomi.”
“Kitazawa.”
“Look this way.”
He had a tense look on his face that frightened me.
He asked in a low voice.
“Huh, is that right? Well, that’s good then.”
“She feels the same way about you.”
“But you know, no matter which way you look at it, I’ve known her for a lot longer than you. I know everything about her. You have no chance of winning against me, you know that right?”
“Well, okay then…”
“If you do intend to go up against me though, I want it to be a fair fight. Do you want to head to the hospital with me today?”
Even I felt how cold my tone sounded.
“Hey, don’t sulk.”
The strength of his hold on my shoulder suddenly loosened.
“What do you mean?”
He turned away.
“Did the doctor say something?”
I walked slowly towards the gates, and watched as he disappeared into the underpass directly under the highway; his house was located in the opposite direction. He was probably intending on going directly to the hospital.
When I made it out of the underpass, I didn’t see him at the bus stop.
I got on the bus without giving it much thought. I had no intention of going to the hospital. I thought it would be fine if I went, but there was still a part of me that hesitated to do so. The bus eventually came to a stop at the hospital, and as it departed from this stop, I felt a heaviness fall on my shoulders.
The sky was darker than usual, and the wind just as strong. The school bag I was carrying felt heavy in my hand; it was my first time to visit in my school uniform.
I didn’t know why I was here.
I could see the narrow path that led to the apartment complex a short distance away. Even I wasn’t sure if I would choose to walk in that direction. I was scared, because I felt like I was being pressed to make a decision. I shifted my gaze in the direction of the road opposite that path; it was another narrow road. Not only that, but it was a steep incline. I let my feet take me to the slope, and I began to climb.
I couldn’t sense the presence of anyone else. I felt the sense of calmness that one felt when they were alone.
I walked up the gently sloping hill. This was the hill I had seen from the hallway of the apartment. As the slope gentled, the thickly wooded area gave way to a grassland. It might have been a cultivated field that had long given way to weeds. Although the roads were also sprinkled with weeds, the deeply rudded road kept them at bay.
“Why don’t we commit a double suicide?”
I thought about Haraguchi Junzo. I also thought about Nagasawa Nobuko and Oku Kouhei. Surely it must have been the case that all these people had an image in their minds of the ideal way of life. The gap between that ideal and the reality of their lives was what had driven them to suicide.
The wind bit into my cheeks. The clouds must have broken up because I could feel the heat of the sun on my back, and the apartment buildings within view began to sparkle in a unique array of colors. The sky in the background looked threateningly dark.
Going to end up dying anyway.
It might just be that that young boy had been in a much deeper despair than the author of “Etude of Being Twenty.” The boy hadn’t chosen death after having lost faith in the ideal… he had no ideal from the very beginning.
My fifteenth birthday was soon approaching.
Naomi was trying to live.
There were emergency stairs to the side of the mesh patterned-like building. And I could make out a small bean-sized shadow of a human being standing behind the handrails. The person was leaning against the handrail looking directly down to the ground below.
I shifted my focus to the dark sky beyond the apartment complex.
There was no denying though that the city of Tokyo was located directly under these clouds.
“I thought you wouldn’t come to see me anymore.”
Tetsuya told me to come see her no matter what, but I hadn’t gone to see her. Perhaps the best thing would have been for me to have gone with him that day to visit her. What was I supposed to talk about with her one-on-one? Just thinking about it left me with a sinking feeling and I couldn’t convince myself to visit her earlier.
She looked at me as if she were challenging me. It was a look that made me want to run out of the room that very second. The lingering heat of the weather had receded to be replaced by the cool autumn rain that left a fine film of condensation on the window. That chill had seeped its way into the hospital room. Contrary to the temperature of the room, a heat emitted from her pink-tinged face and body; it was my first time seeing her like this.
“You’re always quiet.”
“It’s not that I don’t say anything for no reason. It’s because I’m thinking. As I’m thinking though, you switch topics.”
“I was thinking about you this whole time too.”
Despite her words, she didn’t sound happy at all. It seemed as if she were fighting to hold back the feelings that were coming to surface.
She said this harshly. I hastily sat down, and waited to see what she would say next.
She said this to me as if she were testing me.
As I pondered over my words, words suddenly slipped out of my mouth:
“Why are you talking about Tecchan now?” She asked with an edge to her voice.
“Just hear me out, all right? Tetsuya’s the ace of the baseball team. Not only that, but he’s outgoing and he’s a really nice guy. It never even crossed my mind to compare myself to someone like him…”
“But when I think about you, I naturally end up thinking about him too. And when I do, I feel miserable.”
“ ‘Why’? It’s because…”
“It’s because I love you.”
I looked away. I fought to keep my voice from shaking: “But there’s nothing I can do.”
I could hear the sound of her breathing.
“I feel the same way about you,” she whispered.
“But you care about Tetsuya too, don’t you?”
She let out another small sigh.
“He’s special to me,” she said this in a rush.
I turned my head in the direction of her bed.
Her words trailed off.
“Ryoichi-san.”
“If I had never gotten sick, I might have never met you. It’s probably the case that we probably would have lived lives completely separate from each other. But through some twist of fate, I became ill, and we met. Should I be grateful for this turn of events?
But I’m selfish, so even when I’m facing the kind of situation that I am, I couldn’t help but dream a dream where I still had Tecchan, I still had you, and my illness was completely cured. If that were to happen though, I wonder… what then? It might just be that hardships would await.
Although the drama has just begun, the channel’s been changed before the climax. Don’t you think that’s such a heartless way to treat someone’s life? But I can’t bear a grudge against this fate because this fate was what brought me to you. That’s why I’ve decided to accept this fate with open arms.”
“I found out the results of my test.”
I waited for Naomi’s next words as if I were a man awaiting his sentencing.
A tumour…
Naomi’s leg. The malignant tumour that had been growing in her leg that had been amputated had already begun to spread to the rest of her body.
She didn’t answer immediately; she gazed at me for a short while before responding: “I’m so blessed to have been able to meet someone like you.”
I rounded the bed to her side.
When I had helped her to sit up on the bed, she ordered me to sit down in the same tone. I did as she said.
She fixed her eyes on me as she said: “It won’t stop at just the lymph nodes. They’ll probably end up removing my breasts next.”
“Look at me.”
“Look at them closely… and please remember them. I wanted you to see them before they cut them off.”
Tears welled up in her eyes, and yet, her voice rang clear and strong. The inner strength to stand up against this war that was looming closer was reflected in her voice. I gazed at her chest and that strangely calm expression on her face. In that moment, I thought that this sight… of her pale, small breasts, and the fierce expression on her face would forever be seared into my memory.