Henry drove in a nail on the left. This done, he also drove one in the wall on the right.
"Why are you driving that second nail?" asked Mr. Killifer.
"Why, boss, dat's to save me de trouble of bringin' de ladder tomorrow when you come round to de missus's way of thinkin'," said Henry.
Mr. Brown met Mr. Jones on the street.
"Any news, Brown?" asked Jones.
"Nothing special. I've just been reading the Sunday paper. And I find one peculiar thing in it that may be news to you."
"What is it?"
"The Sunday paper says that women in ancient Egypt used to act as they pleased, live as they pleased, and dress as they pleased, without regard to what the men thought. Lucky we don't live in those times, what?"
"Mr. Brown, are you married?"
"What has that got to do with it? As a matter of fact, I'm not."
"I thought not."
"She calls her dog and her husband by the same pet name. It must cause frequent confusion."
"Not at all. She always speaks gently to the dog."
"Pa, a man's wife is his better half, isn't she?"
"We are told so, my son."
"Then if a man marries twice there isn't anything left of him, is there?"
_How the Row Started_
MR. BROWN--"I had a queer dream last night, my dear. I thought I saw another man running off with you."
MRS. BROWN--"And what did you say to him?"
MR. BROWN--"I asked him what he was running for."
Uncle Josh was comfortably lighting his pipe in the living-room one evening when Aunt Maria glanced up from her knitting.
"John," she remarked, "do you know that next Sunday will be the twenty-fifth anniversary of our wedding?"
"You don't say so, Maria!" responded Uncle Josh, pulling vigorously on his corncob pipe. "What about it?"
"Nothing," answered Aunt Maria, "only I thought maybe we ought to kill them two Rhode Island Red chickens."
"But, Maria," demanded Uncle Josh, "how can you blame them two Rhode Island Reds for what happened twenty-five years ago?"
GARDENER--"I am going to leave, sir. I can't stand the Missus!"
EMPLOYER--"Too strict, is she?"
GARDENER--"Yes, sir. She keeps forgetting that I can leave any time, and bosses me about just as if I was you!"
"Get away from here or I'll call my husband," threatened the hard-faced woman who had just refused the tramp some food.
"Oh, no, you won't," replied the tramp, "because he ain't home."
"How do you know?" asked the woman.
"Because," answered the man as he sidled toward the gate, "a man who marries a woman like you is only home at meal times."
FRIENDLY CONSTABLE--"Come, come, sir, pull yourself together; your wife's calling you."
CONVIVIAL GENT--"Wha' she call-calling me; Billy or William?"
CONSTABLE--"William, sir."
CONVIVIAL GENT--"Then I'm not going home."
HUSBAND (angrily)--"What! no supper ready? This is the limit! I'm going to a restaurant."
WIFE--"Wait just five minutes."
HUSBAND--"Will it be ready then?"
WIFE--"No, but then I'll go with you."
"Why have I never married?" the old bachelor said in reply to a leading question. "Well, once upon a time, in a crowd, I trod on a lady's gown. She turned furiously, beginning, 'You clumsy brute!' Then she smiled sweetly and said, 'Oh, I beg pardon! I thought you were my husband! No; it really doesn't matter in the least.'
"And when I came to think it over, I decided that maybe I'd just as well let marriage alone."
"I hear the sea captain is in hard luck. He married a girl and she ran away from him."
"Yes; he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper."