"Oh, to give a touch of realism;--we are now preparing our great Midsummer Fiction Number," was the great editor's kindly reply.--_E.C.H_.
MAJORITY
"You don't mean to tell me you ever doubt the wisdom of the majority?"
"Well," responded Senator Sorghum with deliberation, "what is a majority? In many instances it is only a large number of people who have got tired out trying to think for themselves and have decided to accept somebody else's opinion."
MARKSMANSHIP
"Why do you compare my marksmanship with lightning?" asked the recruit.
"Because," replied the instructor, "it never hits twice in the same place."
OFFICER (to recruit)--"Goodness gracious, man, where are all your shots going? Every one has missed the target."
SOLDIER (nervously)--"I don't know, sir. They left here all right."
MARRIAGE
"Hubby, if I were to die would you marry again?"
"That question is hardly fair, my dear."
"Why not?"
"If I were to say yes you wouldn't like it, and to say never again wouldn't sound nice."
THE PHRENOLOGIST--"Yes, sir, by feeling the bumps on your head I can tell exactly what sort of man you are."
MR. DOOLAN--"Oi belave it will give ye more ov an oidea wot sort ov a woman me woife is."--_Jack Canuck_.
Private Nelson got his leave, and made what he conceived to be the best use of his holiday by getting married.
On the journey back at the station he gave the gateman his marriage certificate in mistake for his return railway ticket.
The official studied it carefully, and then said:
"Yes, my boy, you've got a ticket for a long journey, but not on this road."
NORTH--"I see they're reviving the talk about trial marriages. Do you believe in them?"
WEST--"Well, mine is quite a trial, but I can't say I believe in it especially."
A young fellow took his elderly father to a football match.
"Father," he said as they took their seats, "you'll see more excitement for your five dollars than you ever saw before."
"Oh, I don't know," grunted the old man; "five dollars was all I paid for my marriage license."
George Washington Jones, colored, was trying to enlist in Uncle Sam's army, and the following conversation ensued with the recruiting officer:
"Name?"
"George Washington Jones, sah."
"Age?"
"I'se twenty-seven years old, sah."
"Married?"
"No, sah. Dat scar on mah haid is whar a mule done kicked me."
If marriage is a lottery, As saw smiths often say, The lucky gambler is, of course, The one who doesn't play.
--_Tennyson J. Daft_.
At the wedding reception the young man remarked: "Wasn't it annoying the way that baby cried during the whole ceremony?"
"It was simply dreadful," replied the prim little maid of honor; "and when I get married I'm going to have engraved right in the corner of the invitations: 'No babies expected.'"
"The man who gives in when he is wrong," said the street orator, "is a wise man; but he who gives in when he is right is--"
"Married!" said a meek voice in the crowd.
Mrs. Killifer desired that the picture be hung to the right of the door; Mr. Killifer wanted it hung to the left. For once the husband proved to be the more insistent of the two, and Henry, the colored man, was summoned to hang the picture according to Mr. Killifer's order.