American Tourists.
A tour busload full of noisy American tourists arrives at Runnymede in England. The group gather around the guide, who explains, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A man pushes his way to the front of the crowd and asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," replies the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "O Man! We've just missed it by a half hour!"
Sound Advice.
A guy says to his pal, "I am passing this tip onto you because it's worked for me. By following this simple advice I've finally found inner peace!"
"O yea," says his pal, "So what's this magic tip?"
"The way to achieve inner peace," the guy continues, "is to finish all the things you've started! Today, I finished one bottle of red wine, a bottle of Vodka, a packet of Prozac, a box of chocolates and a half-gallon of ice cream. And you've no idea just how great I feel!"
Petrol.
Two Irishmen own a petrol station that's slowly going bust. The first one says to his partner, "I've got an idea. Let's close the petrol station and open a brothel!"
"Now how will that help?" his pal replies, "If we can't sell petrol, how are we going to sell soup?"
A crook in Paris.
A crook in Paris stole several paintings from the Louvre. However, he was captured when his minivan ran out of gas. How could this happen? The crook explained, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make de Van Gogh."
A fool never learns from his mistakes; but a wise man does.
However, an enlightened man learns from the mistakes of others.
Which are you?
The Art Teacher.
Did you hear about the Art Teacher that made her class do nude body painting?
When she lost her job and couldn't find another one, people said its was a case of 'Miss-Paint-Youth'.
Did you hear about Irish politician?
He thought that Miss-Stick-Treaty was a free EU bondage session.
The Actor.
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent, who says excitedly, "I've got you a job! Its playing Long John Silver and the salary is 1000 pounds a week. You start next Tuesday."
"A 1000 pounds a week! Hey I'll start on Monday for that," says the actor.
"You can't," replies the agent, "you're having your leg off on Monday."
Q: Did you hear about the photographer whose pictures wouldn't develop?
A: She said it was a very negative experience!
Q: Did you hear about the student that was doing badly at photograph school?
A: His teachers said he lacked focus.
Did you hear about the new sex education manual for short-sighted people?
It's going to be called the Joy of Specs.
Q: Why do policemen have bigger balls than firemen?
A: They sell more tickets!
Q: Why do nursing staff give viagra to the older male patients?
A: It stops them rolling out of bed.
Did you hear about the digital photographer that had an argument with his model about some pictures?
The model said it was a nasty TIFF.
Facts Men Wish Women Knew!
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't bother asking us.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different it's just like every other cat.
Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.