Now that you've thought about it, I'm going to share a unique habit of happy people...
Happy people are patient. They wait for the right time to go after what they want, and they avoid unrealistic expectations of what they can't control.
And yes... this habit applies to men and dating.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking you to sell yourself short on your dreams of love, a family, or any of that. I want you to have exactly what you want.
But here's the thing... if you aren't realistic about what you're after in your relationship and how soon these things should happen, then you're guaranteed to experience failure ::: 37 :::.
and disappointment. Each situation is different, so you've got to get in touch with where a man's at and his comfort level.
This can tell you what size steps you might want to take.
Is he comfortable with baby steps or with big leaps?
Use your intuition and watch his behavior to make the call. There's no "one size fits all" for people and our complex personalities. Take the perfect situation you saw in your mind and keep it as a guideline to help you get what you want.
Keeping these positive images in your head can give you all kinds of benefits such as reduced stress, but there's a danger to avoid. Be careful with the "Fairy Tale Syndrome."
This syndrome occurs when your expectations to live happily ever after in a perfect relationship with the perfect man fall short, causing you to blame yourself and the guy.
By the way, check out the book The Type E Woman: How To Overcome The Stress Of Being Everything To Everybody by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph. D. for an interesting investigation about the perfectionist issues that women experience.
If you don't remember to keep realistic expectations, then everything that's less than perfect will frustrate you. You'll be trying to make a relationship into something it can't ever be.
Think about it like "Bridezilla." Bridezilla is the obsessive bride who freaks out and goes crazy over every little thing just before and during her wedding, no matter how small or inconsequential.
Bridezilla is such an unhappy and insatiably unsatisfied monster because she has out-of-this-world expectations for her wedding. It's all based on her fantasies and ideals that have no grounding in the real world. She never got in touch with the reality of planning a wedding or imagined any of the snags, issues, and politics that can happen when planning a wedding.
So when the wedding rolls around, she sees each little deviation from her fantasy, no matter how small, as a disaster.
The only thing her mind is saying when any little snag comes ::: 38 :::.
along is, "The whole wedding is ruined!"
I've seen single women in relationship behave like a similar monster - "GirlfriendZilla." Shed the green scaly skin of the "Zilla" world and save yourself. You've got to realize that your perfect situation with a man doesn't really exist and it's the idea of perfection that's turning you into a monster.
Since what you want involves another person, you need to be in touch with the other person's idea of perfection and accept that nothing that will ever satisfy exactly what you both want in your minds.
Don't be afraid to tell a man what the perfect situation looks like for you. If you're honest and upfront without being demanding, a man will love and appreciate you for it. I'll get into the specific way to do this in the later sections of the book about communicating in relationships.
Selectivity Means Success In relationships, it's usually a good idea to give people the benefit of the doubt and trust them until they give you a reason not to do so. You've been taught to do be this way from the day you first began talking and socializing.
But being too easygoing has a price it makes you uncomfortable talking to people about what you expect from them. And without these discussions, you're likely to be out of touch with the reality of the people and situations around you.
Learning to understand and set expectations effectively with the people around you can be a priceless tool. I can't say enough good things about what it can do for you in all areas of your life. You'll be amazed at how much clarity and simplicity comes from it. The people around you will also notice a change in the way you communicate and the way you look at things.
Their respect for you will instantly increase, and they'll place a higher value on what you have to say.
Something takes place when you begin getting in touch with your own expectations. At first, when you're getting in touch with your expectations, you'll discover all sorts of bad ::: 39 :::.
things that are around you, which might scare the heck out of you.
Don't worry, it's normal. Some people can feel threatened when this first happens, but be patient.
Something magical begins to happen... You start to relax more because you now have a clear and realistic picture of what's going on around you. It's kind of like the feeling you get if you've ever had to hide, and the huge sense of relief you get when revealing it because you no longer have to do so. That's what knowing about expectations is like. You feel relieved as you become confident of avoiding a lot of bad things in life that would have happened to you without your new skills.
Of course, setting expectations is also a great tool to improve your love life. For most women who are with "Mr.
Wrong", it takes failure, heartbreak, emotional distress, and pain until they realize that what they want doesn't fit with the man who's in their life. These women could have avoided getting involved and realized that this guy was "Mr. Wrong" if they would have been able to understand and discuss their expectations.
The dark truth is that some women don't want to dig deeper into what a man truly wants because of these women's own issues and fears of rejection or abandonment. So a whole self-defeating process takes place: 1. Women will believe that he's a great guy because of the close connection they share without being very objective about the situation.
2. Women will immediately build all kinds of expectations because of their hopes for him.
3. They end up immediately expecting to have a committed relationship as things escalate, even if there's been no direct communication about it.
The simple fact is that men, unlike most women, are not naturally equipped and ready for relationships until they also learn how to set expectations.
::: 40 :::.
So... You HAVE to be selective!
For women, being selective is nature's BEST way of finding the right relationship with the right man at the right time.
So you have to get tough. Be willing to say "No" to men who don't measure up and be willing to do this EARLY and QUICKLY when dating.
Feel free to date all you want. The benefits are that you DON'T have to get too attached, you don't have to be physically intimate, and you don't have to keep going out with anyone who doesn't want what you want.
But some women think that being this way makes them "bitchy." For whatever reason they have a hard time being totally honest about where they are and what they want.
It's completely normal to feel this way.
Since we've been born, everyone around us has been drilling into our minds through manners, etc. that it's just "not nice" to be completely honest.
Honesty is one of the most liberating and valuable traits to develop - and it's even more valuable when you're dating.
It's OK to be a woman. It's OK to want what you want and let him know it. It's OK to tell a man that his behavior doesn't match with what you want. In fact, doing these EXACT things will make you more attractive to men. The amazing thing is that men crave honest women who are upfront about who they are and what they want in relationships But you've just got to know the right way to communicate these things without going over the top.
There are all kinds of great information and ideas out there about powerful communication and the freedom that comes from more "emotional" honesty. Check out the book Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton, Ph. D. This is a great book ::: 41 :::.
about the power of honesty and how to use it in your daily life.
Another book that is more directly applicable to women and dating is called Men Like Women Who Like Themselves by Carter and Sokol.
If you're honest and upfront about what you want and expect from a man, it says in a way that you're not too attached to any outcome with him, which can have an EXTREMELY POWERFUL EFFECT. The man will unconsciously recognize that YOU are the one doing the choosing and selecting.
When a man senses this, be ready for his attraction toward you to be instantly dialed up several levels. But remember, you can't fake it. You have to be in a place where you truly believe in your happiness and your ability to achieve your own desires.
Remember: Long-term relationships are much better than the immediate gratification of short-term relationships. Be patient and be selective.
If you learn how to create powerful feelings of attraction and more long-term interests at a deep unconscious level, you won't have to do so much worrying, arguing, or even pressuring. You'll start to understand what's going on beneath the surface and how you can interact with a man without making all the mistakes most women make... like being a "Convincer".
It's also extremely powerful if you let men know that you're paying close attention to how they act and what kind of man they are by playfully posing certain types of questions to them. The kind of questions you ask should let them know that you are judging their quality and character, and that you'll only be with a man who has certain traits.
But you've got to ask these questions in a confident and fun way and not to ask out of fear or frustration. If you do, the man will respond to you in an entirely different and negative way that will often cause him to withdraw or become irritated.
But doing it in the right way will consciously and unconsciously ::: 42 :::.
force a man to see that you're not waiting for him to choose you and that you expect certain standards of behavior.
When men recognizes that a woman is actively doing the "selecting" and evaluating his qualities, something powerful is communicated at an unconscious level. You demonstrate that you are in control of your emotions and desires which is extremely attractive to a man. You show that you have ownership of your life and relationships and that you don't just fall into anything interesting that comes along.
You also send a signal that you won't tolerate behaviors and situations you don't want in your life. It helps you avoid all kinds of painful behavior and situations with men that other women get stuck with and can't "fix."
The most important thing about letting a man know that you're doing the choosing is that it triggers a response from a man that I call the "Honest Woman Response", which I'll talk about in more detail later.
What happens is that a man will often go from seeing the woman as a semi-casual partner to seeing her as someone who he KNOWS he would want to make a future with - and that if he messes things up he's an IDIOT. It's like a new respect is immediately formed and the man instantly places more value on the woman and the relationship that's taking shape.
And if a woman wants to go from a casual relationship to a committed relationship with a man, the Honest Woman Response is a pivotal point that should take place early if things are to evolve into a deeper long-term relationship.
The "Honest Woman Response" takes place when a man recognizes 3 things about a woman: 1. That the woman expects him to have certain aspects (i.e. emotional state, social life) of his life together in order for him to be with her.
2. That a woman has desirable behavior and characteristics that signal to him she's someone with ::: 43 :::.
whom he'd enter a relationship.
3. That the women won't allow a purely physical relationship to take place, and that she will only continue to be with him if he meets certain standards.
A lot of this is about setting the right expectations. Men don't have "rewind" buttons for expectations and impressions.
The expectations and impressions you set with a man early on help direct his behavior and what he sees as acceptable and unacceptable with you. So it's up to YOU to set the standard for a man's behavior from the beginning.
The good news is that setting expectations leaves a long lasting psychological impression in a man's mind. If done in the right way, it will draw you both closer and more intimate because trust has been created between the two of you.
Why Men Want To Date Forever The reason I know all about the "stay single" attitude is because I've lived it. It's an attitude shared by many men.
Even if you have a great "connection" with a man, you've got to spend a lot of time together before the man will even think about something more long-term. But it's important that they know that a commitment is important to you.
Lots of men talk about women as if the woman is trying to take something away from them. Maybe you've seen or encountered this attitude in men. Like when a guy will talk about a woman he's dating and say "Yeah, she's great but I'm just not ready for a relationship."
These men often feel this way because they have a negative stereotype in their mind about needy and unexciting women who cling to relationships. It's the "Ball and Chain"
woman that makes a man feel trapped and feel his life will be devoid of fun and excitement. And when men observe these types of behavior or attitudes in a woman, men instantly identify everything that woman does as representing the ball and chain.
::: 44 :::.
Men love to date, and they have fun doing it. And I've got to tell you as a man that being single and dating was ALL I wanted to do for a long, long time. No matter how wonderful the woman I dated was, no matter how the date or dates went and no matter how amazing the connection and potential was for something deeper, I was absolutely not interested in settling down or staying with just one woman.
It didn't matter if the woman was gorgeous and had wonderful inner qualities. My own identity was that of a single man having fun and dating. Nothing could have changed that identity, and I didn't know any other way to live my life.
A lot of single men are the same way. And attractive men who are "catches", the kind who have good looks, intelligence, careers, etc. have even more fun dating because they can date whoever they want whenever they want. They have attractive and interesting women available to them all the time. This changes their perspective, and they end up not dating with any specific goal in mind. They're not worried if the woman has the potential to be a girlfriend. And if a date is awful, they don't blame themselves or think it's their fault. They quickly move on.
What happens with the guys who are "catches" and date a lot of women is fascinating. Because of their dating experiences, they develop an amazing ability to identify a good woman from a "bad" one (one he wouldn't want to spend his time with) within just a few words, voice tones, or movements when interacting with the woman.
These men are around and approached by women a lot, so they need to find a way to screen quickly the "good ones"
from the "bad ones". So they develop a kind of "radar" for the "bad" women who don't have their lives together, or have emotional, confidence, or low self-esteem issues, etc. that might cause trouble or emotional issues in the future.
You might think that a man acting this way and quickly excluding a woman if he sees things in her personality that suggests that she isn't very caring, patient, sympathetic, or nurturing is superficial. But it happens so quickly and unconsciously that most men couldn't even explain to you how ::: 45 :::.
or why they are doing it.
Lots of women do the same thing with men too...
And what's just as interesting is that guys who date a lot can sometimes develop an ability to attract women more easily than other man because they've learned to instantly "tune in"
to where the woman is physically and emotionally. These guys spend their time learning how women act and react in all kinds of situations, and they learn what works and what doesn't, giving them a deeper understanding of the signals and triggers that women have.
Sometimes you see these skills go to a guy's head, and they use dating as an ego booster. Be careful here...
The ego driven daters have two main groups: 1. The Indulgers The Indulgers These guys are going through a sort of "self-infatuation" and indulgence in their ability to meet women. It often happens with the kind of guys who never got women's attention when they were younger, or guys who have low self-esteem but who are now rich and powerful. They now feel empowered and are enjoying a dating frenzy. Men like these can harbor a deep resentment of women and try to date a lot of women as "pay-back" for all the years they suffered from female rejection. These guys are going through a sort of "self-infatuation" and indulgence in their ability to meet women. It often happens with the kind of guys who never got women's attention when they were younger, or guys who have low self-esteem but who are now rich and powerful. They now feel empowered and are enjoying a dating frenzy. Men like these can harbor a deep resentment of women and try to date a lot of women as "pay-back" for all the years they suffered from female rejection.
2. The Romantics The Romantics - These guys constantly need the validation and approval of women. They have intense sexual fantasies and appetites. And they are looking to fill the emptiness in their own lives with female interaction and attention. - These guys constantly need the validation and approval of women. They have intense sexual fantasies and appetites. And they are looking to fill the emptiness in their own lives with female interaction and attention.
Not all men date because they're this way though. Part of the reason "regular guys" can and will date casually without settling down is their ability to remain relatively emotionally uninvolved even when they are experiencing an intense attraction. Men have an internal drive that can cause them to value physical appearance over emotional connections.
::: 46 :::.
But something else is going on inside every man's head.
Men have the belief that there are lots of very attractive women out there, and they could be dating any one of them under the right conditions. For men, dating is an ongoing part of their life that brings fun and entertainment.
I've learned something interesting. There's a paradox I see that comes from all the dating that men do. A man likes to date a lot of women before he decides to settle down... and so in the process he learns what he wants and what he doesn't want from dating lots of different women.
It's the oldest dating/relationship paradox: You can't know what you truly want from a person in a relationship unless you date several different people, but you can't date several different people and expect to have a deep relationship.
Women, on the other hand, take themselves out of the learning process in the dating/relationship paradox too quickly.
Do you know any women who are serial monogamists and who are never single? Or if they are single, they never like to date?
These women are missing out on the entire learning process of dating and they're setting themselves up to be unable to identify a good match from a bad one. Dating serves an important purpose in developing skills that are crucial to having a good relationship, such as learning how to identify a good man, knowing how to identify the wrong men, understanding what you're after, developing personal communication skills, reading body language, etc... The list goes on.
How To Think About A Relationship With A Man If I asked you to describe the steps that take place from when a man first becomes attracted to a woman to when he commits to a relationship with her- would you be able to tell me? If I asked you to describe the steps that take place from when a man first becomes attracted to a woman to when he commits to a relationship with her- would you be able to tell me?
If you're like 95% of the women I've met, then no, you ::: 47 :::.
couldn't. That's why I'm constantly amazed when I talk with women about the problems they have in getting the man in their lives to commit; they haven't thought through what it takes for the man to become committed.