Dancing with Mab was like dancing with a shadow. She moved so gracefully, so lightly that had my eyes been closed, I might not have been able to tell that she was there at all. I felt lumbering and clumsy beside her, but managed not to trip over my own feet.
"That was well-done, wizard," Mab murmured. "No one has lifted a hand to them that way since the days of Tam Lin."
"I wanted them to understand the nature of our relationship."
"It would seem you succeeded," she said. "The next time they come at you, they will not do it so openly."
"I'll handle it."
"I expect nothing less," Mab said. "In the future, try to avoid being at such a stark disadvantage. Sarissa may not be there to rescue you a second time."
I grunted. Then I frowned and said, "You wanted this to happen tonight. It wasn't just about me staring down your nobles. You're setting something into motion."
Her lips quirked slightly at one corner in approval. "I chose well. You are ready, my Knight. It is time for me to give you my first command."
I swallowed and tried not to look nervous. "Oh?"
The song came to a close with Mab standing very close to me, lifting her head slightly to whisper into my ear. The Sidhe applauded politely and without enthusiasm, but the sound was enough to muffle what she whispered into my ear.
"Wizard," she said, her breathy voice trembling. Every syllable bubbled with venom, with hate. "Kill my daughter. Kill Maeve Kill Maeve."
Chapter Eight
Dancing with Mab was like rapidly downing shots of well-aged whiskey. Being that close to her, to her beauty, to her bottomless eyes, hit me pretty hard. The scent of her, cool and clean and intoxicating, lingered in my nose, a disorienting pleasure. I'd thrown around a lot of energy to pull off the pair of chunk-making combos, and between that and Mab's proximity, I was having a little trouble walking a straight line after the dance.
It wasn't like I had feelings for her. I didn't feel the kind of low pulse of physical attraction that I would around a pretty woman. I didn't particularly like like her. I sure as hell didn't feel any love for her. It was simply impossible to be that close to her, to that kind of deadly power and beauty, to that kind of immortal hunger and desire, without it rattling the bars of my cage. Mab wasn't human, and wasn't meant for human company. I had no doubt whatsoever in my mind that long-term exposure to her would have serious, unpleasant side effects. her. I sure as hell didn't feel any love for her. It was simply impossible to be that close to her, to that kind of deadly power and beauty, to that kind of immortal hunger and desire, without it rattling the bars of my cage. Mab wasn't human, and wasn't meant for human company. I had no doubt whatsoever in my mind that long-term exposure to her would have serious, unpleasant side effects.
And never mind mind what she had just asked me to do. what she had just asked me to do.
The consequences of that kind of action would be... really, really huge. And only an idiot would willingly involve himself in direct action on a scale that significant-which really didn't say anything good about me, given how often I'd been the guy wearing the idiot's shoes.
After our dance, Mab returned to her high seat and surveyed the chamber through barely open eyes, a distant figure, now garbed in pure white and untouchable again. As my head came out of the cold, numb clarity of wielding Winter, the aches and pains the Redcap had given me began to resurface in a big way. Fatigue began piling up, and when I looked around for a place to sit down, I found Cat Sith sitting nearby, his wide eyes patient and opaque.
"Sir Knight," the malk said. "You do not suffer fools." There was the faintest hint of approval in his tone. "What is your need?"
"I've had enough party," I said. "Would it inconvenience the Queen for me to depart?"
"If she wished you to stay, you would be at her side," Cat Sith replied. "And it would seem that you have introduced yourself adequately."
"Good. If you do not mind," I said, "please ask Sarissa to join me."
"I do not mind," Cat Sith said in a decidedly approving tone. He vanished into the party and appeared a few moments later, leading Sarissa. She walked steadily enough, though she still had my handkerchief pressed to her mouth.
"You want to get out of here?" I asked her.
"It's a good idea," she said. "Most of the VIPs left after your dance. Things will... devolve from here."
"Devolve?" I asked.
"I don't care to stay," she said, her tone careful. "I would prefer to leave."
I frowned, and then realized that she was trying to get a read on me. I simultaneously became acutely aware of a number of Sidhe ladies who were... I would say "lurking" except that you don't generally use that word with someone so beautiful. There were half a dozen of them, though, who were staying nearby, and whose eyes were tracking me. I felt disconcertingly reminded of a documentary I'd once seen about lionesses involved in a cooperative hunt. There was something about them that was very similar.
One, a ravishing dark-haired beauty wearing leather pants and strategically applied electrical tape, stared hard at me and, when she saw me looking, licked her lips very, very slowly. She trailed a fingertip over her chin, down across her throat, and down over her sternum and gave me a smile so wicked that its parents should have sent it to military school.
"Oh," I said, understanding. Despite my fatigue, my throat felt dry and my heart revved up a bit. "Devolving."
"I'll go," Sarissa said. "I don't expect anything from you simply because we arrived together."
A Sidhe lady with deep indigo blue hair had sidled up to Miss Electrical Tape, and the two slid their arms around each other, both staring at me. Something inside me-and I'd be lying if I said that none of it was mine-let out a primal snarl and advised me to drag both of them back to my cave by the hair and do whatever I damned well pleased with them. It was an enormously powerful impulse, something that made me begin to shift my balance, to take a step toward them. I arrested the motion and closed my eyes.
"Yeah," I said. "Yeah, they look great, but that isn't a fantasy come true, Harry. That's a wood chipper in Playboy Playboy bunny clothing." I shook my head and turned deliberately away from temptation before I opened my eyes again. "We'll both go," I said to Sarissa. "It'd be a bad idea to stay." I offered her my arm. bunny clothing." I shook my head and turned deliberately away from temptation before I opened my eyes again. "We'll both go," I said to Sarissa. "It'd be a bad idea to stay." I offered her my arm.
She frowned thoughtfully at me for a moment before she put her hand on my arm. We left, again preceded by Cat Sith. Once we were in the icy hallways, she asked me, "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Leave," she said. "You wanted to stay. And... let's just say that the, ah, appetite of Sidhe ladies has never been overstated. And nothing excites them more than violence and power. There are men who would literally kill to have the opportunity you just passed up."
"Probably," I said. "Morons."
"Then why turn it down?" she asked.
"Because I'm not a goddamned sex doll."
"That's a good reason to avoid attention that is forced on you," she said. "But that isn't what happened. Why pass up what they were offering?"
We walked for a while before I answered. "I've already made one choice that... that took everything away from me," I said. "I don't know how much longer I'll be around, or how much of a life I can make for myself now. But I'm going to live as much of it as I can as my own man. Not somebody's prison bitch. Not the flavor of the day."
"Ah," she said, and frowned faintly.
I blinked several times and suddenly realized what she'd been trying to find out. "Oh. You're wondering if I turned them down because I was planning to have you you instead." instead."
She gave me an oblique look. "I wouldn't have phrased it that way."
I snorted. "I'm not."
She nodded. "Why not?"
"Does it matter?" I asked.
"Why always matters."
It was my turn to give Sarissa an appraising look. "Yeah, it does."
"So, why not?"
"Because you aren't a goddamned sex doll, either."
"Even if I were willing?" she asked.
My stomach jumped a little at that. Sarissa was attractive as hell, and I liked her. I'd made her smile and laugh on occasion. And it had been a while.
Man, story of my life. It seems like it's almost always been a while.
But you have to think about more than what is going to happen in the next hour.
"You're here because Mab ordered you to be here," I said. "Anything we did would have an element of coercion to it, no matter how it happened. I'm not into that."
"You saved my life just now," Sarissa said. "Some people might think you'd earned my attentions."
"People think stupid things all the time. The only opinion that matters is yours." I glanced at her. "Besides, you probably saved me right back. Toting steel into the heart of Winter. Using it right in front of Mab herself? That's crazy."
She smiled a little. "It would have been crazy not to tote it," she said. "I've learned a few things in my time here."
We had reached the doors to my suite, which still felt awkward to say, even in my own head. My suite. Guys like me don't have suites. We have lairs. Cat Sith had departed discreetly. I hadn't seen him go.
"How long has it been?" I asked.
"Too long," she said. She hadn't taken her hand off of my arm.
"You know," I said, "we've been working together for a while now."
"We have."
"But we haven't ever talked about ourselves. Not really. It's all been surface stuff."
"You haven't talked about you," she said. "I haven't talked about me."
"Maybe we should change that," I said.
Sarissa looked down. There were points of color in her cheeks. "I... Should we?"
"You want to come in?" I asked. "To talk. That's all."
She took a moment to choose her words. "If you want me to."
I tried to think about this from Sarissa's point of view. She was a beautiful woman who had to be constantly aware of male interest. She was a mortal living in a world of faeries, most of whom were malicious, all of whom were dangerous. Her introduction to the office of the Winter Knight had been Lloyd Slate, who had been one monstrous son of a bitch. She had some kind of relationship with Mab herself, a being who could have her destroyed at any moment she was displeased with Sarissa.
And I was Mab's hatchet man.
She'd been targeted for death for no better reason than that she happened to be my date at the party. She'd nearly died. Yet she'd taken action to save herself-and me, too-and now here she was standing calmly beside me, not showing the least anxiety. She'd spent months helping me get back on my feet again, always gentle, always helpful, always patient.
She was wary about extending me any trust. She'd been holding herself at a careful distance. I could understand why. Caution was a critical survival trait in Winter, and as far as she was concerned, I was most likely a monster in the process of being born. A monster she'd been given given to, no less. to, no less.
Thinking about it, even if I had saved her life, it wouldn't have needed saving had she not been with me. I figured that between that and everything else she'd done for me, I was well in her debt.
But I couldn't help her if I didn't know more about her.
"For a couple of minutes," I said. "Please."
She nodded, and we went inside. I had a little living room outside of my bedroom. I read somewhere that in general, women tend to be more comfortable with someone sitting beside them, rather than across from them. Men tend to be the opposite. Facing each other has undertones of direct physical conflict-in which a generally larger, stronger person would have an advantage. I didn't know whether it was true or not, but she was already keyed up enough, and I didn't want to add anything to it. So I seated her at one end of the couch, and then seated myself at the opposite end, out of arm's reach.
"Okay," I said. "We haven't talked, I guess, because I've never told you anything about myself. Is that about the shape of it?"
"Trust has to go both ways," she said.
I huffed out a short laugh. "You've been hanging around Mab too much. She's not big on answering simple yes-or-no questions either."
Sarissa's mouth twitched at the corners. "Yes."
I laughed again. "Okay," I said. "Well, when in Rome. Maybe we should exchange questions and answers. You can go first."
She folded her hands, frowning, and then nodded. "I've heard a lot of stories about you. That you've killed a lot of people. Are they true?"
"I don't know what you've heard," I said. "But... yeah. When bad things came after people in my town, I made it my business to get in the way. And I've been a Warden of the White Council for a while now. I fought in the war against the Red Court. I've done a lot of fighting. Sometimes people get killed. Why are you in Mab's debt?"
"I... have a form of congenital dementia," she said. "I watched what it did to my older sister and..." She shuddered. "Doctors can't help me. Mab can. Have you ever killed anyone who wasn't trying to kill you?"
I looked down at my shoes. "Twice," I said quietly. "I cut Lloyd Slate's throat to become the Winter Knight. And-"
A flash of memory. A ruined city full of howling monsters and blood. Flashes of light and roaring detonations of magic tearing asunder stone and air alike. Dust everywhere. Friends fighting, bleeding, desperate. A stone altar covered in a thick coating of dried blood. A terrified little girl, my daughter. Treachery.
A kiss pressed against the forehead of a woman I was about to murder.
God, Susan, forgive me.
I couldn't see through the blur in my eyes, and my throat felt like the Redcap might be garroting me again, but I forced myself to speak. "And I killed a woman named Susan Rodriguez on a stone altar, because if I hadn't, a little girl and a lot of good people would have died. She knew it, too." I swiped a hand at my eyes and coughed to clear my throat. "What were the terms of your bargain with Mab?"
"That as long as I remained myself, and sane, I would attend her and do as she bade me for three months out of every year. Summer vacation, when I was in school. Weekends, now, except for lately. Taking care of you meant that I'd have months and months off to make up for it." She fidgeted with the bloodied handkerchief. Her split lip had stopped bleeding, and a line of dark, drying blood marred it. "The whole time we worked on your therapy, I think you said something about having a dog and a cat once. But you never spoke about any friends or family. Why not?"
I shrugged. "I'm not sure," I said. And then I realized that I was lying to everyone in the room. "Maybe... maybe because it hurts to think about them. Because I miss them. Because... because they're good people. The best. And I'm not sure I can look them in the eye anymore, after what I've done. What about you? Do you have any friends?"
"There are people I sometimes do things with," she said. "I don't... I'm not sure I'd call them friends. I don't want to make friends. I have the attention of some dangerous beings. If I got close to anyone, I could be putting them in danger. Don't you ever worry about that?"
"Every day," I said. "I've buried friends who died because they were involved with my work, and my life. But they wanted to be there. They knew the dangers and chose to face them. It isn't my place to choose for them. Do you think it's better to be alone?"
"I think it's better for them them," Sarissa said. "You're healthy now. Are you going to go home? To your friends and family?"
"Home isn't there anymore," I said, and suddenly felt very tired. "They burned my apartment down. My books, my lab. And my friends think I'm dead. How do I just walk back in? 'Hi, everyone. I'm back, and did you miss me? I'm working for one of the bad guys now, and what good movies came out while I was gone?'" I shook my head. "I'm making fresh enemies. Nasty ones. I'd be pulling them in all over again. I know what they'd say-that it didn't matter. But I don't know what I'm going to do yet. Mab seems to trust you. What is it that you do for her, exactly?"