_Child:_ "Mother, I _have_ been good to-day--so patient with Nurse."
The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils listened with respectful attention until he came to his final instruction.
"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain cool."
_Wife:_ "Yes, dear. I thought I'd buy you something you'd never think of buying for yourself."
_Husband_ (_as he gazes with horror at the canary-colored socks_): "Yes, dear, and you have succeeded."
_Podger_ (_to new acquaintance_): "I wonder if that fat old girl is really trying to flirt with me?"
_Cooler:_ "I can easily find out by asking her--she is my wife."
_Young Husband:_ "It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong with this cake."
_The Bride_ (_smiling triumphantly_): "That shows what you know about it. The cookery book says it's perfectly delicious."
_Wife_ (_referring to guest_): "He's a most attractive man; is he married?"
_Husband:_ "I dunno. He's a reserved chap--keeps all his troubles to himself!"
Questioning a class, an inspector asked:
"If you were to say to me, 'You was here yesterday,' would that be right?"
"No, sir," was the reply.
"And why not?"
"Please, sir, because you wasn't."
_Salesman:_ "Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is fool-proof."
_Sweet Thing_ (_placidly_): "No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you don't know my husband."
_The Stage Manager:_ "Now then, we're all ready, run up the curtain."
_The New Hand:_ "Wot yer talkin' about--'run up the curtain'--think I'm a bloomin' squirrel?"
_Old Gentleman_ (_to new gardener_): "Why do you always pull your barrow instead of pushing it?"
_The Gardener:_ "'Cause I 'ates the sight of the blooming thing."
"My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?"
"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round."
"But it's _pouring_! Why, I wouldn't send a dog out to golf in such weather."
_Lady_ (_who has purchased a ready-made dress_): "Tiresome this dress is. The fasteners come undone as quick as you do them up."
_Cook_ (_acting as lady's-maid_): "Yes'm, they do. That's why I wouldn't have it myself when I tried it on at the shop the other day."
HIS REPUTATION
_Waitress:_ "He ain't no good, Lil--he's one of these fellers wot chooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' fare to see wot he gets for it."
NOT UP-TO-DATE
_Penelope:_ "What made George and Alice break their engagement?"
_Clarissa:_ "He complained that she was too 'Effeminate' for the present day."
"Some wise person once said that silence was golden, did he not?"
"I believe so. Why?"
"I was just thinking how extravagant some women are."