_Small Girl:_ "I wonder how old Joan is?"
_Small Boy:_ "I bet she won't see four again."
_Mother:_ "Well, dear, has Jack kissed you under the mistletoe?"
_Mary_ (_demurely_): "Yes, Mummy."
_Mother:_ "And did you enjoy it?"
_Mary:_ "Yes, thank you, Mummy; but (_very demurely_) _I struggled_."
"Mollie, you haven't said your prayers."
"I'm going to say them in bed to-night."
"Oh, Mollie, that isn't etiquette."
_Applicant for Situation:_ "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"
TROUBLES OF THE NEW-POOR
"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner and--she's still looking at it through her lorgnette."
"I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?"
"Well, usually in a sweater."
_Small Boy_ (_walking round links with his father_): "Daddy, here's a ball for you."
_Father:_ "Where did you get that from?"
_Small Boy:_ "It's a lost ball, Daddy."
_Father:_ "Are you sure it's a lost ball?"
_Small Boy:_ "Yes, Daddy; they're still looking for it."
_Small Boy_ (_toying with dull blanc-mange_): "Please may I have an ice instead of finishing this--'cos I feel sick?"
THE NEW APPRECIATION
_Wife_ (_habitue of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her husband down_): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I wonder who he is?"
_Lady:_ "I've just been making my side ache over your latest book."
_Author_ (_delighted_): "Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?"
_Lady:_ "Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it."
_Employer_ (_inspecting a very inflated bill for work_): "Look here--how did you get at this amount?"
_Odd Jobs Man:_ "Well, Sir, didn't know how you'd prefer me to charge it up, so I just charged by time."
_Employer:_ "Oh, really! I thought you must have been charging by eternity."
_Tourist:_ "Have you any cold meat?"
_Waiter:_ "Well, we have some that's nearly cold, Sir."
_Lady:_ "If you please, Cook, may we have steak and onions for lunch to-day?"
_Cook:_ "You can have steak, but I'm afraid I can't let you have onions.
You see, I'm going out this afternoon, and onions always make my eyes so red."
_Small Boy_ (_on being told by cousin that she is engaged to be married_): "Oh! (_long pause_) and what did your husband say when he engaged you?"
_Master:_ "But why do you want to get married, Jones?"
_Butler:_ "Well, Sir, _I don't want my name to die out_."