I really believe that most men want to find one woman to have a great relationship with. And even the hundreds of "players" I've met eventually arrive at a desire to be in a fulfilling committed relationship with a woman.
But when it comes to finding their way into relationships and making it last, most men are like a blind-folded kids trying to hit a pinata. They swing blindly and wildly, hoping to make contact but going about it with no real sense or strategy.
I'm not saying that all the men out there are incapable, but most of us are "handicapped." When it comes to figuring out what we want with women and when we want it, we're hopeless.
Some guys, even if they don't say it, are just not able to settle down with a woman NO MATTER how amazing she is or how well they get along.
On the other hand, women seem to have a natural and innate compass that helps them to find comfort and confidence inside a relationship. With these differences, men and women have a kind of natural opposition.
So if a man is with a woman, and SHE doesn't know how to make things move smoothly and comfortably from one level to the next such as knowing the right time to move forward, what mistakes to avoid, etc. then trying to move forward can feel like walking through quicksand... the faster you move you move the quicker you'll sink.
If you're interested in a man and he can't or won't communicate that he's looking for something serious, then you as the woman have to take the lead. It's not an option. That's right, you have to be the leader or you will by definition follow the man to whatever path he chooses - which is often the path of least resistance and not a great way to put a strong future together.
::: 27 :::.
So here's where you need to use what you know about the frustrating and difficult male love psychology. If you act like you're trying to jump straight into a relationship with a man early on, more often than not he'll think that you're putting the cart before the horse and start to pull away.
Here's some general advice about how and what to communicate in your behavior toward men by taking into account their common "dating psychology": Unless a guy you're dating is the one pushing for something more serious, he's just enjoying the dating process and hasn't made any serious considerations about the future yet.
And if you're ever in doubt and wondering whether a man feels this way or not, it's ALWAYS an advantage to assume that he's still figuring things out. The advantage will be that the lack of pressure and psychological "space" you'll create, even if it's unintentional, will actually make him want to get closer to you.
Sounds strange huh? It's your relaxed and casual attitude and the "space" that's created when you psychologically "lean back" that will naturally pull a man to you and motivate him to grow more attached and attracted to you.
Don't ask me why men are this way. They just are.
An important clarification: I'm not saying that it's acceptable for a man to give excuses, to be distant, to not call, to flake on you, etc... That stuff is a sure sign of immaturity if it's going on after the first several weeks or months.
Players and Other Negative Traps Have you ever been swept off your feet by a man that you just met, only to learn days or weeks later that he wasn't as interested in being with you as you were led to believe? Have you ever been swept off your feet by a man that you just met, only to learn days or weeks later that he wasn't as interested in being with you as you were led to believe?
Some men view picking up women as a sort of game.
(Sad, but true.) They talk and brag about women with each other and describe the way they meet and attract women.
Others have pick-up lines, routines, gags, tricks, and attitudes they use in order to assume a persona they believe will be ::: 28 :::.
more attractive to women. Maybe you've overheard some men talking this way. And maybe you've even heard men you know or men you've dated talk this way.
If you're friends with any "Players," or if you've ever had the unfortunate experience of trying to date a hopeless Player, then you know what I'm talking about.
There are three different types of Players...
1. The "Ego Driven" Players.
These are the guys who want or need attention from multiple women. The attention feeds their egos and makes them feel better about themselves. They aren't necessarily bad guys, but they're shameless flirts who usually don't know any better than to live their lives seeking approval and validation from more and more women. They often connect deeply with women right off the bat and because women feed on this connection, women will tend to share more of their private thoughts, feelings, etc.
2. The "Social Players".
These are the guys who make a career out of learning how to pick up women. It becomes their favorite evening past-time. You'll find them out partying all the time, always going somewhere, and always having a woman to call and never spending a weekend evening at home. They tend to congregate with other Players who are out to meet new women.
3. The "Physical" Players.
Finally, there are the "Physical" Players. These guys are seeking something purely physical from a woman and don't have much else on their mind. They're often the more sensual and artistic types who charm women with their body language and their ability to make a woman comfortable with intimate contact soon after they meet.
Anyways, a few years ago I noticed something ::: 29 :::.
FASCINATING about the guys that women think of as "Players." Ever since I've been old enough to go out to the places where men and women meet (bars, clubs, restaurants, museums, parties, etc.), I've seen men who are good looking, attractive, entertaining, powerful, etc. attract women regardless of their intentions.
These guys represent a certain dilemma for women because of the ATTRACTION women feel for them and what I call the guys' actual "RELATIONSHIP POTENTIAL."
What I'm getting at is that the qualities that attract women to "Players" are often the same qualities that make them bad "boyfriend material." It's often these men who aren't aren't caring, generous, patient, polite, considerate, etc. that women end up feeling attracted to and share chemistry with. caring, generous, patient, polite, considerate, etc. that women end up feeling attracted to and share chemistry with.
Have you ever felt a strong connection with a dominant, powerful, and unavailable man?
What often makes these men intriguing, interesting, and attractive has NOTHING to do with whether they'd make a good mate or partner. In fact, these men are often the exact wrong types to be looking for a more meaningful relationship with.
But what's worse is that the men who are actually the ones ready and waiting for a relationship with a woman in their lives aren't often as skilled or experienced at creating a connection with a woman, so women often don't go for them.
Here's the inside dirt on players. Men who are into picking up women do so because the challenge validates their intense need to feel important, powerful, and attractive. They are NOT looking to settle down, don't care about the woman they're with, and don't want a relationship with any woman no matter how cool or beautiful she might be. The excitement of the search for women, the challenge of picking up new women, and the instant gratification these men get is all they're after.
Don't ever think that a player's mentality has anything to do with who you are or with how you look. You won't EVER be ::: 30 :::.
able to change or tame these types of guys because it's all about them. For players, they only want women in their lives to fulfill their physical desires and to validate their ego. They can't even consider the fulfillment they could get from a relationship because it isn't part of their personal values.
But some women try to become "The Fixer" and tell themselves that a man's a player because he just hasn't found that special girl yet. While it may be true in some cases, these women mistakenly believe they can be the miracle worker to make him see the beauty of a relationship and how much better it is. "Fixers" don't see a man for what he is. Fixers only consider the situation with their own personal set of values to make judgments about what is the "right" thing to do in a given situation.
In addition, women make some common mistakes when dealing with "Players." These types of men often use sarcasm, humor, and other techniques to put a woman on the defensive.
They want to turn the tables and make themselves the object of desire to pursue so that the woman will qualify herself to him. Remember that techniques are a simply way of distracting you from evaluating the man on a rational basis.
Players can be irresistibly attractive because of the confidence and status they convey. Remember that players only focus on the surface and things that are only skin deep.
The surface of things is their greatest concern. Stay away if you're looking for anything serious or meaningful. Just mind yourself about the dangers of a connection that I talked about...
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Chapter 2. How I Learned About a Woman's Experience.
My Story I've been fortunate to have been surrounded by open and communicative women in family, friends, and work relationships. From an early age I got to hear a whole range of female perspectives across generations and experiences, which included my parents who later divorced, an older sister, women friends, and many family friends who were single women.
From the age of 11 until well into my college years, I attended family dinners with many invited guests. The people at these dinners usually included my mom, my sister, and two or three of my mom's or my sister's friends (all women).
I listened intently and developed my own insights from what I heard. I began to understand intuitively what these women experienced and what they felt as I listened to their perspectives on men, emotions, relationships, and love. I started to understand what "made sense" to them and how they saw the world.
It was a great learning experience for me, and one that made me more comfortable and empathetic with women. I was privy to all kinds of "inside" stuff that young men don't usually get to hear until later in their lives.
I heard women's perspectives on dating, attraction, turn-offs, failed relationships, flirting, sex, infidelities, divorce...
everything.
As a young man, every woman wanted to tell me her story so that I wouldn't "be like the other guys." They wanted to help me to grow up to be a great guy.
Since then I've realized that just as men need to become better at understanding women and what they want, women ::: 32 :::.
also have to learn how men think and communicate to be successful in a relationship.
I've had all kinds of dating experiences and relationships.
I've had love and lost it. I've been a player and been played.
I've hurt women and have been hurt.
Of course, I've gone through that typical "bachelor syndrome" where I've been in relationships, but secretly felt that I wasn't ready to settle down or to commit. But I denied these feelings for a while because of the woman I was dating and what she meant to me. I've seen and experienced my own issues over and over before learning that I had to deal with them.
Ultimately, I've personally experienced a lot of the mistakes most women make with men because I was the guy making things difficult on the other end. And I consider myself lucky to have learned from all of it and hopefully not hurt any women too badly in the process.
I've also learned that I can help women get what they want with dating, love, and relationships by sharing what I've learned from knowing hundreds of women, hearing thousands of stories, and having done a lot of my own personal research.
Initial Thoughts Some people like to say that when you meet the person you'll know and that everything will fall into place. But that's the exception, not the rule. If you're like most women in the world, you know that relationships, love, and commitment take a lot more than just luck and timing - although that's part of it.
The good things in life, such as meeting people you value and would trust, don't always settle in the way that you want them to happen. Meeting people can be spontaneous and easy, but to maintain a meaningful and fulfilling connection in your life requires some real work on both sides-like it or not.
Men, dating, relationships, and love are the same way.
You've got to do some "work" of your own to be prepared to be in the right state of mind. The good news is working on ::: 33 :::.
yourself is the most rewarding and gratifying thing you can ever do.
At this point you might be thinking, "Why should I do all this work when it's men who have the big issues and commitment fears that keep me from having the relationship I want?"
Well, I think there are two types of people: the ones who blame everything on other people, and the ones who take responsibility for what happens in their life.
Guess which group tends to be much happier and more able to turn their dreams into reality?
Exactly, it's the people who take responsibility for what happens around them.
If you want to create great situations in your life, you need to think positively about your present situation, learn as much as you can, and set out to do something in small realistic steps. You have to do this part without expectations of immediate success to give yourself enough room and time to learn. In the process, you'll encounter some failures which will only help you to grow.
The most successful people I know are the ones who have thought hard about what they want and have come to terms with how to pursue their dreams. They plan how to get there and follow through with consistent long-term effort without blaming other people for not getting what they want. And they DON'T expect easy or instant success with any pieces of the puzzle.
It's no surprise that the women I know who are happiest in their relationships are the ones who have adopted this long-term realistic attitude in their love lives.
I love the idea of helping women become more successful with men, but I HATE the idea of leading them to believe that mistreating men, being too sarcastic and mean to them, lying, misleading, manipulating, etc. is the right approach. Deep down, most women are good people who want to be good to ::: 34 :::.
others and to the men they're around.
I decided that there MUST be a way to make this work and to attract men without playing games or manipulating.
And the good news is that THERE IS a way. But it requires that you put aside your current ideas just long enough to entertain some new ones.
First, let me say that I believe I've found a way to take the things that selfish women do to attract men and use them WITHOUT THE ABUSE. When you learn to do this, you can really have the best of both worlds... you can be nice to men on your own terms, and give them what they REALLY want and what REALLY attracts them.
So why do men become attracted to selfish women or "bitches"?
The short answer is that they don't CHOOSE. It's something that just HAPPENS.
ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE. It's an emotional response to certain things. Men don't CHOOSE to feel the emotion called ATTRACTION for more "selfish" women any more than YOU choose to feel the emotion for unavailable men.
If you think that the way to make a man feel attracted to you is to dote on him, become more and more emotionally involved with your feelings for him, and just be a sweet, caring and generous woman-then you're not getting what makes men tick. You don't get what's going on inside his mind and what triggers attraction and thoughts of more long-term stuff for him.
Nature has pre-programmed men with attraction mechanisms that work differently than woman. Women's attraction mechanisms are more complex, whereas men can usually just see a good looking woman and feel intense attraction for her.
And yeah, women do feel attraction for extremely good looking guys as well, but women feel a much stronger ::: 35 :::.
attraction for certain personality traits and behaviors than they do for physical looks alone. As men get to know women, the same becomes true for women-the attraction, based on the personality traits and behaviors, start to take a stronger hold.
Well, the most important thing is that it means you can still be a good person and attract men. You're probably going to have to learn how to flirt in a different way and become a little more comfortable with challenging men. But in the end, you'll find that this will get you what you want and still allow you to treat men well on your own terms.
It also means that instead of being the woman who men vent to about their relationship problems and how their bimbo girlfriend is being high maintenance again, you can be the woman who they're dating and spending quality time.
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Chapter 3.
Men and Relationships Be Honest About What You Want Be Honest About What You Want Understanding your desires and motivations is a VERY important step towards your personal happiness in your love life. It's also an important step in attracting a man and finding the right guy for a relationship. You've got to know what you're after before you try to get it.
Ask yourself the following questions and be TOTALLY honest...
* What do you want with your love life in the future?
Create a mental picture of exactly how this would be.
* If you already have a man in your life, what do you expect from him right now? Again, imagine the perfect situation of you two together.
* What do you want in the future with your love life?
* Now ask yourself, how quickly would things progress to get to that ideal situation?