_Wife_ (_at upper window_): "Where you bin this hour of the night?"
"I've bin at me union, considerin' this 'ere strike."
"Well--you can stay down there an' consider this 'ere lock-out."
_Motor-Launch Officer_ (_who has rung for full-speed without result_): "What's the matter?"
_Voice-from below:_ "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir."
_Commander:_ "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing--we want to get on."
_Mother:_ "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"
_Daughter:_ "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy.
He's looking after him just now."
JUSTIFICATION
_Wife:_ "_Two_ bottles of ginger ale, dear?"
_He:_ "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our wedding-day?"
_First Flapper:_ "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I hadn't paid any fare."
_Second Flapper:_ "And what did you do?"
_First Flapper:_ "I just glared back at him--as if I had!"
_Mollie_ (_who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"_): "Oh, Mummy! Anything but that! I'd rather have a hard smack--_anywhere you like_."
_Lady_ (_to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog_): "And if you find you can't cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of pain?--and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary patient."
_Governess:_ "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"
_Mollie:_ "Sugar and spice and all that's nice."
_Governess:_ "And what are little boys made of?"
_Mollie:_ "Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. I told Bobbie that yesterday, and he could _hardly_ believe it."
"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"
"Of course. Why ask?"
"Well, I couldn't find the beastly thing."
_Irate Parent:_ "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter good-night, did it ever dawn upon you--"
_The Suitor:_ "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that."
_Wife:_ "My dear, we've simply got to change our family doctor. He's so absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, 'Halloa!
Who is it speaking?'"
_Mrs. Goodheart:_ "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with your cast-off clothing?"
_Mr. Hardup:_ "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them on again in the morning."
"What's the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are you lost?"
"No," was the manful answer; "I ain't lost; I'm here. But I'd like to know where father and mother have wandered to."
_Helen's elder sister:_ "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours."
_Helen:_ "Well, I shouldn't like to live on one--it would be so horrid when it twinkled."
"Can I 'ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"
"You'll be back in the morning, I suppose?"
"Yus--if she don't get it."