Applicant for Situation: "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"
TROUBLES OF THE NEW-POOR.
"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner and-she's still looking at it through her lorgnette."
"I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?"
"Well, usually in a sweater."
Small Boy (walking round links with his father): "Daddy, here's a ball for you."
Father: "Where did you get that from?"
Small Boy: "It's a lost ball, Daddy."
Father: "Are you sure it's a lost ball?"
Small Boy: "Yes, Daddy; they're still looking for it."
Small Boy (toying with dull blanc-mange): "Please may I have an ice instead of finishing this-'cos I feel sick?"
THE NEW APPRECIATION.
Wife (habitue of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her husband down): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I wonder who he is?"
Lady: "I've just been making my side ache over your latest book."
Author (delighted): "Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?"
Lady: "Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it."
Employer (inspecting a very inflated bill for work): "Look here-how did you get at this amount?"
Odd Jobs Man: "Well, Sir, didn't know how you'd prefer me to charge it up, so I just charged by time."
Employer: "Oh, really! I thought you must have been charging by eternity."
Tourist: "Have you any cold meat?"
Waiter: "Well, we have some that's nearly cold, Sir."
Lady: "If you please, Cook, may we have steak and onions for lunch to-day?"
Cook: "You can have steak, but I'm afraid I can't let you have onions. You see, I'm going out this afternoon, and onions always make my eyes so red."
Small Boy (on being told by cousin that she is engaged to be married): "Oh! (long pause) and what did your husband say when he engaged you?"
Master: "But why do you want to get married, Jones?"
Butler: "Well, Sir, I don't want my name to die out."
Artist (in desperation): "That, Sir, I consider the finest in my exhibition. You can have it for half the catalogue price."
The Visitor: "Bless my soul! You don't say so. By the way, what is the price of the catalogue?"
"Well, Mollie, how do you like your new teacher?"
"I half like her, and I half don't like her. But I think I half don't like her most."
"Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents his compliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, would you be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bath stops overflowing through his ceiling?"
Old Lady (interrogating her chauffeur's small boy): "Well, my little man, and do you know who I am?"
Small Boy: "Yes, you're the old lady what goes for rides in my daddy's car."
Parent: "I should like you to have 'good' in your report, and not always 'fair.'"
Young Hopeful: "I daresay you would, Dad. But, you see, I'm an ordinary boy of ordinary parents, and that's an ordinary report."
Optimist: "Cheer up, old man. Things aren't as bad as they seem."
Pessimist: "No, but they seem so."
OUR MODERN INFANT.
Genial Uncle: "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?"
Small Boy: "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring you up."
Little Girl (to Bride at wedding reception): "You don't look nearly as tired as I should have thought."
Bride: "Don't I, dear? But why did you think I should look tired?"
Little Girl: "Well, I heard Mummy say to Dad that you'd been running after Mr. Goldmore for months and months."
A SUBTLE DISTINCTION.
"I say-come and dance. This is a toppin' fox-trot they're playin'."
"Thanks-but I'm only waltzing this evening. We're still in mourning, you know."
Specialist (to patient suffering from insomnia): "And did you try my plan of counting sheep coming through a gate?"
Patient: "Well, I counted up to a hundred and twenty thousand and thirty-nine, and then it was time to get up."
Neighbor (bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast): "You're wanted at 'ome, Charlie. Yer wife's just presented yer with another rebate off yer income-tax."
Joan (whose mother has just bought her a pair of woolen gloves): "Oh, Mummy, I wish you had got kid. I hate this kind; they make my sweets so hairy."
Lady (to applicant for situation as cook): "Have you been accustomed to have a kitchen-maid under you?"
Cook: "In these days we never speak of having people 'under us.' But I have had colleagues."
Father: "Look here, Billy, Mr. Smith called at the office this morning about your fight with his boy yesterday."
Son: "Did he? I hope you got on as well as I did."
Artist (condescendingly): "I did this last summer. It really isn't much good."
Candid Friend: "No, it certainly isn't. But who told you?"
BLUE BLOOD.
Mrs. Profiteer: "Is this a pedigree dog?"
Dealer: "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us."
Small Bridesmaid (loudly, in middle of ceremony): "Mummie, are we all getting married?"