Q: How do you know when the wife about to say something smart?
A: The sentence begins with "A man once told me..."
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There's a clock on the cooker!
Q: Why do men pass gas more than women do?
A: Women never have their mouths closed long enough to build up pressure.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which one should you let in first?
A: The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorcee.
Q: I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was A: Always.
Q: If a guy hasn't spoken to his wife for 18 months why is that?
A: He doesn't like to interrupt her.
Q: What food seriously diminishes a woman's sex drive?
A: Wedding cake
Confucius says:
Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.
Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
Man who have head up ass, have shitty outlook on life.
A streakier is someone who is unsuited for his work.
He who gives oral sex to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.
A Prostitutes going rate.
A man gets home and finds his wife packing a suitcase. "Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm moving to Las Vegas." She replies, "I've heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do with you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks.
"I'm going to Vegas as well. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"
Make way for fools.
A professor is walking along a very narrow street when he comes face to face with a rival. The street is too narrow for two people to pass. The rival pulls himself up to his full height, says sarcastically, "I never make way for fools!"
Smiling, the professor steps and says, "O, I always do!"
PUNS
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A boiled egg for lunch is hard to beat.
When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Young lovers.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he's back inside, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and say, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that helps.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "God Damn, don't your ears ever get cold?"
What a smell.
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she has a smelly vagina.
She explains the problem and the doctor tells her to take all her clothes off and lie on the examination table.
He inspects her quickly and then says, "Right, just give me a second, please."
He goes behind the screen and comes back with a long stick that has a hook on the end.
"Oh my god!" screams the woman, "what are you going to do with that?"
The doctor replies, "I'm going to open a window. It bloody stinks in here."
The Clone.
After a lot of experiments a scientist finally succeeds in cloning himself. The trouble is, all his clone will do was sit around and curse all day.
After a week of 'F this and F that' the scientist is totally fed up with his clone. So the next time the clone is near the window, on the 10th floor, he pushes him out!
A short time later there's a knock at the door. Amazingly it's the clone, still cursing, and a policeman.
"Something wrong?" asks the scientist.
"Yes", says the copper, "I'm going to have to arrest you for making an obscene clone fall!"
Goats.
Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating old movie film. One goat says to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat says, "Yeah, ... but it's not as good as the book."
Poker.
The lion is complaining a tiger about his losses at poker.
"What do you expect," says the tiger. "You were playing a cheetah."