Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should be changed regularly...and for the same reason!
Did you hear about the mountain climber that wouldn't change their cloths on top of a mountain? They thought someone might peak.
A pal of mines is so unlucky. The other day he got a paper cut from a Get Well card.
Taxi Driver.
A passenger in a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, nearly hits a bus, drives up over the curb and stops just inches from a large plate glass window. For a moment everything is silent, then the driver shouts, "Don't ever do that again. You scared the shit out of me."
The Flabbergasted passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder would frighten you so much."
"Sorry, it's really not your fault," replies the driver, "Today is my first day driving a cab, I've been driving a hearse for the last 5 years."
Two Double Whiskeys.
A woman walks into a bar and orders two double whiskeys. She then picks up both drinks and pours them both over her fanny.
"What did you do that for?" enquires the barman.
"I've just won the lottery," she replies, " and this is the only cunt I'm sharing it with!"
The Drink.
A doctor always stops off at a cocktail bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender has the drink waiting at precisely 6:03 p.m.
One afternoon, the bartender is gutted when he find he's run out of hazelnut extract. So he throws together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts.
The doctor comes in at his regular time and takes a sip, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" he exclaims.
"No, I'm sorry," says the bartender. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
What's special about the following sentence?
A big cuddly dog emitted fierce growls, happily ignoring joyful kids licking minute nuts on pretty queer rotten smelly toadstools underneath vampires who x-rayed young zombies.
The first letter of each word makes up the entire alphabet in order!
What's wrong with a Parrot that says, "Pieces of eight, Pieces of eight, Pieces of nine...awk! Pieces of eight."
It's got a Parrotty error!
The dangers of email.
A guy leaves the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife is on a business trip and plans to meet him there the next day.
When he reaches his hotel he decides to send his wife a quick email. But, unable to find her email address he has to type it from memory.
Unfortunately, he misses one letter and his note is directed to an elderly preacher's wife. Even worst the woman's husband has died the previous day. When the grieving widow checks her email, she takes one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and faints. Hearing the commotion her family rush into the room and find this note on the screen.
DEAREST WIFE, JUST CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S.
SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
Q: Did you hear about the baker who ran out of ingredients for bread making?
A: It happened when he yeast expected it.
Did you hear about the bankrupt baker?
He ran out of dough.
Q: Why did the bakers go on strike?
A: They kneed extra dough.
Q: Why were the bakers given a bag of yeast by the management?
A: They said they needed a rise.
Did you hear about the optician that was so obsessed with his business he made a spectacle of himself!
First date.
A virgin is going out on her first date and she tells her grandmother about it. The grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do it. He is going to try to feel your breasts, you are going to like that, but don't let him do it. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that, but don't let him do it. But most importantly, he is going to try and get on top of you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that, it'll disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day the girl can't wait to tell her grandmother what's happened.
"Grandmother," says the girl, "I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried to get on top of me, I flipped him onto his back and disgraced his family."
Dreams.
A guy walks into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you've got to help me! Every night I dream that I'm a sports car.
Last night I dreamt I was a Jaguar, the night before I dreamt I was a Ferrari and the night before that I was a Porsche. What does it mean?"
"It means," says the doc, "that you are having an auto-body experience."
It's a miracle.
A guy on crutches hobbles into a church. He stops in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then throws away his crutches. An alter boy witnessing the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he's just seen.
"Son," says the priest, "you've just witnessed a miracle! Now tell me, where is this man?"
"Flat on his back by the holy water," the boy replies.
The Lion King.
A hungry lion comes across two men in Africa. One man is sitting under a tree reading a book and the other is typing away on his laptop PC. After surveying the scene the lion jumps on the man reading the book, kills him and eats him. This just goes to prove that even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and where as writers cramp!
Q: Where do King Arthur and the medieval porn stars live?
A: Cum-a-lot.
Q: What's the difference between a singles bar and a circus?
A: The clowns don't talk at the circus.