Me: Yeah. But I look like crap. Be prepared.
I walk out, and Dawson says, "Casual, yes. Crap, no."
I smile. He snakes his arm around my waist. "You always come out here with practically nothing on, then I have to give you my sweatshirt."
"Oh, sorry, I, um, I'll run back in and grab one."
"No, you're not. I love seeing you wear my clothes." He pulls his sweatshirt off over his head, pulls it down over mine. "This feels familiar," he says, then pulls the hoodie strings toward him and me in close to his lips.
"Did you really know right away you screwed up? Like before you even hung out with her?"
"I told you, the second you were gone, I knew I made a mistake. I didn't mean to hurt you. You're the last person I'd want to hurt."
"And after you hung out with her, when you said the past is history. What did you mean by that?"
"I meant that she's part of my past, not my future. You are my future. Well, I hope you are. Keatie, I love you."
"Oh. Please don't say that."
"Fine, but I'm kissing you." And he does. And it feels nice. Hopeful. We even made out a bit. My body started responding the way it usually does when we make out. It wants him. But no. I can't do that. Not now. I can't confuse the situation any more than it is now. And I can tell his body is um, responding too. He starts to run his hands up my back, underneath my shirt. I pull him in closer to me and kiss him a little harder.
Then I say, "I have to go. I don't need another detention."
"Okay, bye, Keatie. I don't know if this was another chance or us starting to start over, but thank you. Thank you for believing me."
"I don't think I believe you, but I enjoyed kissing you."
"Well that sounds like a start."
Tuesday, September 27th I need some new adjectives.
8:40 pm Didn't do my homework last night. After I came in from kissing Dawson, I filled the girls in on what went down, and then told them all that I was exhausted. I also told them that I owe them still for the posters and campaigning they all did. So I am going to take them all out for tacos tonight. The freshman game is away, so we will have time.
I did all my homework for each class in the class before it, and managed to get everything done, mostly. I was gonna have a late grade on a math worksheet that I forgot about, but I told her all about Dawson and me breaking up, and she gave me an extra day.
None of us girls are old enough to drive into town, and plus I think it'd be fun to take the boys, so we invite Riley, Dawson, Dallas, Parker, Ace, Jake, Bryce and Tyrese. Tyrese has starting dating this girl, and I swear she's been keeping him under lock and key because I haven't seen him for like two weeks.
I tutored Aiden right before dinner, and he acted so weird. Like we hadn't even kissed. I swear that boy is so hot and cold. It's going to drive me to drink.
Haha, or maybe not. I don't plan on drinking again for a long time.
At least not tequila shots.
We had fun at dinner. I was relaxed around Dawson, and he really is sweet, and I think I'm starting to forgive him. Kinda.
After dinner, we went back to his room.
To talk.
In theory.
But we don't talk much because we start kissing. He lays me back on his bed, and we kiss, and kiss, and kiss. He runs his hands up the sides of my shirt, pulls it off. Kisses my neck, my chest, my stomach. Then he stops, puts an arm above my shoulder and leans in close to my face. "We haven't been talking. I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time starting over. My body remembers how good we are together and it wants you. But we'll stop kissing, okay? What do you want to talk about?"
"I just have one thing to say."
"What's that."
"Don't stop kissing me." I grab his shirt, pull him back toward my lips.
"Mmhhmmm."
And we're really kissing, majorly making out. He's doing some other stuff to me that I very much enjoy. I start to feel that familiar yearn. I want him.
Why was it again that I don't want to have sex with him?
Was it because I wanted to punish him a bit? But isn't that sort of punishing me too?
I want to. And oh my gosh. He is, well his tongue is doing things to me that I also shouldn't be letting him do, but I don't stop him. I want to feel close to him again. I want to know if it's changed things. He said things were different with him Peyton when they kissed. Things are not different when we kiss. I still feel the same desire, the same emotions. I'm ready to take things further, all the way further. He seems very ready. This is the point where we both just know we want to. Since that first time, we never question it. It just feels so good and so right, that we just do it. And I'm ready for that. Expecting that. I'm guiding him toward me, and he stops.
"Keatie. I want this more than you know. But I want you to be okay with it. I don't want you to regret it. I never want you to ever regret what we do. I know maybe it sounds empty because of what happened, but I love you. I really really do."
He strokes my hair, runs the back of his hand down the side of my face, sweeps it across my chin. I lean my head into his hand, and he cradles my face in his palm, looks into my eyes. I don't break the stare. I tilt my hips up a little higher, grab his hips and guide him into me. He was a bit shocked by this I think. His eyes got big, but then he smiles at me and starts pushing in and out slowly, leans down and kisses me. The kisses match the intensity of the sex. Slow and gentle to start, then deeper and harder and faster, until he can't keep kissing me because it's gotten so intense. Finally he collapses on top of me, breathing heavily. I hug him tight. He sprinkles little kisses down the side of my cheek, across my shoulder.
"That was amazing."
I laugh at him. "You always say that."
"Sorry, I need some new adjectives. I'll get back to you on that. I'm having a hard time thinking right now." He grabs a strand of my hair, is absentmindedly twirling it around his finger.
"What are you thinking about?"
"How lucky I am. Does this mean we're back together?"
"No. We're starting over, remember?"
"Yeah, but."
"If you recall when we started, this happened pretty quickly."
He smiles big. "I do recall. And I swear it won't end like before. So are we going out or not?"
"We're not. Just like we weren't then."
"Right. We're taking it slow again."
I grin. "Something like that, yes."
He glances at the clock, "We better get you home. I don't want you to be late."
I glance at the clock, see that he's right, plus they do room checks in like fifteen minutes, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to be caught in here like this. We quickly get dressed, walk arm in arm back to my dorm, have a long meaningful kiss and say good night.
I'm laying in my bed almost asleep when Katie yells, "What happened with you and Dawson tonight?"
"We just, you know, we're starting over."
"He just changed his relationship status," she says, as my phone buzzes.
I pick it up and read that I'm supposed to approve It's complicated with Keatyn Monroe. And I don't know who came up with that relationship status when they like invented facebook, but I'm thinking I couldn't have described it any better myself. Because it is complicated. (I have to admit, I was a little mad when this happened. But at the same time, I get it.) Wednesday, Sept 28th A tutoring field trip French Final planning and coordinating for the big French themed weekend took place this morning. Cruised through my classes, didn't go to the cafe for lunch, was in the school office making copies of the weekend's itinerary to hand out. Brad met me there, and I casually asked him about his romantic life. He told me he doesn't really have one. He had a girlfriend from home over summer, but they ended it when they came back to school. I asked him who he wants to date here, and he told me in confidence that he thinks sometimes Peyton flirts with him. I was surprised by this, told him they'd be cute together, and that she didn't have a date for homecoming. Maybe he should think about asking her before someone else does. He said he'd think about it, and that he's afraid he might be imagining it.
Aiden leans up and says, "So, it's complicated?"
"Well, yeah, it is. Very complicated."
"So un-complicate it."
"How am I supposed to do that?"
"Hmmm, well you can start by bringing your lips and boots to dinner with me tonight. There's no games, and I just thought maybe we could kick off French week a little early."
"How are we going to do that?"
"You like French food?"
"Uh, yeah."
"There's this little place not too far from here. I thought we could go. It's kinda nice."
"Is this like a date?"
"No, it's tutoring with food. Or you could call it a tutoring field trip, whichever you prefer."
"Oh, so nothing special, huh?" I put on a little pout. I kinda do want it to be a date. Is that bad?
He rolls his eyes at me. "Fine. I would like it to be like a date. I just don't know what complicated means."
"Well right now it means that he and I don't know what we are. We're single though. Like I can go out, date, kiss, whoever I want."
"Can he?"
I don't like the sound of Dawson dating, kissing, whoever he wants, but technically, he can.
"Yeah, he says he's not, but he could. The whole it's complicated thing was his idea. He wants to get back together, but I just can't. I'm single."
"I don't really think you are. You're still sitting with him at lunch, he wants to go out with you again. Is he like wooing you?"
"Wooing me?"
Which is a very funny thing to call it. And I think back to what I thought about Brooklyn. How I told my mom I wanted a guy who thought I was worth it. Worth the effort. What is Dawson doing besides wooing me into bed? And does that even count as wooing?
"Yes. Is he taking you out? Being sweet, making you fall in love with him?"
I sit there for a second and thing about that.
"Uh..."
"If you don't know the answer to that, the answer is no."
And that thought stays with me for the rest of the day.
Woo me?
4:45 pm After dance my big sister, Peyton, says, "Hey, Keatyn, come here."
Usually a sure sign that she's going to chew me out about something. What did I do now?
"How are you doing?"
"Uh, fine."
"I am really sorry about the whole Dawson thing. I didn't mean to hurt you, or him. I saw he changed his relationship status. Does that mean you're giving him another chance?"
I sigh. I've been thinking about this all day.
"I don't know what I'm doing, really. I didn't expect this to be so complicated. I like him a lot. And last night, we um, sorta maybe did some stuff that made him think things were on the right track."
"You had sex?"
"I don't think I can talk to you about this."
"No. It's okay. I know it hurt you, but the truth is he and I never really ended things. So we both wondered. And by us hanging out this weekend, it was pretty obvious to both of us that we aren't really supposed to be together. We just needed that closure. I know he likes you, he says he loves you, says you're amazing together."
"I thought we were, but your stupid brother said something to me today that has me wondering. Did Dawson like woo you?"
"Woo me?" (So, this conversation seems really odd here, knowing that it was her fault they broke up. Had to be changed to Whitney.) "Yeah, like cute little gifts or notes or candy? Did he score points for you and make you dance with him, did he hang lights on his ceiling, give you four leafed clovers, write on a football for you?"
She looks very confused by all this. "Uh, no. He just asked me out one day, and we went to a movie, and we were sorta together ever since. But he was thoughtful and sweet, like he'd bring me breakfast sometimes, and we always had fun when we hung out. And we did stuff, we just, and I honestly shouldn't even say this."
"No, tell me."
"We didn't have like passion. Like I didn't feel like you know that strong desire you read about in books. Like Jake, I don't feel like that about him, so we haven't done anything really more than make out, but there is someone that every time he talks to me, like makes me kinda swoon."
"Really, who?"
She looks cute and embarrassed and whispers, "Brad."
"Oh my gosh, really? He is so sweet and cute too. Why don't you go out with him? I know he's not dating anyone."
"He hasn't asked me out. And I've been with Jake, mostly to get back at Dawson. Plus he's only a junior."