An hour after I arrived in the study room, the door opened. All at once my heart jumped out of my chest, and my stomach melted into my shoes.
"Hey," said Max. "You are here. Blake said you might be." He shut the door behind him. "I've been looking for you everywhere."
It felt like another dream. "You, um, you have?"
He nodded. "I even asked Dana if you were in your room. She didn't give me an answer though. Just glared at me."
"Well, I'm here," I said, unnecessarily.
Max sat down in the chair opposite me. "What are you reading?"
"Taming of the Shrew."
"Ha, I can relate to that guy's struggle." He cleared his throat. "We haven't really talked in a while."
"Yeah, I know." My heartbeat accelerated.
"I, um...I wanted to ask you if maybe you'd want to go with me to the ball?"
I froze. I was so shocked that I couldn't help but be honest. "We've hardly ever even talked."
"I know, I know." He shifted his weight. "I know. But I thought you might want to go with me anyway." He shook his head slightly, as if his words hadn't come out properly.
I could tell Johnny to forget it. It'd be mean. But I wanted to.
"Unless you're already going with someone," he added.
"I am." The disappointment was tingling in my every nerve. If only I hadn't run into Johnny. Why had I said yes?
"Ah. I'm not surprised."
I didn't know what to say. My chest was constricted, and no words would come to my mind besides profane ones.
"But we should be friends. You know? I just wanted to go as friends anyway." He straightened up.
"Right, friends, sure. We can still do that without the ball. Right?"
"Yeah. So I'll see you soon. The ball I guess." He gave a small smile and turned to go.
"Yeah. I'll see you then."
"You mind if I ask who you're going with?"
"Johnny Parker."
His face drained of expression.
"Are you guys together?"
"No, not at all."
He nodded. "All right, well, I'll see you around."
I wanted to scream. I wanted to kick something. He'd asked me. Max asked me. And I'd said no. But then he'd said he wanted to go as friends. My brain was doing cartwheels. I dragged my feet back to my room. There was no way I could keep reading.
"Oh, my God, you're going with Johnny?"
Madison and Julia burst into my room without knocking and spewed the question at me.
Dana, who was of course reading a book and pretending I wasn't in the room, glared at me. "Johnny Parker?"
"Of course Johnny Parker," said Madison.
Dana was still staring at me blankly, but with that look in her eye I'd seen in Dr. Morgan's office.
"I'm so glad you're not upset that Max didn't ask you. I mean, he is still totally in love with Becca." Julia sat down on my desk and looked pityingly at me.
"He did ask me," I said, enjoying the looks on their faces. "But I had already said yes to Johnny."
Dana was still staring at me.
Neither Madison nor Julia said anything right away. Finally Julia smiled, and said, "I mean, we did tell you not to go after him. His feelings for Becca... I mean..."
I breathed deeply. "I didn't go after him. And also it doesn't really matter. He's no one's property."
Another brief silence, and then Madison said, "Great! That's so great. Um, so, what are you going as?"
"I have no idea. I was thinking I might have to have my mom send me something I have at home, I have no clue what I'm gonna wear."
Madison smiled. "I'm sure you'll figure something out. You have two weeks after all."
"Could you guys finish up or go somewhere else? I'm going to sleep." Dana said it without apology.
Madison and Julia left with a quick goodbye to me.
As soon as they were gone, Dana asked, "You need a costume for the Halloween Ball?"
"I don't have anything yet, no." My tone was short and sharp, and I dug through my dresser drawer to find my pajamas.
"I might have something you can use."
"No, thanks."
"No really," she said earnestly, her face paler than I'd ever seen it. "I think it'll suit you. And I'm not going."
I wasn't sure if this was an olive branch she was extending or a trap. But I couldn't imagine how it could be the latter.
Dana pulled something from her closet. "Here, it's a Marilyn Monroe dress." She shrugged. "Wear it if you want to. "
I hesitated and then took the package. "If I can't find anything else."
Two weeks later, Halloween night It was 6:57 p.m. Four hours ago, I'd been in the front hall, waiting for the last shipment of mail to come in. There was no package for me. That meant no Snow White costume. I'd ordered it forever ago and paid for faster shipping.
After digging through my closet for an hour and trying to assemble something, I had to give up. Anything I'd do would look stupid and incredibly homemade. I didn't even have a nice dress to wear.
And then Dana reminded me of her offer. I took her up on it, and wore her extra costume. I had no choice. It was that or go as Daisy Duke.
"Dammit," I muttered, looking everywhere for the white sandals I'd set out. Finally I found them, underneath a pillow I had tossed aside in my search for them.
Dana was still in the room, silently watching me scurry. "You look good."
I swiped aside my sandy-not-platinum-blond hair from my eyes and threw on my coat for the walk to the dining hall.
I was confident. I felt good about myself for the first time in a while. I looked pretty good, if I did say so myself, and hoped Max would think so. I cringed a little as I wondered if he'd gotten another date. I cringed again at the fact that Johnny, my actual date, was not the one that I thought of first.
And what about Dana? Maybe she wasn't so bad after all. She had probably just lashed out because of her grief and was now trying to make up for it. I could forgive the awful things she'd said if she was trying to make up for them.
Johnny was waiting for me outside the dorm door.
"You look great," he said.
"You haven't even seen my costume yet." I smiled. "But thanks, you look good, too." He was wearing a normal tuxedo. I'd heard that that was what most of the guys did. We walked down the stairs. "I'm sorry I'm late. It's a fatal flaw of mine."
"No problem, that's a flaw in most girls." He smiled and gave me a wink.
The dining hall looked odd now that it had been cleared of its tables, chairs, food and surly employees. It was now darker than I'd ever seen it, with blue lights darting around the ceiling and walls while bass-heavy music filled the air and shook the marble floors. Everyone in costumes, in a place that should be familiar but was not, made it seem surreal. In the dim light it wasn't obvious who anyone really was. There were people in masks left and right, people with blood pouring from drawn-on wounds, zombies, ghosts, princesses, aliens and then me. I turned and jumped when I saw that Johnny had put on a Jason mask.
"God, that's awful," I said, laying a hand over my chest.
I couldn't see his face, but he had paused and was looking at me. "Are you taking off your coat?"
"Not yet, I'm freezing."
It wasn't strictly true. The problem was that I suddenly had no desire to unveil my costume. The dress was revealing and I had no confidence in it. It had not really struck me that I'd have to wear the costume in front of everyone. They'd think I was being a show-off-or trying to be. Someone else would probably even be wearing the same dress, and I'd pale in comparison. It felt more and more like the worst idea. Everyone already looked at me like I was an idiot. What would they do when they saw my dark blond hair barely holding a curl and a dress that gaped a little where bigger boobs should be?
"You're going to get hot in here."
"Oh, I'll be fine."
Johnny shrugged and led me through the crowd. My heart skipped as I laid eyes on Max. He was wearing a suit that looked prohibitionist-era, and it suited him perfectly. I smiled and waved at him, noticing that he was with Cam and Blake.
"Why are you wearing your coat? It's sweltering!" Blake said, after giving me a hug.
"Is it? I'm just so cold."
She nodded and then started talking to Johnny. Max looked at me.
I scrambled for something to say. "No date?"
He shook his head. "Nah. Didn't ask anyone. Except you, that is."
My stomach twisted. "Oh, I see. I like your costume."
"I don't know if I like yours."
"Why?"
He gave me a look. "I haven't seen it yet."
"Oh!" I laughed. Maybe I didn't need to be so nervous.
I took off my coat and revealed my dress. His smile vanished, and his jaw tightened.
Blake gasped, hand over her mouth, and she looked at Max.
"What?" I asked, my arms closed tightly over my chest. "I look stupid?"
I should have known it was worse than that.
Suddenly everyone was looking at me. Max looked like stone, and Johnny looked like the floor had fallen out from under him.
I looked to Blake.
"What is the matter?"
Max walked over to me and put his hand on my wrist tightly. "What is wrong with you? Why would you do that?" He let go. "Take it off. That's not your fucking dress."
He turned and walked out. Anyone who had been watching us was looking at me in shock or following him with their eyes.
Blake came close to me, so everyone else that was listening wouldn't hear her. "That's what...that's what she wore last year."
Blake must have seen the comprehension dawn on my face. She shook her head apologetically. "It's just that...for a minute it looked like...it looked like she was... It would be like her to show up like that."
I was dizzy. I had no words. I wanted to scream louder than I ever had, and without my permission, tears had begun to fall down my cheeks. All I could do was breathlessly look from Blake, who pitied me, to Johnny, who just looked concerned, and then to Madison and Julia who had just come up. Madison looked hesitant and worried. Julia looked shocked.
I ran out of the dining hall, ignoring Blake calling my name.
I burst in, and panted at Dana.
"Why would you do that to me?"
"Do what?" Dana spoke quietly, as if she hadn't just fed me to the wolves. "Oh, by the way," she reached under her bed, "this came for you last week."
She threw a white package onto my bed. It was from Costume Warehouse.
I wanted to cry. My throat was constricted and my knees weak. Where would people go with this? Would they start to think I was some kind of crazy person, desperate to be like her? Did they already think that?
"What did I do to you?" My eyes were burning. "Or to anyone else? I didn't know she was missing when I accepted this spot at school! It's not like I intentionally tried to replace her!"