I bumped into Tetsuya at the entrance of the hospital.
He flashed a carefree smile my way.
“I guess…”
“So what? You’re leaving already? Hey, why don’t we go visit her room together this time?”
“Oh, really?”
I said my goodbyes before turning to leave.
Even when it came time for lunch, I was in a daze.
They were discussing the prices of the apartment complexes and condominiums that were being advertised in the flyers included in the newspapers. Their discussion came to a conclusion that even if they were to graduate from a top-rate university, a house in the heart of the city would be out of reach. Everyone was jealous of the boy who was the son of a sake shop that had a warehouse behind the store; those who lived in apartments their families rented lamented that there was no point in even studying for entrance exams.
Hearing their talk made me want to cover my ears.
Where was I…
I didn’t want to waste another second before seeing her.
My hand, which had begun to reach out for the door came to a stop, and I stood rooted at my spot.
I stepped back from the door as if I had touched a branding iron, and with that I turned back around and made my way back to the elevator.
I received the results of my mock test from September. A small card printed out from the computer was distributed to everyone in the class.
My score had remained at almost the same level.
I was sure though that explaining how my mark hadn’t improved because everyone else was trying just as hard would only come across as an excuse for someone like my mother.
The results of the mock exam were of utmost importance to the third year students at a municipal junior high. Regardless of whether the student got a high or low deviation value though, there were those who raised their voice and talking in a lively manner. The commotion was almost too much to bear.
Higashiyama, whose desk was to the upper right of mine, turned around and asked me. He was the only one who remained calm and collected throughout this whole ordeal.
“Yeah, that’s what I think. Even if you mess up when it comes to the real deal, it’s not like that means your life is over.”
Perhaps he sensed how I had turned pale, because he peered down at me with a look of concern.
I just gave a slight nod in reply.
“Well, that’s part of the reason, but…”
Higashiyama was someone who was quick-witted and had sharp instincts. He probably sensed there was a deeper reason for why I didn’t try to finish the sentence, because he quickly changed the topic.
As he said this, he turned to look at Funabashi, whose desk was located next to the window.
“He seems to have given up on trying to get into a high school, but it still probably stings to watch others get worked up like this. If only Shimoma were still here…”
Back when we were in first year, Shimoma and I were picked on a lot by Funabashi. We were both the type who were often targets of bullying. We were both small in stature with reserved personalities.
Eventually, Funabashi became the leader of the pack, and the number of followers increased. Even those followers though looked down on Shimoma and picked on him and it wasn’t long before he stopped showing up to school.
“I can kind of understand why he stopped coming to school though.”
Watching Funabashi acting like this though, he made a pitiful sight.
Higashiyama replied, “Yeah, but at this rate, it’s not looking too good for him”
He was short in his message as he spoke from the other end of the line.
After classes finished, I headed straight to the hospital. Tetsuya had taken the day off from school. I asked for the location of the surgery room at the nurse’s station, and made my way to it. In the hallway, I saw Naomi’s parents and Tetsuya.
He said in a low voice.
He had worked himself up into a state. I walked over to her parents. Her mother was visibly anxious, and even when I had walked up to them, she didn’t attempt to look my way. Naomi’s father smiled weakly and gave a nod of greeting. I silently returned the nod.
We began to walk side-by-side down the hallway.
There was a café directly across from the outgoing patient’s waiting room. It was a lounge similar to one you might find at a rest station of an express way with its resin tables and steel chairs. It was less like a café and more like a cafeteria if anything. From the looks of it though, it looked like they served some casual meals.
“I’m going to order a deep fried pork rice bowl.”
It was probably the case that this place was only crowded during lunch time, because it was quiet now. Tetsuya began to scarf down the meal silently.
He said this after he had finished eating and let out a sigh of content.
He had a pained expression on his face. His expressions were constantly changing as he tried to cheer himself up by demonstrating bravado, with brief moments of his weakened state showing through.
His shoulders were slumped as he said this. Even when his team had lost their sayonara match, he hadn’t shown an expression like this. It was probably the case that my expression mirrored his. In the past few days, I had avoided her and I hadn’t gone to see her. I couldn’t help but regret my actions now.
Time passed. It might just be that while we were here, things were taking a turn for the worst. Even if that were so, there was nothing that either of us could do.
I couldn’t hear the sounds of anyone moving on the other side of the door. I could make out though the faint sound of a rhythm. It was akin to the sound of a heartbeat; Naomi was using the last of her energy to continue to do what kept her alive: breathing. That heartbreaking sound was faint but sure in its rhythm. I recalled seeing on some show or movie an equipment that amplified the sound of a patient’s heartbeats. I saw that very same medical equipment in the storage room of this hospital.
I wondered if Tetsuya was hearing this sound…
“It sure is tough to wait like this.”
“Hey, why don’t you say something?”
“Yo, let’s do some sumo.”
“Yep, sumo. Keeping still like this is driving me crazy.”
I’d never wrestled in my life. Since I was young, I always avoided roughhousing. Not only that, but the difference in physical strength between Tetsuya and I were too big.
“Let’s make the sumo ring from this chair to the wall. If you touch either, you lose, okay?”
We were still dressed in our school uniforms— navy blue pants and a white shirt. Our belts served in place of the sumo wrestler’s belt. As soon as we broke hold, it turned into a migiyotsu. There was a significant difference in our physical strength, so I got into a defensive position by backing away.
He exclaimed. I was terrible when it came to running, but I was pretty good at mat exercises. And with my fingers trained from playing the piano, I had confidence in my grip. I got a firm grip on his belt and pulled with all my might. I felt my body begin to tilt.
He raised his voice as his body twisted as he used his left arm to attempt an over arm throw. I tried to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground, but his throw was an aggressive one that pulled me forward, and after swinging around a few times, I was flat on the ground before I had fully registered what had happened.
He asked, “Do you want to have another go at it?”
This time, he was the one to make the first move. His long arm shot forward so swiftly that I couldn’t get a grip on his belt. I was dragged backwards and he almost had me touching the wall. I made a quick right. This wasn’t a round sumo wrestling ring. Since the only boundary that existed was the chair and wall located directly in front and behind me, I could avoid him at any time by escaping to the sides.
“Hey, you okay?”
I wasn’t sure if I was, but I got up: “How about another round?”
He looked a little surprised.
I heard his rough breathing. My breaths were also coming out in short gasps. My mind was blank. As long as I was moving my body about like this, I didn’t have to think about anything. I could empty my mind of thoughts, and put all my focus onto the movements of my opponent. Tetsuya grabbed at my shoulder and arm and tried to forcibly do a forearm throw. I kept a firm grip on his belt, and braced myself against his attacks.
It might just be that he sensed this, because he no longer tried to any throws or pulling techniques, and switched to an attempt to pull forward. Although the evening was a chilly one, sweat poured down our faces. Tetsuya’s breathing became even more pronounced.
My body felt hot from the exercise. The floor beneath me felt unusually cold, and was a stark contrast to Tetsuya’s body, which was emitting heat. That very body was shaking slightly now. His weight was making it hard for me to breathe. I shifted to the side, and I was finally able to free my left arm and I was about to push him off me when I came to a stop.
He had his face buried in my chest and was crying silently. I felt the full weight of his shaking, heat, and weight of his body.
“There you two are! I’ve been looking all over for you!”
“The surgery’s over.”
“So is Naomi…”
“So she’s all right?”
We exchanged glances.
“We’ve moved her over to a private room, but no visitors are allowed. We can’t risk infection. It’s better if you two went home now. Look at the time!”
We followed Izumi-san to the front of Naomi’s hospital room. Her father was standing there, so I asked what had happened while we were gone. He explained that Naomi’s mother was with the doctor right now so he didn’t now the details. He also said how when he briefly saw Naomi when she was being wheeled out of the surgery room, she was sleeping but she had a peaceful expression. Although he was smiling, his tired state seeped through from the way he talked. It might just be that just the act of talking was exhausting him. Since we didn’t want to stay too long and be a bother, we said our goodbyes and made our way to the exit.
We continued walking for what felt like a long time.
“Kitazawa,” he began to speak just as we approached the intersection.
“How old are you?”
Three days earlier, I had had my birthday. Our family though didn’t make a big deal of birthdays. My father didn’t come home as usual. My mother left a birthday card on top of my desk with a bookstore gift card inside; it was the same present she gave me every year.
Although we were only a grade apart, since he was born early in the year, we’d be two years apart for the next half year. That was all that was. My mother had lessons that evening, so the meal that night was the kind of meal we usually had.
I didn’t know why he brought up something like that out of the blue.
I didn’t reply.
“Live to be a hundred, okay? And I’ll do the same.”
“Live to be a hundred, and during that time, let’s always keep Naomi in our memories, all right?”
“Got it?”
“Let’s form an alliance. Since we’re all fifteen, let’s make it: ‘The Alliance of the 15s’. This is a promise between men, all right?”
Suddenly, I heard the sounds of a car approaching. The light from the car headlights pierced the darkness, and a taxi with a green-coloured sign drove past.
He looked like he was going to fall over at any moment, so I quickened my steps and caught up to him.
I couldn’t make out what he was saying very well, but he seemed to be muttering something. Before I could catch him, he went sprawling onto the ground. It might just be that he had simply tripped, but it seemed like he had purposely fallen.
He raised himself to his knees and was staring at the house. There were tears in his eyes. I never guessed him to be a maudlin drinker.
I crouched down and spoke to him.
He laid back down and rolled over onto his back.
“Oh, well if it isn’t Ryoichi! What are you doing here?”
“Where is this?”
“What? The house? Drat! I thought something wasn’t right!”
“I was planning on going back to my office, but I guess I gave the taxi driver the wrong address. Ryoichi, do me a favour and grab me another taxi.”
“No, forget it. I’ll go home. Is your mother awake?”
“What were you doing out so late at night? Were you out with your friends?”
“At any rate, you need to get up.”
“I’m sorry, son. The older I get, the lower my alcohol tolerance gets. My life might as well be over.”
Kousuke had long since passed my father in height, but walking side by side with my father like this, I realized I had become about the same height as him.
My father had mentioned before that when he drank too much, he had a tendency to forget what happened. I found out this first hand when he had no recollections the next day of how he had raised a ruckus which had led to a neighbour logging a complaint when he had invited a visitor to the house.
I didn’t care who, but I wanted to talk to someone about everything that I had bottled inside.
“Is she your friend?”
A friend…
He put strength into his hand to give a firm squeeze on my shoulder.
I wasn’t sure if he had lost his footing, but he threw his other arm around me and leaned in close as he said: “And… Ryoichi. As you grow up and reach middle age, your dreams disappear one by one. Humans have to withstand this.”
His voice became choked with tears as he continued: “They were those I joined protests with. Originally, there were two others in our group, but one was killed in an infighting, and the other committed suicide. The bores that were still alive got together to think of the past with nostalgia and lament the times that have passed; being middle aged can be such an ugly thing. Do you get it, Ryoichi?”
I didn’t reply. Since we had made it partly up the stairs leading to the front door, I gritted my teeth as I supported him.
He shouted.
The front door opened, and my mother stepped out.
She was glaring at us. I saw Kousuke standing behind her. It seems that my father’s shouts surpassed even Mahler’s music in volume.
Kousuke came down the last of the stairs and helped to support him. With Kousuke helping me, it was easy to hold my father up. We carried him inside, and after taking off his shoes, we laid him down on the long sofa in the living room.
Tetsuya was already there in the hallway by the time I got there.
He had dark bags under his eyes as if he hadn’t gotten any sleep the previous night.
“I’m worried about her, so I’ll stay too.”
“But you’re going to stay here, aren’t you?”
“Naomi’s more important to me than that.”
“It’s okay. Even if you stay here, it’s not as if it’s going to save her life.”
“He’s saying he won’t go to school, so can you help me out? It’s not as if Naomi’s going to die at any second, right?”
“Okay, I got it.”
But he only walked with me as far as the back entrance before returning to the hallway.
I got on the bus that was crowded from the morning rush. I got off at a stop partway through the route, so it was no easy task to make my way through the throngs of people to get to the door.
I heard someone call my name, so I turned to the road from where I had heard the voice. Shimoma was there sitting astride a motorbike. It was a 50CC motorbike but it goes without saying that a junior high school student couldn’t get a driver’s license at that age.
“Pretty sweet, huh?”
It was clear he was riding the bike without a license, and the bike itself might have been something he had stolen; even then though, I felt uneasy at the thought of criticizing him.
I turned him down. Since this was a small motorbike, it wasn’t meant for two people to ride on. It just had a small bike rack at the back.
He said this as if he were challenging me. He had always been someone who was easily intimidated and who always looked away first, so it was as if this person in front of me wasn’t Shimoma at all. He had a look of confidence on his face that I had never seen. But at the same time, that confidence seem to be stemming from tough front that was fragile in its strength.
When I told him this, he snorted: “I’m not afraid of dying.”
He was going around in circles in the same spot over and over as if he were showing off. The cars on the road were moving at a snails pace because of the traffic jam that came with the morning rush, but the buses and cars that suddenly had their ways stepped on their breaks and honked their horns.
I ignored Shimoma, and began to head towards the school entrance. When I got onto the street that led directly to the school, I saw many students wearing the same school uniform walking. The time for the opening ceremony was soon approaching, so everyone was walking quickly.
The moment I walked through the gates, I heard from behind me a deafening screech of brakes being hit. Followed closely was a thud, and the screams of the female students. I ran back past the gates, and I spotted the bike which was tangled into a mess under a truck.
By the time I went to where he was, there was someone who had attempted to roll him over. That person quickly abandoned hope and let go. Shimoma’s lifeless eyes were open, and his head was hanging limply. There was blood dripping down his face from his head, but his face had been spared of injuries.
A group of people had formed a ring around Shimoma’s lifeless body. It wasn’t long before an ambulance and a police car came and he was taken away. I stood among the crowd in a daze.
As I neared the hospital, I began to feel weak-kneed.
It was probably the case that within the walls of this hospital, there were a countless number of patients who were battling with this thing called “death.”
There was no one in the hall standing in front of her hospital room. I wasn’t sure if I could just let myself in. I thought about going back to the nurse’s station just to make sure, but suddenly, the door opened.
“I knew it! It was you. I thought I heard a sigh.”
“Sure you can. Come on in.”
I saw Naomi. White sheets covered her up to her neck. Her eyes were open. She was staring straight up at the ceiling. Since Tetsuya was talking in a loud voice, she must have known that I had come, but she didn’t try to look in my direction. I quickly came to a realization that it wasn’t that she wasn’t trying to avoid me though.
The only other people in the room besides me was her mother and Tetsuya. Her mother seemed distracted, with a hollow look in her eyes. When I gave a nod in greeting, her eyes moved just barely in my direction, and she gave a slight nod in response. I was so nervous that I stood by the side of the bed.
“I’m still alive.”
“My chest feels empty.”
“How cruel life is. Even after my body’s become like this, I’m still alive.”
“Naomi.”
She asked, “What is it?”
“I’ll stay by your side.”
What could I say? We had only just met, and we already had to say our goodbyes.
The time that Tetsuya and Naomi had spent together… the years they had shared that I could do nothing about was something that once again weighed on my feelings.
The class was abuzz with talk of what had happened to Shimoma. A newspaper article was written in the morning papers. It focused on not only the motorbike accident, but the problems he had of refusing to come to school.
Higashyama said this in a low voice.
When it came right down to it though, he was still their leader, so he was indirectly responsible for their actions, so it came as no surprise that the school wouldn’t write a letter of recommendation to a student like that.
“The doctor’s examining her now.” He said in a low voice.
“Let’s go to the café.”
As we walked, I told him about Shimoma’s accident, and about how Funabashi had been acting lately. He listened quietly.
“What is it? Did something happen?”
“It’s not a regular check-up, is it?”
“She’s got an onset of pneumonia.”
She had one lung removed during the operation, and pneumonia had set in on her remaining lung; it was what we all feared the most.
His voice was shaking. The feelings he had been trying to keep bottled up must have overflowed as he talked to me about it. His eyes were bright red.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t say anything.
“I guess I’m a little tired.”
“My body’s always been pretty strong so I never really knew what it was like to be tired. Remember how I was cracking jokes at you and Funabashi when you were running on the school grounds way back when? My body’s always been pretty sturdy, so I couldn’t really understand how others could be any different. But now, even the smallest thing can send pain shooting through my heart. It feels as if a part of my body was cut off, and the wound keeps on opening to bleed.”
“Kitazawa, I’m afraid of myself.”
“My old man’s blood is running through these veins. The blood of a fickle, loose man. Right now, I’m only thinking about Naomi. But as the years pass, I might just forget about her and go chasing after the skirt of some other girl. I’m afraid of the me that might do that…”
“Now, I’m crying. I’ll probably cry tomorrow, and the day after that. But what about six months from now? I don’t have any confidence in myself. Half a year from now when I enter high school, training for baseball’s going to start. Fans will form a circle around me.
He lifted his head, and stared at me with a serious look on his face.
Without saying anything, I gave a deep nod.
I stood still for a while in the middle of the living room.
I had a feeling I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight; it was going to be a long night.
I wasn’t in the mood to play an actual song so I began by doing some training exercises for my fingers by playing some Hanon.
After Hanon, I contemplated what to play next. I had a feeling that I would be able to play the mechanical melody of Beethoven if it were tonight. I played “Grosse Fuge” in succession. The notes blended together, assaulted in waves before receding. This wave of sound echoed deep in my heart, and I felt a sense of peace settle over me.
That’s right…. Sonata No. 15 would suffice…
I placed my third finger of my left hand on the principal D major. I began to layer on the triple-time rhythm in what seemed initially to be a careless manner. The chords played with my right hand echoed at a miniscule delayed pace as the metronome-like rhythm from my left hand continued on. The gentle movement of sound that I wasn’t sure could even be called a melody unfolded in a tedium manner. Although the quarter note switched to an eight note, the monotonous rhythm that lacked both a dotted note and syncopation and the unremarkable melody that was void of emotion were played with razor sharp precision without even a hint of dynamics or the wandering of the tempo.
I thought I had kept my emotions in check, but without even realizing it, tears were streaming down my face.
It felt almost surreal; it was my first time playing a piece like this. I was playing this piece like I always did, but each and every chord had something deep hidden in it. The melody I had originally began to play so nonchalantly sounded different to my ears. I was embarrassed to think back to how I always tried to add emotion to a song by adding accents and altering the tempo.
I began the second movement of the two-part time. From beyond the echo of the chord, another sound began to reverberate. It was a rhythm that was trying to gradually dwindle but was persevering although faintly. I had heard this sound before. It was a rhythm akin to a heart beating that rooted itself into the deep recesses of one’s heart.
I felt my fingers undeniably keeping up with this rhythm. Not once did I waver, or fall behind; the tempo stayed perfectly in sync as the performance smoothly progressed. After the last of the chord from the last movement faded, a deep satisfaction unlike anything I had experienced until now wrapped me into a gentle embrace.
I stood up from the chair and signalled her with my eyes. She appeared to still be in shock as she stared at me intently.
There were four junior high school girls who were talking to Tetsuya in front of Naomi’s hospital room. They were wearing a school uniform with crimson-coloured ribbons; it wasn’t the uniform from our school. I guessed that they were Naomi’s classmates.
Even with the uniform in front of me though, I couldn’t imagine her wearing them. The Naomi that I knew was always in a hospital room wearing light pink pyjamas with a blanket over her as she glared at me with a sulky expression.
Tetsuya was laughing right along with them.
When Tetsuya spotted me, a sour expression transformed his face.
He said this in brusque way as if he were trying to hide his embarrassment. Although he had been laughing with those girls, I knew that as soon as they left, his eyes would become tinged with red again. He was just that kind of guy.
I watched him as I wondered how he planned on doing that. He smiled and asked them if they wanted to get some tea as he ushered them to the front entrance. Once they rounded the corner, I could hear him cracking jokes and a light-hearted atmosphere overtook the conversation.
As I closed the door, I felt a suffocating quietness wrap itself around me. I could hear the swish-swish sounds of the machine. A material that reflected white caught my eye. It was an oxygen tent meant to administer oxygen inhalations to a patient. The plastic was transparent. Perhaps it was because of the condensation, but it seemed slightly cloudy. Through that white mist, I could make out her face.
Naomi was awake, and noticed right away when I came to stand by her bed.
Her hands and legs didn’t move either. Her skin was unnaturally white and dry. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was looking at her through the oxygen tent, but she looked like a lifeless doll. It was only her eyes that still retained its liveliness.
I touched the edge of the bed, and leaned down so I was closer to her. Her eyes watched me as I did so. I continued to gaze down at her as I watched her in silence.
Her eyes said to me. I nodded in reply.
I… love….you.
After a brief pause, her lips began to move once again:
Her eyes twinkled. I didn’t reply. She knew that death was drawing nearer.
Once I stepped out into the hallway, I spotted Naomi’s father. Tetsuya had yet to return.
“Were you able to speak with Naomi?”
“She can’t speak with words, but she can talk through her eyes. She’s just that kind of girl.”
He walked up to me, and began to talk in a low voice akin to a whisper:
He let out a small sigh. He turned his head to the side, and gazed absentmindedly down the hall as he continued:
My friends must have felt sorry for me since I was the age that I was, and went about setting up a meeting with her. My wife was also someone who wasn’t very social so even after she passed the age when most women married, she had yet to marry. The first time we met, I was struck by her beauty. I couldn’t understand why a woman as beautiful as her had yet to marry. Once I began to see her, I understood why.
We never really spent time sitting down to have a conversation either. It seemed to me that rather than be lonely, she derived a kind of joy from spending time alone. She’s just that kind of woman. She’s someone who’s scrupulous when it comes to cleanliness so she carried out the household chores with perfection.
He gazed at somewhere far away, and a brief expression of pain flashed through his features. When he once again turned to look in my direction though, a smile had formed and he looked peaceful.
But Naomi also took after me with her cheerful and carefree demeanour. Since there were qualities we both shared, I could understand her well, and with time, I began to understand the other parts of her character as well. And it was through Naomi that I slowly began to understand my wife better.
When I thought about how she had only spent fifteen years on this earth, my mind went into a state of despair, and I couldn’t concentrate on my work. But this past six months, I’ve began to regain my sense of calm. No matter how much I grieved this reality, it wouldn’t make a difference. And although it may come across as harsh to say, it is true that we will have to continue living after Naomi departs from this earth.
His expression clouded over briefly as he gazed at me. He nodded deeply twice as if he were telling this to himself: “There’s nothing to worry about. I’m not the me that I was when I was younger. I’ve noticed that these past few days, my wife has been on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
It’s probably the case that even after many years have passed, we will still continue to talk about Naomi. Those memories we share of hers will be enough to tie us together for a lifetime. I am thankful to Naomi. I am also thankful to this fate that blessed me with a daughter like Naomi. It was only half a year ago that I cursed fate, but now, I feel as if I can be grateful for it.”
I also had memories of Naomi. I could understand his feelings, if only a little. I wondered if that feeling was reflected in my expression. Naomi’s father, who had been looking at me as if he were curious as to see my expression hastily looked away; I also noticed tears in his eyes.
“I