Weaving my way through the bustling city center, I headed towards the train station. I purchased a train ticket and went through the ticket gate. I could see the over bridge that led to the platform that was opposite to the one on this side. My feet came to a stop.
The fourteen story apartment. The wind that blew across the hallway. The gently sloping hill and the range of mountains that could be seen in the distance.
The train came to a smooth stop at the opposing platform. I fought to breathe as I gazed at the white train with its horizontal brown line.
I rode the bus from the train station. It was the conductor-less bus that I always rode. I fed a coupon ticket into the fare box that was located next to the driver’s seat and took a seat in one of the one-seater seats.
There weren’t many people on the bus, and there weren’t that many people who were waiting at bus stops to be picked up to begin with, so the bus quickly made its way through its route.
The sky was cloudy, but the rain that had been falling in the morning had let up. Just like last time, there was a riotous profusion of red sage blooming in the front garden. The dirt, which was a rich brown from the plentiful moisture, caught my eye.
Tetsuya had said this to me, but I hadn’t gone to visit her since. All I had done was tape the baseball game as he had requested me to do. There was no link between her and me. I thought that even if I went to visit her, I didn’t know what to talk about.
I got off the elevator, and as I passed by the nurse’s station, Izumi-san was there.
She asked me with a twinkle in her eye.
I double-checked the name tag by the door before knocking.
A surprisingly cheerful voice spoke from beyond the door.
When she saw it was me, she said this as if she were pleased to see me. She was bundled up again and was sitting upright on the bed. Since she seemed happy to see me, I could, for the time being, let out a sigh of relief.
There was a small VCR player that wasn’t the one from the hospital storage room hooked up to the television that was on the shelf.
“Oh…”
She gazed up at me playfully as if she enjoyed seeing me like this.
She said this in a tone that was almost like a command rather than a suggestion. I sat down in the foldable chair that was next to the edge of the bed.
I had only seen her twice, but she talked to me in a carefree manner as if we were lifelong friends. It may just be that she had an outgoing personality, but I couldn’t help but feel a hint of haughtiness to her character as well.
“Oh, can you stop the tape right there?”
“Aren’t you going to watch the baseball game too?”
“Why would I? Baseball’s one of those things where if you know the outcome, it’s boring to watch.”
Wrapped up in blankets, she was sitting in front of me. It was my first time being so close to her. I didn’t know if it was because of her illness, but her translucent skin was dry to the point that it looked irritated. Despite this, it didn’t take away from the beauty of her ink-black eyebrows, the sparkle of her eyes or the rosy -color of her lips; it made me want to stand this close of a distance to her and continue gazing at her.
She said this as she gazed up at me. There was a faint trace of a smile on her lips. Her eyes gave off a vibrant glow like that of an animal in the wild, and it was full of life.
I said this as I took a seat in the chair next to her bed. The moment the words came out of my mouth, I realized how lacking in taste the comment was, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
She said this nonchalantly without missing a beat. I tensed. If it had been Tetsuya, I’m sure he would have been able to twist the comment into a joke… either that, or he would have been able to scold her by saying she shouldn’t be saying things like that, but all I could do was sit there.
The more I felt the need to speak, the more the words scattered and disappeared into thin air.
“Hey,” she suddenly said.
I hastily stood up.
She shrugged off the blanket that she had wrapped around her body and pushed it towards her legs. Her light pink pyjamas came into view. I could see her bare neck; it was a white, translucent color. When I neared her bed, I caught a whiff of a faint sweet fragrance. I walked up to her side and reached out. It felt as if I were reaching out to touch a fragile object. So much so that my hands shook as I reached out.
“That’s right. You’re doing great.”
“Thanks.”
I was quick to distance myself from the bed as I returned to the chair.
“You’re pretty kind, you know that?”
“You think so?”
“But you’re a bit sensitive though, aren’t you?”
“You are. I can tell. I can tell everything that you’re thinking.”
Her lips had lifted into a smile, but there was no laughter in her eyes.
She seemed to be testing me as she threw this question in my direction.
“What do you mean?”
“Is that right? So are you saying that you don’t feel sorry for me at all?”
It was the first time in my life that I was talking to a girl one-on-one like this. Just that alone was enough to make me feel nervous, and to make it worse, she was sharper than the average girl.
“I shouldn’t be so nasty to you.”
She made this comment as if she were speaking to herself. She was probably thinking about Tetsuya right now.
I honestly believed this so I just said what I thought.
She shot back as if she thought the opposite, but her eyes sparkled as she said this. She looked as if there was nothing she enjoyed more than talking about him.
“Do you think so?”
She shrugged and laughed.
She stared fixedly at me as a smile formed on her lips. “Then tell me. What kind of impression do I give you?”
“Do I look like a kind person to you?”
“I’m asking what you think.”
“My!”
I was truly glad that I came here that day.
“Isn’t Hanegi coming here today?”
Naomi sparkled with life even more when she talked about Tetsuya. Seeing her so happy made me feel the same way.
“He should just come everyday.”
“Your father? Oh, then should I leave now?”
She stopped me from leaving so I decided to stay, but our conversation topics dried up. I felt uncomfortable continuing to talk about school since she couldn’t leave the hospital. She probably wanted to go back to school as soon as she could.
I didn’t know how much time had passed, but I had become absorbed in my thoughts. I didn’t know if it was for a brief moment or if quite a long time had passed, but when I snapped back into the present, I caught her gazing at me.
“You have problems of your own too, don’t you?”
After taking a deep breath, I eventually replied: “Does it look like I have problems?”
“You’re honest like that, so it shows on your face clear as day.”
I couldn’t bear to continue locking gazes with her so I once again shifted my gaze towards the window. Once again, I could hear the distant rattling of the train.
The fear and doubts linked to such an act would vanish, and it would feel as if my body were suddenly afloat. The window. The handrail of the stairs. The white line of the train platform. It would only take one step forward.
Even I didn’t know what I had suddenly began to tell her, but when I had realized it, the words had already come tumbling out.
I looked at her.
“He was the same age as me.”
“There was a suicide letter… something he scrawled on the walls.”
“Oh, I never read it. What did it say?”
I told a white lie because my heart felt heavy at the thought of explaining the contents of the writing.
Naomi didn’t try to press for further details.
“So what, you want to kill yourself over it?” She asked coolly.
I felt as if I were being slowly cornered. I wanted to get rid of the hazy, uncertain feelings whirling about in my heart that I began speaking fast: “I can’t really explain it very well, but to put it simply, I guess it comes down to this: along with the materials enclosed with the mock test grades are a countless number of high schools listed like menu items at a restaurant. When your deviation value is low, the schools you can choose from get progressively smaller. But I’ve come to think that there must be a way to live your life in a way that isn’t listed on that menu.”
“Well, what I’m thinking right now is to go to a music school. There are art schools, agricultural schools and horticultural schools too. Cooking, cutting hair, bookkeeping, computer programming… there are so many things a person could do. They could go to a specialized school or they could just start working. There’s even the option of trying out for the university entrance qualification examination. All I’m saying is, in that long list, it wouldn’t be so bad to have ‘suicide’ be among them.”
Her voice shook slightly as she continued: “But someone who’s healthy could never possibly understand this. The only list that’s given to me consists of: sickness, sickness, and more sickness; that’s all. I don’t even have the option of committing suicide. Because even if I did, they’d think it was the fact that I’m ill that I did it. When it comes to suicide, no one’s surprised if it isn’t done by a healthy person.”
She lowered her head to gaze at me. A transparent quietness blanketed the room.
She wrinkled her nose and giggled with amusement:
She was smiling but tears had begun to form in her eyes.
Closing her eyes, she said: “I can’t help but feel envious of those with a future. They don’t realize how lucky they have it just to be able to consider something like suicide.”
A man with a receding hairline but with a boyish face peered into the room. I immediately realized that he was Naomi’s father.
“Hello,” I said to him as I lowered my head. I knew I should have put more thought into my greeting but I couldn’t think of anything else to say right off the bat.
Her father was smiling as he turned my way; he seemed nice. He was probably a few years older than my father, but his smile was still youthful.
“Kitazawa-kun’s a pianist, you know?”
His eyes rounded as he gazed my way. I looked away self-consciously.
“My daddy’s a chemist, you know.”
“I’m just a researcher for an electrical appliance manufacturer. Just your average business man.”
And with that, I stayed and had a conversation with her father. He explained the details of his research to me. He specialized in applied chemistry and he explained to me how he was doing research on organ silicon compounds. His line of work sounded complicated, but he didn’t talk to me as if I were a child; he was patient as he explained what that entailed and I enjoyed listening to him. It was my first time talking like this with an adult.
Having wrapped up her lesson, my mother was in the kitchen preparing.
She always talked to people as if she were angry. Even now, I still couldn’t differentiate between when she was fine and when she was actually angry.
“What do you mean ‘out’? May I remind you, you’re a student preparing for the entrance exams! Where were you wasting your time until now?”
“Well, then why don’t you tell me where you’ve been until now. Or was it somewhere you can’t tell me?”
“Wait just a minute, young man! That’s no way to talk to your mother!”
“You’re hurting me.” I yelled.
I heard my father’s voice coming from the living room. I hadn’t realized that he was home. He was leaning back against the rattan chair and he was drinking a can of beer. He looked as if he had just come out of the bath because he was still wearing a cotton robe.
He said in a laid-back tone.
“Err, well…”
He was the head of a production company that specialized in paperbound pocket novels. Although he was technically the head, there were only a few employees at the company, and they only did subcontracted work provided for by one of the major publishing firms. That being said, they’d released consecutive hits these past few years and I heard that business was booming. With work as busy as it was, there were many days when he would stay overnight at his office. Even on a Sunday, he was rarely ever home.
She continued to keep a firm grip on my arm as she dragged me over to the living room. My father silently watched as the scene unfolded in front of him.
“Now that’s a great idea.”
My mother practically pushed me back into the sofa.
“It’s not that I was hiding it from you.”
“Because there’s no reason for me to; this is my business. Besides that, I wish you wouldn’t go into my room without permission.”
His words were harsh, but I knew that he rarely ever got enraged so in that respect, I felt a bit relieved. I shot back sharply, “Even kids have a right to privacy. We’re not slaves, after all.”
He seemed to have been convinced by this that his voice suddenly lowered. My mother’s voice in turn became even louder: “ You stay out of this!”
“Father.”
I knew very well that he was weak when it came to this approach.
“Is that right? Okay, I understand.”
She had a menacing look on her face, but my father said to her in a strong tone that he rarely ever used: “Now hold on just a second. Ryoichi’s saying he wants to talk to me alone, so leave this to me, won’t you?”
“Wait. That’s between you and me– don’t bring up that kind of talk in front of the children.”
“At any rate, it’s better for him and I to have a talk, man-to-man.”
My mother glanced at the clock. She probably had more she wanted to say, but since her student would be coming in for an evening lesson soon, she had to finish preparing and eating dinner soon.
“Are we having dinner yet?”
His words settled things, and I was able to slip through my mother’s interrogation.
I wonder when I had begun to call him “father.”
Long before I started kindergarten, there was a period when “daddy” used to spend all his time at home. Although the memories weren’t sharp, I still had a faint recollection of him lazing around the house all day. It might just be that he had been working on some manuscripts while I was sleeping. At any rate, when I was awake, he was always there to play with me.
Thinking back now, I think my father had probably been drinking from the afternoon since he was always so cheerful and upbeat.
He began to talk only about numbers of how many books had sold. When Kousuke was studying for his entrance exams, he somehow found time to come home on Sundays to help him with his studies; perhaps he found joy in watching his son’s deviation value rise.
Back when it was just the two of us in the apartment, he talked to me about many things. He told me outlandish children’s stories that he wrote himself, along with parodies of famous folklores among others.
For example, one being “The Story of the Spider’s Silk.”
My father laughed then saying, “Well, wasn’t that fun!”
From time to time, he even took me out for walks to the nearby park. It was a park that had a large pond that had some canoes. My father watched as I played on the swings and slides. In the beginning, he watched as I played, but eventually his gaze drifted towards the direction of the pond. He wasn’t gazing at the pond though, but rather, at something beyond it. He looked as if he were looking at the end of the earth, so much so that I almost felt sorry for him; I loved this part of him though.
After dinner, it was just my father and I. I heard the piano lesson commence downstairs, and from the second floor, I could hear the echo of Mahler. To top it off, I could hear the roar of the dishwasher from the kitchen.
“What is it that you wanted to talk about?”
It wasn’t if I could brush this off. At any rate, this was miles better than having to deal with my mother.
I paused there to gauge his reaction. He looked at me with an expression that said he was wondering he what I would say.
I tried to put on a calm, indifferent expression as I said this.
“Then I can decide myself what I do with my life?”
He cast a sharp glance my way.
With that his expression turned to a troubled one.
“I’m fourteen.”
He gave a firm nod.
I didn’t answer.
“You can decide yourself what it is that you do with your life. But that’s only after you turn twenty. Until then, you need to study hard, go to university, and leave many options open to yourself.”
“You don’t need to worry about grades. Just put your all into it from here on out.”
I didn’t even have the urge to argue with him. There was no one I could open up to about my real feelings on the matter. There was no more need for me to continue this conversation with my father.
The sounds of the piano, Mahler, and the dishwasher sliced the atmosphere of the room.
Since I was silent, he put strength into his words as if he doubted my words.
“Yo,” he said to me.
I silently nodded.
“I will,” I replied. I thought that was the extend of his conversation, so I began to head in the direction of the music room, but he stopped me by standing in my way.
“What are you talking about?”
He had a point.
“Well, whatever. She was happy that you came, and that’s all that counts. She’s got a screw loose in the head too, ya know?”
I asked: “Are you going to visit her today?”
“Sure.”
“All right then, let’s go together!”
We agreed to meet in front of the classroom and headed to the bus stop together.
We didn’t say much on the way to the hospital, and the bus came shortly after we reached the bus stop. We were the only two to get on from this stop.
He asked me this very same question before. I wondered how I had replied to it then.
“You think she’s a pain-in-the-neck?”
“Huh, is that right? Well, she’s a nice person. It’s that disease that’s messing with her, you know?”
In stark contrast to his cheerful tone, my mood turned darker and darker.. I didn’t know anything about Naomi. I wasn’t on the same level as Tetsuya. There was no way to wind back the hands of time.
Tetsuya got off first and made his way to the hospital.
Naomi lifted her head and looked in our direction. She couldn’t have missed seeing me, but she kept her eyes focused only on Tetsuya as she talked to him. Her demeanour was strangely awkward. I had been expecting a warm welcome, so it was as if I had cold water poured over me.
Last time, I had been the one supporting her back. My hands still remembered the feel of the soft fabric of her pyjamas and the comforting warmth.
“Can’t you get up on your own, huh?”
She raked back her front hair which was falling over her forehead as she replied, “When there’s someone here to help me, it’s easier to ask for help.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“There’s no point in doing rehabilitation exercises.”
He lifted his arm, and I was momentarily taken aback because I thought he was going to hit her. But he lowered his arm and gave a light flick on her forehead with his index finger and thumb.
She didn’t try to look in my direction. Perhaps I should have been the one to initiate a conversation, but I didn’t know what to say. A strained atmosphere blanketed the room.
They talked about their childhood. It felt as if they were choosing topics that I couldn’t participate in on purpose. It may just be that Tetsuya had guided the conversation in that direction because he sensed that if he didn’t, Naomi would become even more sullen. Before long, she began to relax visibly and she even showed a smile from time to time. I listened to their conversation in silence. I hadn’t said a word since I had stepped into this room.
“Are you two good friends?”
“Oh!”
“Well, we haven’t known each other that long… but we get along, right?”
I continued to remain silent.
After a long silence, she continued to keep her eyes diverted as she said, “I’m going to be fifteen soon.”
“I have something I want to ask of you…”
She lifted her head and gazed my way.
Tetsuya cut in, “Yo, shouldn’t you ask what it is before you agree to it?”
“Say it yourself.”
She seemed afraid as she remained silent.
“Okay,” I readily agreed.
Naomi said this quietly. Her mood remained as gloomy as ever.
His voice as he said this was void of its usual cheerfulness.
“Tecchan, it sure is hot today.”
“I sweated a lot today. Can you help me change my pyjamas?”
I got up and swiftly left the room.
About five minutes had passed before the door opened.
Tetsuya said this to me with a dejected look on his face.
We began walking in the direction of the elevator.
Tetsuya whispered: “Kitazawa.”
His voice was shaking as he said this. I could feel the depth of his feelings in his words.
I said I understood, but that was different from acknowledging it; I didn’t want to. I kept telling myself that after Naomi’s birthday, I would never again come to this hospital.
It was a hot and humid day just before the start of summer.
In the recreation room, there were exercise machines for those doing rehabilitation, along with a checker board, a shogi board, a rack with magazines and books, and a foldable ping pong table.
I played a few songs from “Kinderszenen” reading off of sheet music. I followed that up with Prokofiev’s “The Love for Three Oranges,” along with the song I had just finished practicing: Falla’s “Ritual Fire Dance.” For the final song, I chose Satie’s “Gymnopedie No. 1.” I didn’t play any song that I had received guidance on playing during my private lessons. They were all my interpretations.
Naomi, her parents, Tetsuya and the nurse, Izumi-san came to listen. In the beginning, it had been only them but as I continued to play, the patients in neighbouring rooms began to gather and before long, the room was packed with people.
After finishing Satie and standing to take a bow, Naomi yelled out: “Encore!”
“If it’s Ravel, you can play from memory, right?”
“It’s okay. It’s not as if I’m the ‘princess’ in the song, so you have nothing to worry about.”
I began to play: “Pavane for a Dead Princess.”
The gentle melody enveloped the room. A chord that hinted of shadow resonated. Amidst the sounds that blended together in a spiral, I could feel my heart trembling. Even when I played this song alone, I had to fight to keep the tears at bay; right now, there was Naomi. I tried to put all my focus into the movements of my fingers. If I didn’t, I would give in to the emotions.
Eventually, the song progressed to tres grave (very heavy). A surge of sound assaulted the room. I pressed down on the keys as hard as my fingers would allow. The chord let out a shriek-like lament. Inside this wooden box of a piano, the sound echoed with intensity.
The applause cut through the last of the note. I reluctantly stood up; I felt like letting out a deep sigh.
When I finished my performance, we went back to Naomi’s hospital room. A birthday cake was brought out, and we toasted with glasses of juice as a small party took place.
It was my second time hearing his stories, but there really was something unique about him. He was quiet, calm, and yet bright. I wasn’t sure if he sensed the strange atmosphere in the room. It wasn’t as if he were overbearing in the conversations, but whenever it seemed as if the conversation might die off, he kick started it again.
The topics were all upbeat ones. If such an amazing prosthetic leg truly did exist, then Naomi could even return to school. Although it might be asking for too much to be able to do ballet or rhythmic gymnastics, she could advance on to university and she could open more doors to her future…
I had planned on leaving by myself, but Tetsuya also got up and left the hospital room. Tetsuya had been in a dark mood all day. When I was playing the piano, he had a serious look on his face. It was probably the case that he wasn’t into classical music. He had hardly said a word even after the group had moved to Naomi’s hospital room.
“What is it?”
He didn’t try to speak anymore after that.