Small Girl: "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."
Smaller Girl (with air of superiority): "My mummy was married years ago."
"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"
"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o' work for it."
Office Boy (anxious to go to football match): "May I have the afternoon off, Sir? My grand--"
Employer: "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last week."
Office Boy: "Yes, Sir; but-my grandfather's getting married again this afternoon."
Minister's Wife: "My husband was asking only this morning why you weren't in the habit of attending church."
Latest Inhabitant: "Well, you see, it does so cut into one's Sundays."
"Two mistakes here, waiter-one in your favor, one in mine."
"In your favor, Sir? Where?"
Mistress: "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."
Cook: "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very near broke me jaw already."
Gushing Lady: "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honest fellow too."
Cynic: "Bigamist!"
Mother: "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel very bad, dear?"
Augustus: "Thank you-I'm only dying."
New Butler: "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"
Profiteer: "What time do the best people dine?"
New Butler: "At different times, Sir."
Profiteer: "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."
Fond Mamma: "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear father with quite the proper respect."
Young Hopeful; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."
Playful Hostess: "Couldn't you manage one more eclair?"
Serious Little Boy: "No, fanks, I've no more room."
Playful Hostess: "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would that help?"
Serious Little Boy (after deep thought): "No, fanks, that would make the space at the wrong end."
Vicar's Wife: "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"
Ethel: "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for his birthday."
Vicar's Wife: "Oh-and what are you writing in it?"
Ethel: "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the author's compliments.'"
THE OBSTACLE.
George: "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn't been for something she said."
Fred: "What did she say?"
George: "No!"
CHANGING THE SUBJECT.
She: "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk about myself all evening."
He: "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better."
She: "Very well, then! Suppose you talk about me for a while."
"I say, Taxi, I've only got enough change to pay the exact fare. D'you mind taking a cheque for the tip?"
A CHANCE LOST.
"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"
"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument if he had said which one."
He: "I never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr. Preachly married an actress."
She: "Oh, yes! It is she who rehearses him in those beautiful extempore sermons he preaches."
DURING THE QUARREL.
He: "But if you will allow me to--"
She: "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken and I can prove it."
CONDITIONAL.
Eloping Bride: "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter."
Bridegroom: "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling-so long as he doesn't do it when we get back."
JUST IGNORANCE.
He (dejectedly): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel."
She: "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know anything about love?"
ALL IN ONE BREATH.
Wife: "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the way, what are you going to buy him?"
A YOUNG PHILOSOPHER.
"Mamma!"
"What is it, dear?"
"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know the answer to."