"Will this cleanse me of my sins?" asks young woman.
"No," replies the priest, "but it should wipe that smile off of your face!"
The Sunday Golf Game.
A was preacher an avid golfer and liked to play every chance he can get. One Sunday it was a perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, not a cloud in the sky and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary, should he play golf or observe the Sabbath? Eventually, the urge to play golf overcame him! So he called an assistant and told him that he was sick. He packed his clubs into his car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course on his own.
While the preacher was playing, an angel noticed him and was really quite angry. He went straight to God and said, "Look at that preacher playing golf on the Sabbath. He should be punished for that."
"You're right," said god.
As preacher teed up on the second hole, he swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup four hundred yards away, a perfect hole-in- one. The preacher was amazed and excited.
The angel turned to God and said, "He just got a hole-in-one. I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled and said, "Think about it - who can he tell?"
Knock Knock...
Q: whose there?
A: Doris Q: Doris who?
A: Door is locked, please let me in!
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: What is the difference between an England cricketer and a condom?
A: An England Cricketer drops the catch...
Q: Why do all the trees in England lean to the East?
A: Because Europe sucks!
Q: What is the worst thing about the European parliament?
A: Its above sea level.
Q: Why are French woman such good swimmers?
A: Because the British threw all their ugly women into the sea.
Girl Talk.
First Girl: "How did you get on with that blind date you met last night?"
Second Girl: "O, he made a lasting impression alright."
First Girl: "So you'll be seeing him again then?"
Second Girl: "No. Out side the restaurant, he stepped in wet cement!"
First Girl: "So how did you get on with that bloke you took back to your hotel room last night?"
Second Girl: "O, It was a disaster! He suffered from premature evacuation."
First Girl: "What? You mean ejaculation, right?"
Second Girl: "No I mean evacuation. The fire alarm went off."
Guy: I'm a doctor, what is your appendix doing tonight? I'd love to take it out.
Girl: Very funny. You should be on the television then I could turn you off.
Guy: I'm a magician. Would you like me to perform a spell for you?
Girl: OK, can you make yourself disappear?
Guy: I'm a photographer for a model agency: I've been looking for a face like yours.
Girl: Yea and I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Guy: I'm a postman, so you can rely on me to deliver a large package.
Girl: Sorry, I don't date guys that only come once a day.
Guy: Are you free tomorrow night?
Girl: No, but I'm on special offer the day after.
Guy: What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
Girl: Trying to avoid scum like you.
Guy: Where have you been all my life?
Girl: What do you mean - I wasn't even born for the first half of it.
Guy: Can I spend the evening with you?
Girl: No. I gave up baby-sitting years ago.
Guy: Cheer up darling, it may never happen.
Girl: What do you mean? It just has.
Guy: Do you know what would look good on you?
Girl: No?
Guy: Me.
Guy: Going so soon? Stay a little longer and let me get you a drink.
Girl: Just give me the cash, I'll get one tomorrow.
Guy: Hey, don't go yet... you've forgotten something.
Girl: What?
Guy: Me.
Guy: I have designs on you.
Girl: Yea, well I think you'd better go back to the drawing board.
Guy: Hi, I never forget a face.
Girl: Neither do I, but in your case I'll make an exception.
Guy: I'd like to marry you.
Girl: I'd rather skip straight to the divorce, some you can give me half of you money.
Guy: I'd like to see more of you.