_Artist_ (_in desperation_): "That, Sir, I consider the finest in my exhibition. You can have it for half the catalogue price."
_The Visitor:_ "Bless my soul! You don't say so. By the way, what is the price of the catalogue?"
"Well, Mollie, how do you like your new teacher?"
"I half like her, and I half don't like her. But I think I half don't like her most."
"Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents his compliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, would you be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bath stops overflowing through his ceiling?"
_Old Lady_ (_interrogating her chauffeur's small boy_): "Well, my little man, and do you know who I am?"
_Small Boy:_ "Yes, you're the old lady what goes for rides in my daddy's car."
_Parent:_ "I should like you to have 'good' in your report, and not always 'fair.'"
_Young Hopeful:_ "I daresay you would, Dad. But, you see, I'm an ordinary boy of ordinary parents, and that's an ordinary report."
_Optimist:_ "Cheer up, old man. Things aren't as bad as they seem."
_Pessimist:_ "No, but they seem so."
OUR MODERN INFANT
_Genial Uncle:_ "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?"
_Small Boy:_ "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring you up."
_Little Girl_ (_to Bride at wedding reception_): "You don't look nearly as tired as I should have thought."
_Bride:_ "Don't I, dear? But why did you think I should look tired?"
_Little Girl:_ "Well, I heard Mummy say to Dad that you'd been running after Mr. Goldmore for months and months."
A SUBTLE DISTINCTION
"I say--come and dance. This is a toppin' fox-trot they're playin'."
"Thanks--but I'm only waltzing this evening. We're still in mourning, you know."
_Specialist_ (_to patient suffering from insomnia_): "And did you try my plan of counting sheep coming through a gate?"
_Patient:_ "Well, I counted up to a hundred and twenty thousand and thirty-nine, and then it was time to get up."
_Neighbor_ (_bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast_): "You're wanted at 'ome, Charlie. Yer wife's just presented yer with another rebate off yer income-tax."
_Joan_ (_whose mother has just bought her a pair of woolen gloves_): "Oh, Mummy, I wish you had got kid. I hate this kind; they make my sweets so hairy."
_Lady_ (_to applicant for situation as cook_): "Have you been accustomed to have a kitchen-maid under you?"
_Cook:_ "In these days we never speak of having people 'under us.' But I have had colleagues."
_Father:_ "Look here, Billy, Mr. Smith called at the office this morning about your fight with his boy yesterday."
_Son:_ "Did he? I hope you got on as well as I did."
_Artist_ (_condescendingly_): "I did this last summer. It really isn't much good."
_Candid Friend:_ "No, it certainly isn't. But who told you?"
BLUE BLOOD
_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?"
_Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us."