"Like your letters are not to hurt people? You don't care about anyone else, Zinzi."
"Of course I care, why the fuck do you think I took this missing persons job? And so far it's turning out more dodgy than all the scams I've ever been involved in. I did it so I could get out of this. Aren't you taking this a little little personally?" personally?"
"I shot Felipe."
"What?"
"We used to sleep in a church, all the children and us older kids looking after them. I was nineteen. It was meant to be safe. They took us anyway. Armee de resistance Armee de resistance du Seigneur du Seigneur. Lord's Resistance Army. Even before these troubles now, they used to make incursions across the border from Uganda. Or maybe it was a splinter group. They broke the windows. Used their rifle-butts to smash in the heads of the little ones too small to walk. Anyone who resisted. In the forest, they did things to drive us mad. Muti. Muti. Drugs. Rape. Killing games. His name wasn't Felipe. But he was my friend. And I shot him because that was the choice they gave me." Drugs. Rape. Killing games. His name wasn't Felipe. But he was my friend. And I shot him because that was the choice they gave me."
"God."
He smiles wanly. "Nzambe aza na zamba te. God is not in the forest. Maybe He is too busy looking after sports teams or worrying about teenagers having sex before marriage. I think they take up a lot of His time."
"I didn't know."
"Your policy. No questions. It's all right, Zinzi, I wouldn't have told you anyway. I didn't tell my wife when we married. There are camps for child soldiers, where they try to teach you to be human again." His mouth twitches, more pity than smile.
"Was that when you got the Mongoose?"
"It was 1995. Before mashavi mashavi. But he was waiting for me. He waited eleven years for me. We were on our way to Celvie's father's funeral. We knew it was dangerous, but it was her father. We should have left the kids behind. The FLDR attacked us. I fought back. Killed two of them. That's why they burned me."
"The FLDR?" I say, reeling. As if unravelling the acronyms could make sense of this.
"The Forces democratiques de liberation du Rwanda. I Forces democratiques de liberation du Rwanda. I thought I'd left the fighting behind. It was like a different life for me, Zinzi, for many years. I met Celvie. We had children. I went to university. But the war in the Congo is like an animal. You can't get away from it." He runs his palm down the scars on his throat. thought I'd left the fighting behind. It was like a different life for me, Zinzi, for many years. I met Celvie. We had children. I went to university. But the war in the Congo is like an animal. You can't get away from it." He runs his palm down the scars on his throat.
"What happens now?"
"Now I must hope that I can avoid the war. And this time, I will tell my wife. But you understand why I don't want your money."
In my chest, the poison flower bursts open, an explosion of burning seeds. I imagine Mr and Mrs Barber experienced something similar whenever they finally realised that the bearer bonds were forged.
It is the death of hope.
PART TWO.
Yellow light slicing across my pillow like a knife would be the appropriate simile, but it feels more like a mole digging its way into my skull through my right eyeball. There is a boy in my bed, or at least I think it's a boy. It's hard to judge gender by the back of someone's head. But I have my suspicions, based on the sandy curls and the snippets of last night that my brain is starting to defrag.
A man built like a tank in a red and black tuxedo beside the velvet rope, because I couldn't face going to Mak's to get fucked up.
"Ro off tonight?"
"You want I can give him a message?"
"Can I give you my phone number?"
"Baby, you can definitely give me your phone number."
"Get out," I half-shove, half-drag the curly headed thing out of my bed by the ankle and dump him on the floor.
"This is something special," Babyface Dealer says, chopping outanother line, grainy like salt crystals on the dashboard of his car. Technically, he's not supposed to indulge with his customers. I Technically, he's not supposed to indulge with his customers. I can be very persuasive. can be very persuasive.
It burns going up, like speed cut with rat poison. He says that's just the magic. Sloth whimpers unhappily. Then the inside of my just the magic. Sloth whimpers unhappily. Then the inside of my head lights up like a Christmas mall display and my heart surges head lights up like a Christmas mall display and my heart surges up in my chest and the world drops away in graceful slow-mo. up in my chest and the world drops away in graceful slow-mo.
"What the hell?" Babyface Dealer yanks at the sheets around his legs.
A girl gyrates with an albino python in one of the elevated archways, pulling it between her legs and bucking her hips. It's the drugs or maybe her drugs or maybe her shavi shavi, but lust seems like a tangible current moving through the crowd on the dancefloor. moving through the crowd on the dancefloor.
A used condom is still attached to his limp dick.
"House special," Babyface Dealer says in the bathroom as he chops out another line chops out another line. "Specially imported." "Specially imported."
"Odious maximus." I giggle and he shushes me, but I'm not sure if it's because he doesn't want to be bust or if I'm not supposed to mention Odi's name. sure if it's because he doesn't want to be bust or if I'm not supposed to mention Odi's name.
"It was wonderful. You were great. Now get the fuck out of my house."
There is a singer from Mali up on stage crooning into the microphone. Also specially imported. Or maybe procured. "Not exactly a house," Babyface Dealer says, yanking on his pants, commando, over the shrivelled condom. "Is it, love?" "Not exactly a house," Babyface Dealer says, yanking on his pants, commando, over the shrivelled condom. "Is it, love?"
I tip the marine biology student bartender my last R1000. "Buy yourself an oceanarium, honey." yourself an oceanarium, honey."
"Don't get mugged and die on your way out," I snap. He slams the door behind him.
Despite the evidence, I consider going to the pharmacy for the morning-after pill. Maybe a shot of anti-retrovirals. Sloth is not speaking to me. He refuses to move from his perch in the cupboard and when I try to pull him out, he hits out at me, scratching my cheek. I had it coming.
I strip the bed, bundle up the sheets and throw them out the window. They get caught up in the branches of the trees below and hang there like dead things. Flaccid ghosts. Or my own personal white flag.
I think I've been here before. Rock fucking bottom.
This was inevitable. This grubby church basement with its grubby sign that reads NEW HOPE. The grubby men and women with grubby animals chanting the miserable litany of their grubby lives, mine included. It's supposed to be all relative. Degrees of awful that contextualise your own suffering. But what it really is, is painfully monotonous. There are only so many ways to screw up your life. We cover most of them in the first twenty minutes.
Even when the rich kids from the Haven join us halfway through, the only difference is in the details. But I feel saner for going. I also considered Phoenix, Fresh Beginnings and even Narcononymous, but I'd already established the credentials of the New Hope programme. Same principles as its plush sister facility, although there are less cheekbones per capita and I imagine the food isn't as good.
Lunch consists of day-old sandwiches sealed with stickers that proudly announce their providence as DONATED FROM THE KITSCH KITCHEN FINE FOODS DELI CERTIFIEDORGANIC. Could have done with real cutlery instead of plastic, but hey, the patrons of this fine twelve-step establishment are a little rougher than those that frequent the Haven.
A cute black girl who came in with the rich kids slides in next to me and greets Sloth: "Hey, fuzzybutt, I thought I recognised you."
Sloth reaches out his arms to be picked up, and she takes him from me and gives him a cuddle.
"It's Naisenya, right?" I say, recognising Overshare Girl from the Haven. "You can keep him, if you like. He's not exactly thrilled with me right now."
"Is that why you're here?"
"I could ask the same of you."
"Day trip. I'm the driver." She tilts her head at the rich kids, who are getting a nasty taste of what hitting real bottom involves. "We come visit every Sunday."