Girl: I'd like you to see less of me 'cause I'm on a diet.
Guy: I'd like to take you to dinner.
Girl: Sounds good. Will you be able to pick me up again afterwards?
Guy: Kiss me and I'll tell you a secret.
Girl: I know your secret pal - I work at the clinic.
Guy: Hi my name is Frank. You'll want to remember that so you know what to scream latter.
Girl: Yea, you do look like an axe murderer.
Guy: Want to go all the way baby?
Girl: Yea, as long as it's in different directions.
Guy: Shall we go to your place or mine?
Girl: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Guy: When should I phone you?
Girl: Whenever I'm not there.
Guy: Would you like another drink?
Girl: Do you really think our relationship will last that long?
Guy: Would you like to join me?
Girl: Why, are you falling apart?
Guy: You seem to me like a nice girl.
Girl: That's right! And it's why I won't go anywhere near you.
Guy: Your face is absolutely perfect.
Girl: So is yours ... for radio work.
Ladies personal ads - How to decode them...
What the ad says What it means 40-ish 49 Adventurous Slept with all your mates Athletic No tits Average looking Has a face like an arse Beautiful Pathological liar Contagious Smile Does a lot of pills Educated Was fucked to bits at Uni'
Emotionally Secure On medication Feminist Fat and ugly Free spirit Junkie Friendship first Former slut Fun Annoying Gentle Dull Good Listener Autistic New-Age Body hair problems Old-fashioned No Blow Jobs or anal Open-minded Desperate Outgoing Loud and Embarrassing Passionate Sloppy drunk Poet Depressive Professional Bitch Romantic Frigid Social Fanny like a wizards cuff Voluptuous Very Fat Large lady Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate Stalker Widow Murderer.
Q: Where does Tarzan buy his loan clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale.
Did you hear about the famous Japanese explorer?
His name was "Taka Haiku."
A word of advice.
Teenage lad: Grandpa, what's the best bit of advice you could give someone my age about women?
Grandpa: Never make a porno movie with a woman that's got big hands. It makes your dick look small!
The skunk.
An American couple are driving in the country when they see a wounded skunk by the side of the road. They stop and the woman gets out to help it. She picks it up and brings it into the car.
"Look," she says, "it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
"Put it between your legs," replies the husband "and cover it over with your skirt."
"But what about the smell?" protests the wife.
"Don't worry about that," replies the husband, "Just hold its nose."
Two SARS bugs are leave the pub after a night of heavy drinking, one turns to his pal and says, "Do know what? I could bloody murder a Chinese."
Did you hear about the guy that ordered a pizza delivery from his local firm? He asked for a thin and crusty supreme, so they sent him Diana Ross.
A little girl goes to the barbers with her father and while he is having a hair cut she stands next to the barber eating a cake. The barber smiles down at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're going get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies, "and I'm going to big tits as well."
Sean Connery gets a call from his agent.
"Sean," the agent says, "I've got you a job, it starts early tomorrow. You'll have to be there for Ten-ish."
"Ten-ish? Scowls Sean, "but I don't even have a racket."
A satellite TV company have just won the rights to screen the World's first Origami Championships. They say, "It will only available on Paper View."
Little Johnny.
A class of school kids are on a field trip in a country village. When they get to the local church the teacher points to the weather vain on top of the church spire and asks, "Who can tell me the name of the big metal bird on the rooftop there?"
"Miss, Miss," says little Johnny, "Its called a weathercock!"
"Well done," says the teacher, "and can you tell me anything else about it?"
"Well yes," says Johnny, "if it was a weather cunt the wind would blow straight through!"
The fortune-teller.
A guy is wandering around a seaside resort with a few minutes to kill when he sees a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it will be a laugh he goes inside.
"Ah," says the mystic woman as she gazes into her crystal ball, "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," the man scoffs, "I'm the father of THREE children."
"Ah," says the mystic as she grins, "That's what YOU think."
Q and A.
Q: Why do the mafia hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
A: The Mafia hate any kind of witness.
Q: Why are most Italian-American men called Tony?
A: On the way to America they all had the same suite case sticker it said, "TO NY."
Q: Why are airhostesses always getting pregnant?