So I'll share with you something that's CRITICAL for you to know about men, commitment, and relationships...
A man NEVER makes a commitment to a woman as a result of a conversation or because she says she wants to be in a committed relationship with him - at least not one that lasts and is healthy and fulfilling for both the man and the woman.
Think about it for a minute...
It's important to point something out here that surrounds a common myth women hold. Women believe that they have to have "the talk" with a man because this "talk" is the means that creates a commitment.
Wrong.
The truth is that while talking about commitment is an important step in building and strengthening things with a man, the "true" commitment doesn't have anything to do with any conversation of words a man and a woman ever really have.
In other words, for a man, a commitment is a culmination of several things that happen at a much deeper level. No conversation can ever replace or be as strong as the internal decision that a guy makes about you.
It's helpful to think of creating a relationship with a man like inflating a balloon. You can't see what the balloon will look like when it's full or exactly how it will expand in the beginning.
So if you want the balloon to be big and beautiful, you've got to start with the right one. You can't pick up a little party balloon, start inflating it, and then get upset when it isn't the hot-air balloon you can fly away on.
If you want to make sure the balloon doesn't burst, then you've got to get an idea of how much air you can put into it ::: 48 :::.
initially and how quickly. If you go too fast and add too much air, the entire balloon will explode. Balloons need to stretch and adjust as they take on new larger shapes.
If you have the wrong balloon, it won't ever become what you want it to become no matter how hard you try to fill it.
Unfortunately, most women don't approach situations with men this way. Instead, on a deep level, they hold on to a pre-packaged idea of what a relationship with a man should be like, ignoring the shape of their "balloon" and later wondering why things don't work out the way in the way they expected.
I call this the "He-Owes-Me-My-Perfect-Relationship"
relationship approach. It's when the woman is trying for an idealistic relationship that really has NOTHING to do with the man they're dating.
The tell-tale signs of the "He-Owes-Me-My-Ideal-Relationship" relationship approach are: * Assuming That What You Want Is What He Assuming That What You Want Is What He Wants Wants. When the woman feels such an amazing connection with a man, she assumes he'll want all the same things she wants. Then the woman's assumptions become so strong and real that they become beliefs, so anything different from how they see things also becomes unacceptable.
* Hiding Unspoken Expectations Hiding Unspoken Expectations. Women often come into a relationship with a strong idea of what they want and where things should go. But lots of women don't share these expectations with the man because they either don't know how or are afraid they'll scare the man off.
It's OK to have ideals, but if a woman never communicates in a sensible way what she wants with a man because she is afraid of "scaring him off" and wants to avoid all of a man's negative triggers and defenses, then the man and woman will be working from different expectation levels, which creates all kinds of conflict.
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* Thinking "Commitment" Too Soon Thinking "Commitment" Too Soon. Women can see relationships in ways that don't account for what men really want. Often a woman ends up in a situation where she has committed herself only to find out that the man isn't as emotionally invested, which makes everything into an uphill battle. If you commit yourself before he has committed, you'll create pressure, anxiety, and tension in the relationship that doesn't have to exist.
* Banking On His Potential Banking On His Potential. Some women secretly hold onto the idea that a man will choose to settle down in the near future, even when the man says he's not ready or it's not what he wants. The women think that since they have such a strong connection the man will eventually find his inevitable desire for a relationship. The woman keeps things going and continues the relationship because of the man's potential to be the boyfriend or husband she wants.
There's a common thread with all the signs of the "He-Owes-Me-My-Ideal-Relationship" relationship approach: the beliefs and actions of the women are about HER perspective on the strength and sustainability of the connection and feelings they each have, which doesn't honestly weigh the man's perspective and position.
The truth is that the woman's desires and expectations stay with her and eventually come to the surface. When these feelings come out, they create intense interactions and "drama" because of the passive-aggressive feelings both the man and woman develop.
And guess what happens with a man here? He has NO IDEA what in the world is going on with the woman. All he can see is that out of nowhere the woman has become extremely emotional, disappointed, and upset for not meeting her expectations.
It's hardly a way to draw someone closer to you.
Some people don't agree with this way of thinking, but ::: 50 :::.
I'm telling you this because I've seen so many women become unhappy and frustrated this way. Becoming MORE honest with your desires and LESS concerned with the immediate outcome will help you see more of the reality of your situation. And in turn this will change your short-term expectations and your outlook, which will help you have a better time and better odds of having a happy love life.
The "Convincer"
A pattern that can quickly destroy relationships with men is when women deal with a man's resistance or uncertainty by trying to "convince" him to change or to do something.
It could be about something as small as where to eat or as big as making a commitment, but trying to change his ways can spell the beginning of the end.
Women who take on the "Convincer" role try to control and carry the relationship by telling the man how things should be based. These women don't take into account what the man is feeling and experiencing.
Convincers don't see that all the changes they're struggling for come at their own expense. They might whine, beg, plead, exaggerate, cry, get angry, or pout as they try to fix things according to their expectations. But a woman can't convince a man to change any more than a man can convince a woman to stop feeling what she feels. There's no way to force a good relationship. Convincing only leads to a closed-off and distant man who will become more and more distant until the relationship is over.
When you act like a Convincer, a whole other nasty set of issues comes into play. First, you'll end up working harder on the relationship only to run into more and more resistance.
You've got to change your approach. Convincing behavior damages or destroys more developing relationships between men and women than anything else. But trying to convince people is such a normal response to resistance and done in such a subtle way that women don't often realize that they're doing it.
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Let me give you an example...
If you're close to a man and you've spent some time with him, then you'll have a reasonable idea of how receptive he is with you. Directly or indirectly, what he says and does (or doesn't do) communicates what he wants and what he doesn't want.
And YES... when it comes to a man, if he's actively NOT talking about moving things forward and showing an interest in the future, if he doesn't ask about your deeper thoughts and desires, and he doesn't ask or take an interest about your family and friends, then it counts as indirect communication that he's not that interested in a future with you.
So what happens if what a man wants is different from what you want?
You'll never change the way a man feels and what he wants by trying to convince him through a conversation to see it your way. Ever.
In fact, if you're trying to have this type of conversation, it's a guarantee that he'll resist what you want because of the way convincing plays out. One of the most common and predictable human psychological responses is responding to convincing behaviors with RESISTANCE.
Here's an example: Have you ever talked with someone who wants to sell, buy, or get something from you?
He or she usually start out by being nice or complimentary to you. You might sense that something is a little off, but the conversation feels fine until all of a sudden you get that weird vibe when you realize what's going on.
And then it hits you... "This person is just trying to convince me to do something for them..."
Right at that moment your whole perspective on the conversation and the other person changes. The way you see ::: 52 :::.
their compliments, voice tone, and mannerisms instantly changes. All you can hear is how they're trying to talk you into doing something, and it makes your body tense up.
This is your body's natural way of resisting when it feels pressure from another person.
And by the way, women react to convincing with resistance too, just like men. Back in college, I tried to make a woman interested in me who obviously wasn't into me. I bought her flowers and cute little gifts all the time because I hoped it would make her want me. I was absolutely sure that if I could just get her to listen to my feelings and my perspectives that she'd naturally fall for me too.
One day I built up my courage and had "the big talk" with her I shared all my deepest feelings.
Guess what happened?
Ouch! REJECTION!
Even though I made an eloquent confession about my feelings, all I got was resistance and rejection. And she felt pretty uncomfortable too. Looking back, I was pretty dumb and I didn't get what was going on at all. Of course I got rejected.
Honestly, I don't think I've ever done such a great job of killing any attraction a woman might have felt for me.
Convincing and other pleading types of behaviors have deep, negative effects. With men, this kind of behavior not only has a negative influence on how they see things at the moment, but it also affects how they see you and the entire relationship. If you're doing a lot of convincing, a man can start seeing you as a pain and resent you.
Convincing is a dead-end strategy that most of us try while we're growing up. If we're lucky, we figure out that it doesn't work anymore abandon this behavior with most of the people in our lives. But we dig it back up in our love lives when the intensity of our feelings is so great that it pushes us back ::: 53 :::.
to our "base level" behavior... kind of like how people panic in a crisis and revert to their lowest levels of behavior.
When you act like a convincer with a man, you lower your status. The "psychology" you have by being a convincer changes the way you communicate and behave, whether you know it or not. Convincing behaviors give several levels of control away by showing your emotional dependency on a man's decisions and actions.
And even if you're not trying very hard to convince a man, he'll sense at an unconscious level your fear and desperation.
It's what's driving you.
The Relationship Balance There's a concept that I've come across in watching dating situations and relationships that is so widespread that it plays out almost EVERYWHERE. Here's what I see...
In virtually every relationship, there's a cycle and a balance where one person is more dedicated or "into it" than the other. And while this dynamic can ebb and flow and the roles can transfer back and forth, each relationship has a generally predictable pattern.
At the core of this idea is that love and desire have a very pronounced "balance" that can be thrown off by common behaviors in either men or women. These common behaviors can be simplified or distilled into two distinct areas or roles.
We've talked about the Convincer, so let me quickly describe the "resistor." The Resistor is the role created because of the other person's convincing behaviors.
In other words, the resistor takes on RESISTANT and WITHDRAWING behavior because of the convincer. Resistance is a response to the pressure and the force inherent in the Convincer's behavior.
But it's not just the convincer that can unsettle the "Relationship Balance." If a man OR a woman begins to take on resistant behavior, it often draws the other into a Convincer ::: 54 :::.
role to compensate for the distance and withdrawal.
So here's an important point.... It takes one person to assume the Convincer and another to take on the Resistor role for the Relationship Balance to shift. So to build a clear and more defined model of the Relationship Balance, I call the person who first assumes one of these roles the "Initiator", and the other who reacts as the "Compensator."
Put these together and it gives you 4 different possible combinations in the Relationship Balance.
1. Initiating Resistor 2. Compensating Resistor 3. Initiating Convincer 4. Compensating Convincer.
OK... Now I want you to do something fun as a learning experience. The insights women often gain from this experience are really big "Aha!" moments for them, so take 5-10 minutes here to focus on this stuff.
Here we go...
Take a few minutes to think about each of the 4 roles above and what they are all generally about.
Once you've got the general idea, take a deep breath, slow down your thoughts, and visualize yourself talking to a man you're in a relationship with about the future of your relationship. It could also be the man that you're dating or someone you're interested in and attracted to.
Now put yourself in one of the 4 roles above in your mind.
Now imagine the way this person (you in the role) communicates with the man, how she behaves and what her body language looks like. And now that you've got her in your mind think through a few questions...
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* Did she initiate this conversation about the relationship and the future?
* What kind of attitude does she have? How confident is she?
* Is she pessimistic or optimistic when she's talking to the man she's with?
OK, now that you've thought through one of these 4 roles, go back and think through the other 3 roles.
You should start to see the natural balance working in either direction between the man and the woman in the exercise and how each situation produces radically different feelings and sensations.
This is the powerful process of Cause and Effect in action.
So let me ask you... which role gave you the most comfortable and fulfilling experience? Which one was the most difficult or awkward?
Interesting, huh...
The most interesting and insightful role I see in the Relationship Balance is where the unbalancing process has the woman as the "Compensating Convincer." The following story shows how women usually step into this role.
A man and woman are dating. The woman is mature and more emotionally available than the man, so she arrives at wanting something more with the man. The man doesn't agree or want the same thing yet. She tries to convince him and becomes the Convincer.
The man becomes the Resistor and holds the psychological position of control because he's the one who has been given the decision-making power to say "yes" or "no" by the woman's convincing behavior. As a result, the woman becomes frustrated and upset and displays intense emotions that appear negative and cause pressure for the man.
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The man closes off and distances himself. He begins to feel pressure and guilt while continuing to resist even more.
The man's resistance frustrates the woman, and as a result, her desire to get her own way escalates into her working harder at convincing him. And the entire cycle continues to escalate emotionally.
Ok, end of story...
Has this ever happened to you with a man?
The more you try to get him to listen to what you want, the more he grows distant and stops communicating. So naturally you get frustrated and hurt, which only seems to fuel the fire for his avoidance and disinterest.
The thing is, NOTHING makes a man act distant faster than a woman pleading or pressuring him for a long-term decision through weak or hurt emotional displays. But the worst part of being a convincer is that it can ultimately over time begin to kill the interest and attraction a man feels for you.
It doesn't make sense, but that's how it works.
A fascinating book that touches on the relationship dynamics by Convincers is The Passion Paradox by Dean C.
Delis, Ph. D. He talks about what happens when one person is more "emotionally invested" than the other person. This book talks about the dynamics of wanting and getting-the more someone wants from their partner, the less the partner feels like giving.
It's always interesting to turn things around and imagine a man in the role of the Convincing Compensator. You've probably experienced it because it's pretty typical behavior-it comes out in behavior through things like inappropriate gift giving, calling too much, or generally trying too hard to be liked.
Have you ever had a guy try to convince you into dating or into a relationship you weren't interested in? Then when ::: 57 :::.
you didn't express too much interest he came on even stronger.