Years ago I experienced the greatness of the Sinai desert, its crags and dunes, the heat and cold. I came to understand its desolation, its loneliness, its calm and fury. Now, during these troubled times, I long to return to the Sinai...have a lizard sit beside me, my straw- covered basket filled with golden dates.
In the Sinai I perfected my Greek to a greater extent and studied the classical Hebrew until it came easily.
The history of man became an important part of my meditations. Silence and the simoom became part of those devotions.
A tiny plant sprouted outside my tent and withstood the heat, cold and winds. It was my companion and incentive, a little calendar in leaves.
I found the same plant growing at Qumran, behind the monastery. While I studied there it survived several sand storms.
Locusts, dates, bread, honey-the wilderness taught me the true taste of food. During the months since the wilderness I have eaten well, too well, but the taste is lacking.
I have not thought as clearly as I thought when unencumbered by men. There, each morning was mine, each evening was mine. Worship was as natural as breathing.
My tent flaps billowed. They were pinned back every night by the stars. Heat and thirst were often there yet a sense of praise was foremost. Wonderment was on top of a dune. As I slept a mirage might come and bathe me in its cool water.
I slept on my boyhood blanket, one woven by my mother.
She wove it when I was ten.
Nazareth
Shevat 15
I am leaving Nazareth-leaving home.
It is farewell to friends and places, all I have loved.
Only in memory will I walk along the orchard creek and hunt for crayfish, think and stare as a boy thinks and stares. I had several pals... We had niches in cliffs where we often hid. We had an old fig we liked to climb; there was a cave where we lit fires. We found menhirs and dolmen-strange, strange things! In Galilee we had a stout little boat and we'd drift, drop anchor, fish for chromis and watch the pelicans.
There's a feeling to my Nazareth: the stars are brighter there, the sun seems a little bigger, the wind a little cooler. How good it was to turn a corner and think: Mama's home...supper is almost ready...Papa's working in his shop.
Nazareth
Shevat 20
Today was cool and windy.
I visited Simeon. I visited Mark. I visited Jude. I called on the captain, who has been transferred to Nazareth. His son sat in my lap a while. I did not say good-bye although I lingered at each place. I wanted to feel the peace of each place and keep it with me. I did not need to talk much. Being with friends was all I asked.
Oh, how the wind blew me along, flapping my cloak, flapping the olive branches, the weeds and the papyrus.
How hard it is to write.
Nazareth
Before I left home Father displayed the gifts of the Magi on his work bench, first removing his tools and shavings. He locked the door and lit two candles. Mother- so excited-seemed to be seeing the star as she handled the gifts.
"They haven't changed... Joseph, you've taken good care of them! Oh, they're so beautiful!"
And she knelt in the sawdust, the gold cup in her hands, its jewels redder than I had remembered. I had forgotten the gifts were so beautiful.
"Where have you kept them...in the synagogue? The geniza?" I asked.
Father nodded, frowning.
"We have decided to present them to the elders...tomorrow...at the meeting. They'll become the temple possessions. It's different with you going away...
Mother and I have decided..."
But I wasn't listening; I was absorbed in Mother's appreciation as she handled the gifts, kneeling or half- kneeling, smiling; her shoulders lost some of their age.
The myrrh box interested me, its aroma still evident, its chased lid yet untarnished. Mother lifted the clasp. The clasp was set with green stones. She called my attention to the ornamented hinges. She held out the gold cup to my father...
"I wish you hadn't worried about the gifts," she said with a sigh. "We ought to have enjoyed them...now we can see them at the temple... Look, Jesus, at this handle...ah, those were strange days in Bethlehem... God was with us..."
I loved her for her dreams and sacrifices.
I loved the hints of youth and beauty in her face.
Nazareth
Shevat 25
Tomorrow is my last day here.
As I lay on my pallet I heard rain lash our roof; I heard the wind in the trees. Then my mind dropped back and I remembered Mother singing, crooning to me, as I lay sick as a boy. I remembered songs in the evening. I heard her laughter as we played jacks. I smelled her barley bread... I smelled roasting lamb.... Father was in his workshop, his plane sliding; he was singing. As a child I loved his singing.
Now, silent, worried, he works in a preoccupied state, bothered by frequent visitors, concerned about my future.
"It is wrong of you to go to Jerusalem, wrong to throw yourself into the hands of your enemies."
There will be no more Festivals of Light.
At Nazareth I used to have a pet goat.
Memories... I can not tolerate juvenile memories any longer. I am not an old man. Memories must not impede my ministry.
There must be beauty. Life must have beauty.
Jerusalem