King Cole.
Old King Cole, you know the one - the merry old soul, issues an order to his cooks.
"From now on, all chopped cabbage must be mixed with mayonnaise."
To this day his decree is still in place known as... Cole's Law.
Lizards.
A guy walks into a bar with a lizard sitting on his shoulder.
He says to the bartender, " A double whiskey for me," and pointing to the lizard, "A half-pint of Guinness for Tiny here."
"Why do you call him Tiny?" asks the bartender.
"O" The man answers, ... "Because he's my newt."
Q: If someone starts cyber squatting on you web address what should you do?
A: Call in the Bailiffs, and e-victim!
Q: What's the best email software for Easter?
A: The most Egg-cellent program is definitely Microsoft Eggs-press!
The Perfect Mate.
Three women are talking about their ideal of the perfect mate. The youngest says, "My perfect mate must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and keep me company in the long winter evenings"
Her mother's friend replies, "If what you're looking for get a TV!"
Relatives.
A married couple have been driving in the country without speaking for half an hour, an earlier argument having led to the frosty atmosphere.
As they pass a field full of pigs, the husband sarcastically asks, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replies, "In-laws."
The perfect woman.
A guy goes to see his shrink, and the shrink asks, "What do you look for in a woman?"
"Big Boobs." Replies the guy.
"No, I mean for a serious relationship." Replies the shrink.
"Oh, if its going to be serious, very big boobs."
"No, no, no. I mean what would you look for, in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
The guy just sits on the couch and bursts out laughing. "Hey Doc. No woman's Boobs are that big!"
Q: What chat up line did Pinocchio use to pick up Barbie?
A: Hi Barbie for the night of your life, come and sit on my face and lie to me!
The Inland Revenue Genie.
A guy is ship wrecked and washes up on a tropical island. After surveying the island he finds plenty of food and water, but is totally alone.
After a few days he finds an old looking bottle washed up on the seashore. When he opens it a Genie appears and says, "I'm the inland revenue Genie. I represent the British Government and I'll give you one wish."
"Hum", says the guy, "I've got plenty of food and water, but I'm really lonely. I wish I had beautiful women here that will want and need me."
Whoosh! In a puff of smoke the Genie vanishes and beautiful woman appears totally naked.
"Hi baby, how about some sex?" says the guy.
"Sorry says not right now," says the woman pointing to a tampon string hanging from between her legs.
"God Dam" says the guy, "That's just typical of the Government. When they give you something there's always a Bloody string attached!"
Baldness cure.
A guy that's a little thin on top visits the barbers. Once he's had a trim he asks the barber, "Any suggestions on how to treat my baldness?" After a brief pause the barber leans over and confides, "The best cure that I've come across is female love juice"
"But you're balder than I am," protests the customer.
"Yea," admits the barber, "but I've got one hell of a moustache!"
FRENCH JOKES.
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows, they've never tried it.
Q: What does the new French national flag look like?
A: It's a white cross on a white background.
Q: Why did the French plant trees on the Champs Elysees?
A: So the Germans could march in the shade.
Q: Where do you find 60 million French jokes?
A: In France.
Q: What's the difference between a Wonder bra and the French World Cup squad?
A: A Wonder bra has decent support - and a cup.
Q: What is the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast.
Q: How do you define confusion?
A: Father's Day in Paris.
Q: What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
A: Philippe Flop
Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
A: How to say "I surrender" in German.
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in France?