6
I had the dream once more. I tried to build a pair of wings to fly freely in the endless sky, but when I tried to fly higher, the sun burned me and I fell. No matter how I struggled to reach my hands out, in the end I could not grasp a thing.
'Struggling'.
I've lived with that word and its synonyms all my life.
"You have to be a great student in place of your sister, understand?"
My father repeated day after day.
For as long as I can remember, my elder sister was sick, sometimes to the point where she could not go to school. She spent most of her time sleeping in bed or in the hospital. I heard she had to get a dialysis there all the time. Every time her conditions worsened, my father's anguish would deepen.
The me in the past thought that if I get good grades and behaved well, my father's wrinkled face would smile for once.
To accomplish my goal, I studied and listened in class until I became the top student. I was so happy all my efforts and struggles against myself paid off.
I ran to my father and mother with my grade report in hand.
"So what? It's your duty to do well in school. You think this much is good enough?"
Father threw my grade report on the table. He walked to my sister's room with an armload of medicines and a glass of water.
"Good girl. You'll get well soon."
I heard father's joyful voice coming from behind the door.
It's alright…
I just didn't try hard enough. Just do it again. One day father will praise me that I'm a good boy, just like how he praised sister.
"What kind of brother are you?!"
Father slammed me on the back, sending jolts of pain into my spine. I didn't want to visit sister in the hospital since I needed time to finish my work for the Father's Day art contest, and that made my father furious, so furious mother didn't have the courage to stop him.
"What are you even trying to do? That's nonsense."
He said as he threw my sketchbook out the window.
It's alright…it's alright…
It's my fault for not caring about sister even though she had a weak body.
I tried to be a good brother and visited my sister every day when she was hospitalized. If she wanted something, I get it for her. I sent her to the hospital and picked her up every time she needed a dialysis. I tried my fullest to make her happy. The better her conditions, the clearer the evidence that my efforts did not go to waste.
"It's your job as a brother anyway. Just try to keep it up."
Father said flatly and went to work.
When…will father smile for me?
But…
It's alright…It's alright…It's alright…
However in high school, because of my goal to be a good person, people wanted trouble with me.
"Please move. I need to get back and study."
Every time I said the same sentence.
"You think you're so cool, huh? Don't think that you're smart and you can boss us around."
It ended the same way every time. Four or five kids against one, except for that one day when a teacher saw and told my parents.
"What kind of son are you? You keep causing trouble for us! Why can't you behave like your sister?!?"
In the midst of parents speaking in defense of their own child, only my father lashed out at me in front of every body. The me who was full of bruises and cuts. The me who tried so hard to be what he wanted me to be.
I wanted to object. The problem wasn't me.
I wanted to tell him. My sister was bed ridden, so how could she cause any trouble? But…
It's alright…It's alright…It's alright…It's alright…It's alright…
From now on I would struggle to blend in and not cause trouble to anyone, or get into anyone's way. I would be a normal kid who smiles at everyone. Everything would go smoothly. No one would bully me anymore.
Everything went swimmingly from then. I passed high school life without a hitch and entered university life.
In a society where everyone wears a mask, I became the joker. I made them laugh because of my silliness. This place was a whole different planet from high school. Even though I was called names or was pranked by others, I was not hated.
Grades were not worth as much as brand name bags. Friendship were not based on goodness but popularity. Luckily my household had some money, so I moved up the hierarchy from 'lackey' to 'wallet.'
But then at least one person saw my worth.
That day the leader of my group accidentally elbowed my food tray, causing my boiling hot bowl of noodles to spill all over me. I knew he didn't mean it. He was the kind to throw his hands around without a care in the world.
Even so, he burst out laughing, finding it hilarious to see me in that state.
"Hey, sorry, Natee! You're so bland I couldn't see you!"
I smiled and faked a laugh when everyone else laughed.
'It's alright.'
It's alright…It's alright…It's alright…
It's alright…It's alright…It's alright…
It's alright…It's alright…It's alright…
"Hey you! Apologize to him again! And you, why're you standing there smiling, saying 'oh it's alright'?! Get back at him!"
Yam, the only girl in the group spoke up and dragged me to the faucet behind the school to wash the noodle soup off.
"It's alright. We're friends."
"Tee, you know what? You're making Yam worried."
[Note: she refers to herself in third person. Think of moe anime characters who refer to themselves using their own name.]
"Huh? Worried?"
Yam didn't answer. She smiled awkwardly and walked away. This was the first time someone said they are worried about me. I didn't have to describe how happy I was.
Yam was the first one to be my real friend in the past three years. At first I thought she felt pity because she saw me getting thrown around by my friends all the time, but when we got to our last year in university, the truth came to light. She had a crush on me all these time.
I smiled my first real smile. I'm glad I struggled so hard to be where I was, because if I didn't work for it I would not be here with her.
We became lovers. It was the happiest time in my life. She made me forget all my troubles and pain to the point where I wanted this moment in life to last forever.
My new goal was not to graduate university or to please my parents.
This time, it is a goal for myself.
For the happiness of being with the love of my life…
"Marriage?!"
Yam gasped. I held her hands gently to calm her down.
"Tee has some money saved, so when we graduate we should get married and open a small shop. Our very own family business. From now on we'll be together as we promised…Yam, do you agree with me?"
[Note: Tee is also referring to himself in third person, which is not strange for Thai men when talking with their loved ones]
I beamed, but Yam went silent and I got nervous.
"Yam, don't worry. I talked this through with my mother. She was good with the idea."
"Yam…will think about it."
Yam cut our conversation and rushed home before I could explain further.
That night she called. But not to give me a reply.
She called to confess…
She told me that everything was a joke. Our relationship started from a truth or dare. Yam would get closer to me for the sake of a prank.
[Well…we can't help it. When we played pranks on you, you always say 'it's alright, it's alright' so they wanted to know if you were dumped, will it still be alright for you?]
I asked if it was okay for us to get back together.
[We better not… actually, Yam likes Tee. Tee always let Yam have everything. Yam wants something, Tee gets it for Yam, but… Yam didn't love Tee. If this drags on, it will be nothing but a waste of time.]
"I see… I get it…"
[Not mad? Not angry?]
Yam pleaded.
"Yeah. It's alright."
When she felt relieved, she hung up. I was lost in thoughts all alone. My world of happiness collapsed, and the only thing that remained was an immense pain I could not comprehend.
Why did you do this to me…?
"What are you doing here all alone?"
Father stood at my bedroom door since when, I didn't know. I adjusted my facial expression from sullen to smiling.
"No, it's nothing."
I answered, but was surprised by father who came to pat my shoulder softly. This was the first time he gave me any warmth. The boiling anger in my heart quickly subsided.
"So your mother said you talked about getting married."
I looked into his eyes. It was filled with the kindness a father would have for a son that I never experienced. My chest hurt.
"You'll graduate in two weeks, so I think of you as an adult. If you want to leave the house to have a family of your own, I won't stop you."
Father had a tiny smile on his lips.
His words and expression rendered me speechless. Finally, my lifelong struggle was rewarded. I finally got father's warm words and a smile full of love.
But…
"Umm…there's no getting married, father. The woman dumped me."
Father's smile fell. He looked at me, confused, and sighed.
"Huh, what was I even expecting? So you haven't tried hard enough and the woman left you."
Father turned around. I wanted to call him but could not find my voice.
"When will you be able to accomplish something? Taking care of your sister is hard enough. I don't want to watch over you until your skin droops. Try to achieve something! If this goes on, you're just a waste of time…"
I'm trying.
Look at me.
Everything you said, I tried hard and did it.
But you never look at me.
Even though I tried my best.
Why does nobody care about me?!?!
I sank to the ground. The fulfillment of flying closer to the sun vanished even though it was just out of reach. The wings that sent me flying high…the wings I spent my whole life building scattered into pieces of burnt feathers and reduced to nothing but emptiness.
A shattered heart.
The collapsing ground.
Falling…
I looked at my hands. Nothing in them but ashes of burnt dreams. Only black soot remains, stuck to the creases of my palms like a plague.
Being sad won't help…
Yes, because I haven't tried enough…
I stood up and decided on something.
This…would be my last goal.
"Hmm? A dare to enter the abandoned factory near the tollway…? But umm… why? Even though Tee just got… uh, we can't even look at each other. Tee is not planning to get revenge on Yam, right?"
Yam was suspecting, but I laughed.
"You're overthinking. Yam, you're not only one I'm inviting. Whose thought was it that we should do something interesting before our graduation? It just so happens that I know the owner of that place so I'll be taking you guys. If you think I will do something bad, I can let you guys go without me."
"Oh, it's Kanatorn's idea, huh?"
Yam was less tense. She got into my trap.
"Alright then, Yam will call those guys."
The end of the week. Yam, me, and six other guys that used to pull pranks on me gathered in the thick grass lawn. The image of a large, old factory before us combined with the darkness of night made some of us go pale.
"This is worse than I expected."
Wasant, the four-eyes of our group pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.
"Hey man, even Tee is not scared. You more of a chicken than Tee?"
Kanatorn, or 'Kana' in short, was a tall man with large build because he was the university sports team captain. He poked Wasant in the ribs.
"Who's scared? I'm just saying this is different from what I was picturing."
"Really." Ken and the others said in unison. They were mocking him. These guys were the sidekicks that agree with anything Kanatorn would say.
"Keep your big mouth for when we get in there. If someone piss his pants, I'll post his pictures all over the internet."
Wasant used his phone as a videocamera as if we're on some ghostbusting reality show.
"Hey, hey! We agreed to leave our phone and unnecessary things in the car. Only you, your clothes, and a flashlight."
"What? I'm recording a video to blackmail all of you."
Their laughter echoed in the night. Kanatorn led everyone to the entrance. The gate was rusty but we could get through, and once we entered a pungent smell attacked our nostrils.
I pretended to linger at the back, but when no one was looking, I locked the front gate with a large silver chain, then hold it in place with a large lock.
The exit was sealed…
"Natee! Why the fuck did you lock the door?"
Kanatorn shouted from behind me. I wasn't expecting the dinosaur-brained guy to see through my plans.
"Why did you fucking lock it? What are you trying to do?"
He grabbed my collar in frustration and shout at my face. His voice drew the attention of the entire group.
"Tell me!!!!"
Bang!!!!
A bullet pierced Kanatorn's leg. Smell of smoke wafted from the muzzle. Everyone stared at the gun in my hand, wide-eyed.
"You wanted to see if this place was haunted, though?"
I said nonchalantly, like a judge saying his verdict.
"How would you meet the ghosts if you're not dead too?"
The gun pointed at Kanatorn's face. Fear gushed from him.
I slowly pressed my finger on the trigger and…
"Arghhhh!!!!"
Before I drew the trigger, someone in our group cried.
All flashlights were directed to the same spot.
A woman in white who did not belong in our group bit Ken's neck and didn't let go. Her long nails pierced his abdomen, and when she pulled, white meat came off in her mouth. She swallowed it hungrily, leaving the prey to convulse and bawl on the ground trying to stop the spurting fountain of blood with his hands.
That second, everything went chaotic. Yam screamed. Wasant's group scattered, and Kanatorn used that chance to run away from me. The pair of emotionless eyes met mine.
"Waghh!!!!"
Panic seized me and I shot at her twice. Even though I hit the spot, the woman did not even flinch.
"What the fuck is this monster? Why can't the bullet kill it!?"
The white maiden used one arm to throw Ken to one side and dashed straight for my throat. I bent sideways and dodged, but fell and hit my head. The gun in my hand fell into the dark while I slipped trying to stand up in Ken's pool of blood.
"…Natee…help…me…"
Ken pleaded for help and held out his hand. I pulled a wry face, not because I felt pity. People like them should just fuck off and die. But I was scared…scared that I would end up like him.
"No! No! No! I don't wanna die!"
I slapped his hand away and ran, struggled to climb up the zinc stairs like a prey running away from a pack of lions. The woman screeched and chased after me.
Need to hide…need somewhere to hide…
I ran to the closest door.
First room, locked.
Second, locked again.
Third, fucking open, damn it!
And fourth…
The rusty door opened. I squeezed in the small gap and pulled the knob to close the door, but no matter how much force I applied, the rust made it difficult for the door to move.
A little bit more… it's almost closed!!!
Then I heard someone stopping in front of the door. I looked up, wondering who it may be.
In the small gap…someone… a woman in white…
Her lips parted into a bloody smirk.
"Ahhhh!!!!!"
I yanked the knob and the door closed, with me falling backwards and hitting the wall. My vision blurred got darker and darker.
Scrape…scrape…scrape…
She's outside, screeching her banshee voice and using her nails to scrape the door to get to me.
Stop it. This is a nightmare.
I'm dying. This can't be real.
This is a dream…
It would be great if reality turned into a dream.
I wished with my entire existence before I blacked out.
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