"I'm not a newborn."
"But you are," she said. She nodded down at my grave. "You have entered a new world. Your old life is no more. You cannot be a part of it any longer. The wide universe stretches before you." She looked around the cemetery calmly. "I have seen many, many newborns, Mr. Dresden. And I can see what they are going to become. You, young shade, are quite simply a monster."
"Am not," I said.
"Not at the moment, perhaps," she said. "But ... as time goes by, as those you care about grow old and pass on, as you stand helpless while greater events unfold ... you will be. Patience."
"You're wrong."
Her dimples deepened. "Why are you so upset, young shade? I really don't see anything wrong with being a monster."
"I do," I said. "The monster part?"
"Oh," the girl said, shaking her head. "Don't be so simple. People adore monsters. They fill their songs and stories with them. They define themselves in relation to them. Do you know what a monster is, young shade? Power. Power and choice. Monsters make choices. Monsters shape the world. Monsters force us to become stronger, smarter, better. They sift the weak from the strong and provide a forge for the steeling of souls. Even as we curse monsters, we admire them. Seek to become them, in some ways." Her eyes became distant. "There are far, far worse things to be than a monster."
"Monsters hurt people. I don't."
Inez burst out in girlish giggles. She turned in a circle, parasol whirling, and in a singsong voice said, "Harry Dresden, hung upon a tree. Afraid to embrace his des-tin-y." She looked me up and down again, her eyes dancing, and nodded firmly. "Monster. They'll write books about you."
I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I didn't know what to say.
"This little world is so small," she continued. "So dull. So dreary." She gave me a warm smile. "You aren't shackled here, Mr. Dresden. Why remain?"
I shivered. A cold feeling swelled up in the pit of my stomach. It began to spread. I said nothing.
"Ahh," Inez murmured-a sound of satisfaction. Her eyes went to my gravestone and she tilted her head to one side. "Did you?" she asked brightly.
I shook my head. "Did I what?"
"Did you die doing the right thing?"
I thought about it for a moment. And for a moment more. Then I said, quietly, "I ... No. I didn't."
She tilted her head the other way. "Oh?"
"They had ... a little girl," I said quietly. It took me a moment to realize that I was speaking the words out loud and not just hearing them in my head. "They were going to hurt her. And I pulled out all the stops. To get her back. I ..."
I suddenly felt sick again. My mind flashed back to the image of Susan's death as her body fought to change into a monstrous form, locking her away forever as a prisoner of her own blood thirst. I felt her fever-hot skin beneath my lips where I had kissed her forehead. And I felt her blood spray as I cut her throat, triggering the spell that wiped out every murdering Red Court son of a bitch on the same planet with my little girl.
It had been the only way. I had no choice.
Didn't I?
Maybe not at that point. But it was the choices I'd made up until that moment that had shaped the event. I could have done things differently. It might have changed everything. It might have saved Susan's life.
I shuddered as another memory struck me. Complete, lifeless numbness in my legs. Aching pains of the body. The helpless fury I'd felt when I realized that a fall from a ladder had broken my spine-that I was paralyzed and helpless to do anything for my daughter. I remembered realizing that I was going to have to do something I would never have considered before that point.
"I crossed a line," I said quietly. "Lines, plural. I did things I shouldn't have done. It wasn't right. And I knew it. But ... I wanted to help the little girl. And I ..."
"Sinned?" she suggested, her large eyes eerily serene. "Chose the left-hand path? Fell from grace? Cast the world into madness?"
"Whatever," I said.
"And you think you aren't a monster." Calmly, she folded the parasol again and trailed its tip in the snow, humming a quiet little song.
That cold, sick feeling swelled and began to spread even more. I found myself shivering. Dear God, she was right. She was exactly right. I hadn't meant any of it to hurt anyone, but did that really matter? I had made a decision to do something I knew was wrong. I bargained my life away to Queen Mab, promised her my service and loyalty, though I knew that the darkness of the mantle of the Winter Knight would swallow me, that my talents and strengths could be subsumed into wicked service for the Queen of Air and Darkness.
My little girl's life had been on the line when I made that choice, when I had acquired power beyond the ken of most mortals.
I thought of the desperation in the eyes of Fitz and his gang. I thought of the petty malice of Baldy and those like him. Of the violence in the streets.
How many other men's daughters had died because of my choice?
That thought, that truth, hit me like a landslide, a flash of clarity and insight that erased every other thought, the frantic and blurry activity of my recent efforts.
Like it or not, I had embraced the darkness. The fact that I had died before I could have found myself used for destructive purposes meant nothing. I had picked up a red lightsaber. I had joined the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.
I had become what I always fought.
There was no denying it. No chance to correct my mistake. I suddenly wanted, desperately, to simply drop back into the grave and seek out the quiet and peace I had found there. Dammit, but I wanted to rest.
I folded my arms and stared at Inez. My voice came out ragged and harsh. "You aren't the ghost of a little girl."
Her little face lit up with another smile. "If I am no ghost, why do you look so haunted?"
And then she was gone. No sound, no flash, no nothing. Just gone.
If I were living, then the headache I felt coming on would be typical of this kind of situation. Cryptic supernatural entities go with the territory in my line of work.
But, man, I hate it when they get in the last word.
"An insufferable entity," murmured a slow, deep, redolent basso voice behind me. "Her soul is made of crooked lines."
I stiffened. I hadn't sensed any kind of presence the way I had with Inez, and I knew exactly what could happen when you let someone sneak up behind you. Even though rule number one for dealing with supernatural beings-never show fear-is simple, it sure as hell isn't easy. I know the kinds of things that are out there.
I turned, very calmly and slowly, reminding myself that I didn't have a heart to pound wildly, and that there wasn't really any sweat on my palms. I didn't need to shiver from fear any more than I needed to shiver from cold.
My self apparently found its own assurances unreliable. Stupid self.
There was a tall and menacing figure floating in the air behind me, maybe three feet off the ground. It was swathed entirely in a rich cloak of patina, its hood lifted, creating an area of completely black shadow within. You could see the dim suggestion of a face in the blackness. It looked like the old images of the Shadow, who clouded the minds of men. The cloak wavered and billowed slowly in a breeze with the approximate viscosity of a lava lamp.
"Um," I said. "Hi."
The figure drifted downward until its feet were resting atop the snow. "Is this preferable?"
"Aren't we literal?" I said. "Uh, yes. That's fine." I peered at it. "You're ... Eternal Silence. The statue on Dexter Graves's monument."
Eternal Silence just stood there in silence.
"I'll take that as a yes," I said. "I guess you aren't really just a local statue. Are you?"
"Your assumption is correct," Eternal Silence replied.
I nodded. "What do you want?"
It drifted slowly closer. The deep voice-and this guy made James Earl Jones sound like Mickey Mouse-rumbled out. "You must understand your path."
"My path."
"That before you. That behind."
I sighed. "That's less than helpful."
"It is more than necessary," Eternal Silence said. "It is essential to survival."
"Survival?" I asked, and I couldn't help myself. I chuckled. When you've faced off with enough Grim Reaper wannabes, it gets kinda routine. "I'm already dead."
It said nothing.
"Okay," I said, after a minute. "Survival. Of who?"
It didn't answer for a long moment, and I shook my head. I began to think that I could probably spend all night talking to every lunatic spirit in this freaking place and never make sense of any of them. And I didn't have all night to waste.
I had begun to focus my thoughts on another series of Nightcrawler hops, when that deep voice spoke-and this time, it wasn't something I heard. It just resonated in my head, in my thoughts, a burst of pure meaning that slammed into my head as if inscribed on the front of a cruise missile: EVERYONE.
I staggered and clutched at my skull with my hands. "Agh!" I stammered. "Hell's bells! Is it too much to ask you to turn down the volume?"
UNINTENTIONAL. MORTAL FRAILTY. INSUFFICIENT UNDERSTANDING OF VOCALIZATION. PRECONSIDERED VOCABULARY EXHAUSTED.
I actually discorporated at this full-on assault of thought. My freaking spirit body spread out into a giant, puffy cloud of vaguely Dresdencolored mist. And it hurt. I mean, that's the only word I can think of that really applies. It wasn't like any kind of pain I'd felt before, and I'm a connoisseur when it comes to pain. It wasn't pain of the body, the way I had known it. It was more like ... like the way your head feels when you hear or see an image or concept that flabbergasts you so hard that the only thing you can say about it is, "That is so so wrong." wrong."
That. Times a million. And not just in my head, but full body.
It took a full minute for that feeling to fade, and it was only then that I could see myself coming back together again.
"Don't explain!" I said, almost desperately, when I looked up to see Eternal Silence hovering a little closer to me. "Don't! That hurt!"
It waited.
"We have to keep this simple," I stuttered, thinking out loud. "Or you're going to kill me. Again." I pressed the heel of my hand against my forehead and said, "I'm going to ask yes or no questions," I said. "For yes, stay silent. For no, indicate otherwise. Agreed?"
Nothing. Eternal Silence might not have even been there, except that his cloak kept rolling and billowing, lava-lamp fashion.
"Is your cloak red?"
The hood of the cloak twitched left and right, once.
"Fantastic," I muttered. "Communication." I mopped at my face with my hands and said, "Okay. When you say everyone, are you talking, like, everyone I know?"
Twitch.
"More than that?"
Silence.
"Um. The whole city?"
Twitch.
"What-more?"
Silence.
"So ... you mean ... like ... everyone-everyone. Everyone. The whole planet."
Silence.
"And me understanding my freaking path saves them?"
Silence. Twitch.
"Great," I muttered. "Next you'll want me to take a pebble out of your hand."
Twitch.
"I wasn't being literal literal... . Okay, yeah, you and I aren't going to communicate well this way."
Silence. Somehow ... emphatic.
I stopped and pondered for a moment. Then I said, "Wait. This is connected, isn't it? With what Captain Murphy sent me to do."
Silence.
"Find my killer?" I asked him. "I don't get it. How does finding my killer save the world?"
The deep voice repeated earlier phrases. "You must understand your path. It is more than necessary. It is essential to survival."
"There's a little irony in Eternal Silence being stuck on a looping sound bite." I sighed.
A wraith's moan drifted into the air, and I tensed, looking around.
One of those ragged-scarecrow shapes was rising from the earth of a grave, like something being hauled up out of deep mud. It moaned in mindless hunger, its eyes vacant.
Then there was another moan. And another. And another.
Wraiths were coming up out of graves all around me.
I started breathing harder, though I didn't need to. "Yeah, okay, brilliant idea for a safe house, Harry. It's a freaking graveyard It's a freaking graveyard. Where else are ghosts going to be?"