Henley Street
June 20, 1615
E
llen and I sailed the Thames, the water stippled with gulls; our hands locked, we stood at the stern and hoped for a smooth voyage, with love, our rudderbar credulous to us, the wind mild and lasting. In Venetian wine there would be happiness, we promised each other...
But why are you lost to me and I alive?
Ellen-what is this, that reaches round us and never arrives; what is this that promises return?
Ours was a proper departure, landing us on the Italian shore, love in a town of disinterested people.
Perhaps I want the impossible: yes, yes, I want that time when we were there in Naples, when we strolled the seaside; when we sailed the waterlanes and walked Roman streets and her fountains watched us with sleepy eyes, spray beaded on some bronze arm.
I dislike borrowing things and yet I'm borrowing memories, borrowing time, those bronzes, our return, our boat bucking seas, sending us north, ice off the larboard, back to reality, debts, conniving. We said good-bye but our good-bye was postponement. Our wheel became St. Catherine's. At a gypsy teller's tent there was a kind of double silence.
I lived for my work, starved for it.
With my pen I quartered the earth and green pastures and made them live for her and the witchcraft of hope, to shake off sadness and burst the anarchies of soul.
Incorrect to heaven, some say.
June 22, 1615
What a cocked up play, my Coriolanus. To fill my pocket! To fob off bad for good, that was it. I leaned on one crutch and fought with another-and fell. Too many of my plays were crutched. I borrowed too much from Plutarch and others. I worshipped royalty. I was too conventional, too romantic, borrowing plots, borrowing, borrowing, double sure, never sure, cocksure.
Henley
Midsummer-day
And I must guess the identity of her attackers-or why they wanted her life. Christ, we had our list of suspects. And what came of our grim suppositions?
Nothing. We said: was it robbery, I prithee? Jealousy?
Hatred? Politics? We said. We have said and I go on saying. Thrift, Horatio, thrift...and I have not saved.
Henley Street
June 26, 1615
Hamnet...
Today is your death day.
After you died I went to the shore and the sea's clods of wood and detritus infused in me a loneliness that nothing has every wiped out: a wrangle of foam goes on and on inside me; the grey that topped the abyss of ocean finds a darker grey in me; the gulls are sleep-flying for you.
Hamnet, my son...
Prince of my house, I loved you. We had such fun. Good day, sweet boy, how dost thou, good boy? May flights of angels sing you on your way. When you died, Stratford teemed with monsters. Your hand in mine, such a cold hand, you said adieu. What God was this to snuff you out at eleven. Grief stiffened me: I feel it today, when there should have been a birthday party not a remembrance. The sea rolls back on me as I sit here, my legs unable to move, pain working in me.
The Queen and her killings...time and its murders...they are alike! The unfairness of life, O what angels sing the truth? What angels! Go, fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't.
God took him from me...damn the God that steals your son.
King of grief they might have called me. Now, all is mended by many years: ours be your patience, your gentle hand lead us, and take our hearts.
I had thought to leave him something beside my father's coat-of-arms. I had thought to introduce him to the theatre, have him think about my plays, have him know the better part of London. He would have been a friend of Drake's; perhaps he might have sailed on Raleigh's Virginia voyages. Perhaps Jonson might have taught him Latin. Perhaps is my treadmill, and I wear it thin.
He went to a few plays with me and thrilled to them. He respected me. Loved me. What were his thoughts, as he died? To be such a short, short time on stage! Was he resentful, bewildered? I think he was confused because of the great fever. Good God, what was the use of his flowering? It was an error of the moon...it makes men mad.
To thine own self be true, they say, and I, still harping, I ask your credent ear to listen: we shall not look upon his like again?
Speak... I go no further.
Stratford-on-Avon
Flowers in my hand, I thought to visit his grave, but as I limped across the yard, thinking of the bone house and how each of us ends there, remembering those underneath my shoes, under the tree, under the threatening sky, I laid the flowers on another's grave, and the dove carved on that granite nodded, as it were, pecked me across the grass, among the weeds, reminding me of other men's grief.
That woman, over there on her knees, isn't that Nancy Richards? I recognize her shoulders and the back of her head. Her father died last month.
What stupidity, this crawling, mewing, kneeling, this unresurrectable world, with weeds that smell of dust.
I remember a king's grave in Denmark, with falcons carved on it, falcons of black marble, perched on top a branch, carved black centuries ago.
I walked through the rain, moving as fast as my legs would let me, my soul full of discord and dismay, wishing I had not gone, resolved to confine myself to myself, incarcerate my grief in my writing, or, if I could not write, be ennobled, not afflicted as other men are with contagion.
The fault, dear Brutus...
After his death, the dissentious Judith and Ann used to side against me: "He's no good, Judith," Ann preached vehemently. "What does he care for any of us! He's always away in London. You've heard him say that life's but a walkin' shadow. We're just so many shadows to him!"
I would stare at Judith after one of Ann's outbursts; I would look at her and through some sort of necromancy I would see Hamnet's face-I would remember our fun, our fishing, our swimming in the Avon.