She didn't move. Tom stood looking from one to the other, fresh tears sliding down his face. It was as if he'd been punctured, losing air and energy. 'Really, Dad, I can't do it. I shouldn't've done any of it. It's all my fault.'
'So, you're going to plead guilty, are you?' Dad dragged him to the bed and made him sit down. 'You'll get three or four years in prison, you'll be on the sex offenders register and come out as a convicted rapist. Is that what you want?'
'No, but I don't want this either.'
Dad got a hanky from his pocket and shoved it at him. 'It's a ridiculous step to plead guilty, when the conviction rate is so low. You have every chance of getting off.'
Tom listened so hard he forgot to breathe. He listened with every fibre, like he was falling from a mountain and Dad was yelling survival instructions.
'This new statement means nothing,' Dad went on, 'not really, the police said as much. There's no physical evidence, is there? No photos or videos, or texts, only her word against yours. The incentives for you to plead guilty are non-existent.'
He talked statistics and attrition rates and made everything seem so polarized two foolish girls, one misunderstood boy. Tom made the occasional effort to struggle against it, but the simplicity of Dad's argument was overwhelming. In court, the barrister would discredit both girls. Karyn wanted to sleep with Tom and regretted it later. Ellie was love-struck by Mikey and would do anything for him. Karyn got drunk and partied too hard. Ellie got seduced and betrayed her family.
There was a hush in the room when Dad finally ran out of words. Ellie noticed a change in herself too, as if her mind had been washed. She felt very cold and still inside.
'Eleanor?' Dad whispered into the silence. 'I told you to leave.'
She nodded goodbye to Tom and he nodded back at her, like polite strangers bidding farewell in a hotel lobby. She closed the door very gently behind her.
Forty-five.
Mikey threw a stone. It missed Ellie's bedroom window, hit the drainpipe and ricocheted off into a bush. He wasn't giving up though, not until he'd spoken to her.
He found another stone and lobbed that. It clipped the edge of the window. He waited, crouching on the grass in the quiet garden. But nothing moved. Nothing happened. He rooted around, found a bigger stone and swung his arm back.
The door was yanked open.
Shit! Not Ellie, but her mum. 'What on earth are you doing?'
'Is Ellie in?'
Her mum stepped out onto the porch in her dressing gown and slippers. 'Are you throwing stones at my windows?'
'They didn't break.'
'That's hardly the point.'
'Is she in?'
'Have you heard of a telephone?'
'She doesn't pick up.'
'And what does that tell you?'
It told him Ellie was unhappy, same as he was. It told him they needed to speak.
Her mum folded her arms at him. 'How did you get in? If you climbed our gate, that's trespass.'
'I just want to see her.'
'And throwing stones at windows is criminal damage, so I suggest you leave before I call the police.'
Behind her, on the floor at the bottom of the stairs, was a black leather briefcase that gleamed. Maybe Ellie's dad had an early morning visit to the barrister planned. They had a good one, Karyn said; a famous one who never lost a case. Police, fathers, barristers they weren't going to put him off.
He took a step back to check out the top-floor windows. 'Ellie!' he yelled.
'Stop it,' her mum hissed, 'or I'll get my husband.'
'Ellie!'
'I mean it, stop it now!'
It was a total shock when Ellie appeared in the doorway, suddenly there, behind her mother. She was in her pyjamas. She looked knackered, her eyes bruised with tiredness. He wanted to pick her up and carry her to safety.
She said, 'What are you doing here?'
'I had to see you.'
'Has something happened?'
Her mum barred the door with her arm. 'Inside!'
Ellie ignored her. 'Is Karyn OK?'
'We have to talk.'
Her mum tried to nudge her. 'Dad's only in the shower. If he comes down, there'll be hell to pay.'
Nobody's dad was scaring him off and he took a step closer to prove it. 'You haven't been at school. I waited at the gate every afternoon.'
'I missed a few days and now I've got study leave.'
'I texted you. You never texted back.'
'I'm sorry. I thought it was best.'
He shuffled his feet on the grass. 'There's something I have to tell you.'
'Something important?'
'Kind of.'
She gazed at him steadily for a second, then turned to her mum. 'Is that OK?'
Her mum glanced behind her, looked uncertain. 'What about Dad?'
Ellie smiled softly at her. 'Do you have to tell him?'
Her mum fiddled with a button on her dressing gown. 'All right, I'll make some excuse.' She nodded at Mikey. 'Make it quick.'
She wandered back up the hallway. Ellie pulled the door shut behind her and looked at him. 'What is it? What's wrong?'
But he was lost for words. When he thought about her, he remembered her at the cottage, her eyes fiery, daring to love him. But standing here in front of him, she looked defeated and sad. He hadn't imagined this.
She shouldn't be here with him. She should be up in her room with her revision notes and practice papers, watching the morning stretch across the ceiling. She shouldn't be in the garden with this strange warmth filtering through her.
'You want to walk somewhere?' he said.
She wanted to run, not walk down to the river and under the trees. For days she'd thought of him and now he was here, so close and beautiful it hurt.
She shook her head. 'I can't.'
'That's not a reason. Tell me why not.'
What could she say? Because they might kiss again? Because if they did she might not know how to stop, or even if she wanted to? Because Karyn deserved not to be hurt any more? Because Mikey deserved to get on with his life and the best way of doing that was for her to leave him alone?
'What have they done to you, Ellie?'
Why did she love it so much when he said her name out loud? Like no one else had ever done it.
'Nothing.' She sat down on the step and hugged her knees. 'I mustn't be long.'
He sat down next to her. She didn't look at him. If she looked, she'd fall and she'd promised herself she wouldn't.
He said, 'Is your dad still giving you a hard time?'
'He's mostly going for the silent treatment now.'
'And how's your brother?'
'You want to talk about him?'
'Why not?'
Because if she talked about Tom, she might give soft parts of herself away. And she mustn't be weak. She shrugged, pretended not to care. 'He's scared mostly. I'm not allowed to see him any more, but that's what they tell me.'
'What about your mum is she being nice?'
'Yeah, she's cool. She says reassuring things and I say them back. What about you? How's your life? You got another job yet?'
'Not yet. My mum rang up the college though and they really do have an NVQ in catering. You remember when I said about that?'
She nodded. It was the very first night, by the river.
'Anyway,' he said, 'it might come to nothing, but I got the forms and filled them in, so you never know.' He nudged her. 'I might see you there in September.'
But she wouldn't, because if he got into college she'd have to go somewhere else. Maybe there was some great-aunt no one had told her about who she could stay with? Or perhaps she'd live in her gran's cottage and do a distance learning course. She'd grow flowers, swim. Let Mikey go.
His foot came off the step and onto the grass next to her foot, and suddenly their two feet were together. Knock, knock, his foot touched hers and it felt like hers was on fire, as if her whole being lived where he touched.
She snatched her foot away and shuffled further along the step. 'So, what did you want to tell me?'
She kept very still as he pulled out his tobacco and put a cigarette together. 'It's about Karyn,' he said.
'What about her?'
'I didn't want you to find out by text.'
'Just tell me.'
He lit the rollie behind his cupped hand and took a long drag. He blew it out hard, then looked right at her. 'She's going back to school on Tuesday to do her Art exam.'
They looked at each other for a second. It felt like a needle had found the centre of her pain. 'The same exam as me.'
'I know.'
The two of them in the same room for the whole day, surrounded by vicious kids who'd treat the whole thing as entertainment.
'They offered her a room on her own,' he said, 'but she didn't want it. She wants to be the same as everyone else. I thought you should know, but maybe the school told you already.'
'They didn't.'
He inched closer. 'Are you OK?'
She looked away across the lawn to the gate. 'I could have the room on my own. They could give it to me instead.'
'Karyn said you'd say that.'
'Did she? Is that what she wants? That's fine, I'll ask them to do that. Or I could take the exam some other time. I'll do it next year, or something.'
'Ellie, stop doing this.'
'Stop doing what?'
'Punishing yourself.' He leaned against the door frame so he faced her. 'It was your brother who hurt Karyn, not you.'
She jumped up. 'I have to go now.'
'Is that it? You're just going to walk away?'
He sighed and stood up. She tried to take notice of everything about him as he rubbed dirt from his jeans, pocketed the tobacco and ambled down the steps. She wanted to think of him later in her room, after he was gone. She loved the easiness of his body, the swing of his hips. He turned on the grass. His eyes were brown and gold. He had long eyelashes. He clenched his teeth, a muscle working there, making his jaw tense. His eyes glimmered with something dark.