That question hurts to think about. Literally hurts my heart. But, yet, she's with Dawson. So he can't be that special. Can he?
The more important question, though, is what am I going to do?
Should I confront her?
I'm afraid for her. Those words gave me a chill in the chapel, and they do the same to me now. I can't confront her. She's in trouble. She said she feels like she's living a lie. This isn't easy for her. I think about what she must be going through. She's almost kidnapped at her birthday party. Five days later, she's forced to not only leave all her friends, but have no contact with them. She was forced to leave her boyfriend, the surfer. She was sent to Eastbrooke. It's no wonder she got so upset when I quoted Keats. It's no wonder things are up in the air with them.
Although sometimes, like in the chapel, it feels like me and Keatyn are close, I know now that we aren't. I need to get to know her better. I need to find out what's in her heart. What's in her soul. And not just think about getting in her pants. In fact, I'm going to make a vow to myself right now. I'm going to take things slow with her. Be her friend. I don't want our relationship-whatever that turns out to be-based on anything other than trust.
I really wish we didn't fight, Aiden.
And I'm going to stop pushing for it to happen.
Because I don't want to fight either.
I close my laptop, then peek through my curtains at the moon again. It's a brilliant night, the sky full of stars.
I shut the curtains and turn off my lamp, leaving the twinkle lights on. As I lie in bed, I suddenly know how I'll ask her to Homecoming. I want to give her the moon and the stars.
Sunday, September 25th Quite limber.
10am Logan and I grab a smoothie then go down to the gym to work out. It's fairly early on Sunday morning and pretty quiet.
"So, how'd last night go?" he asks as he adds more weight to the barbell I'm getting ready to bench press. "You and Ashley hook up?"
"What about you?" I ask, avoiding the question and hoping to distract him.
"Yeah. Get this, we did it in the stairwell of her dorm. That was a first."
"You could have gotten caught."
"I know, but that's what made it all the more exciting. Plus the railings," he says as I grunt, pushing the weight upward.
"Good job," he says, spotting for me. "You want more weight?"
"No, this is hard enough," I laugh. "So back to the railings."
"She's a cheerleader. A gymnast. Quite limber," he says with a smirk. "Use your imagination. My ass was warm while yours was probably freezing on the lacrosse bleachers..." He stops mid-sentence.
I do another rep then sit up and see the reason for the interruption. At one end of the weight room is a glass-enclosed yoga room. Maggie just walked in, rolled out a yoga mat, and started her workout by putting her hands above her head almost as if in prayer, then she switches to a different position. I don't know the name of the yoga poses, but apparently Logan does.
"Downward dog," he says with a sigh. "Gotta love yoga."
"Probably because she's not wearing much," I agree.
"I know, those skimpy spandex shorts, the bra top. She has her hair in a braid just like the first time we kissed-" He moves quickly, hurt in his eyes. "My turn," he says. "Give me twenty over my personal best."
"Logan, why don't you go do some yoga instead? Talk to her."
"One. She hates me. Two. She probably already knows I was with Alicia. Nothing is private here. And three. She hates me."
"Maybe you should ask her to Homecoming," I suggest. His eyes linger on Maggie, making me feel bad for him. It's obvious that he still loves her. "I don't understand why you won't talk to her."
"We do talk."
"I mean about your relationship. You like her. Fix it."
"No thanks. I'll take messy drunken stairway sex over having my heart stomped on again, thank you very much. Now, be a good spotter and add more weight." When he notices she's looking in our direction, he flexes in the mirror, popping out the back muscles that all the girls seem to love. Then he lies down and benches a new personal best-which means he gets to ring the bell.
"You're totally showing off for her," I tease.
"Shut up," he replies as he runs over to the big bell close to the yoga room and rings it loudly.
After our workout, we head back to the dorm.
"You want to go into town for lunch? Chinese, maybe?"
"No, I can't. I have some stuff to do."
"Homework sucks," he says.
I nod, even though that's not what I'm talking about.
I shower, get dressed, then drive into the city and hit numerous stores before I have everything I need.
When I get back to my dorm, I set up the ladder I borrowed from the janitor and lock my door.
I don't want anyone to see what I'm doing.
I want her to be the first to see it.
Two hours later, I lie back on the bed and decide it looks like shit.
She's going to hate it.
Hell, I hate it.
I can't even make out the word. The stars look completely random.
And then there's the stupid moon.
It's like it's making fun of me.
I throw it onto the floor in a huff.
Then I rip the stars all down and start over. This time going about the process in a more meticulous fashion, measuring it all out on paper before I place the stars to form each letter.
Hours later, my stomach growling and my arms aching from being up above my head for so long, I decide it's finished.
It's already dark, but I close my blinds anyway, turn off the lights, then collapse onto my bed.
It takes a few minutes for the stars to glow, but when they do, I can't help but smile.
She's going to love it.
I hope.
And after she says yes, I'm going to tell her that I know who she really is.
I fall asleep thinking how amazing it's going to be.
As I'm leaving the field house, I notice Keatyn slip behind the bushes not far from the door. I'm going to say something witty, but then I see Dawson get into a limo with Whitney.
Are they going to leave without her or did she decide not to go?
Wait, did she and Dawson break up?
I want to jump for joy and then kiss her, but her body language changes. Her shoulders slump forward in defeat, and I realize she's not happy about whatever just transpired.
"Why are we hiding in the bushes?" I whisper. "Aren't you going with them?"
As she turns around, her chest brushes across mine-the unmistakable jolt of energy I know we both feel every time we touch causing her to hop backwards and almost fall into the bushes. I reach out and grab her, holding her upright.
Tears fill her gorgeous eyes.
"Whitney told me right before the game was over that even though I was sitting there when she asked, that I wasn't invited. Then she said something nasty about me being Dawson's flavor of the week and how he's going to hook up with Rachel. I was going to cancel on him anyway. I have a car coming to pick me up in the morning and then I'm going to New York. I guess Dawson is still mad at me about today. Or maybe Whitney is right, and I am just the flavor of the week."
I listen to her every word, thrilled that she's standing here in my arms, but mad that my sister and her friends could be so mean.
"You know, you're even beautiful when you cry," I say, brushing a few tears from her cheek.
"If this is the new and improved Aiden, I like him better already.
I realize I need to do what's best for her, not me. "I think you should still go. Show Whitney that she doesn't affect you. You have to stand up to bullies."
"I'm not sure I'm strong enough for that. Not with everything that happened today."
I give her a reassuring hug and whisper in her ear. "Everything will be okay, I promise."
She smiles through her tears. "You're right, Aiden. Thank you."
I take her hand and lead her to the limo.
The door opens. Whitney gets out, and Keatyn gets in.
I turn around and make my way back to the field house, wondering why I did that.
Whitney joins me. "I didn't think you'd be able to talk her into coming," she says with an evil laugh. "Which is ironic, because now she's going to get what she's got coming."
"What are you talking about?"
Whitney pulls out a gun and shoots me.
Bang. Bang.
I can feel each bullet slicing through my flesh. Burning.
Pain.
Whitney pulls off a mask, revealing that it's not really her but rather a man with dark hair and menacing eyes.
The man says, "Thank you for helping me set this all up."
This man must be the stalker.
And I led her straight to him.
I have to save her.
When I move to take a step forward, I collapse onto the ground.
I look up, seeing the man, shoving Keatyn back into the limo, a gun pointed at her head.
I know that I'm dying.
That the stalker has Keatyn because of me.
And there's nothing I can do to protect her.
Everything isn't going to be alright.
I wake up, white light blinding me. Thank goodness, it was just a dream.
But then I touch my chest, feel the bullet holes, and see my blood pumping out from my chest and pooling on the pristine floor underneath me.
Is this heaven? Am I dead?
My father's face appears before me. "I told you that you can't demand someone's trust. You have to earn it. And, now, look what you've done."
The blood on the floor turns into red hot flames, burning me alive.
As the fire sears my skin, I realize too late that I forced her trust rather than earned it. I screwed up again.
I want to fix it, but it's too late.
"Keatyn!" I cry out, the flames engulfing me as I look up and notice the glow-in-the dark stars above my head spelling out Homecoming?
I wake with a start, in a pool of sweat, her name still on my lips, light pouring in from the curtains I forgot to close last night.